If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here. If you missed all three, here’s the third, on emotion.

IV. Connecting to Practise

‘Practise’ is a term I realised in 2008, meant “life”. Each experience is a practise run for the next. This hour is a practise for the next; which I’ll learn from and use in future events.

For this goal, that’s kind of how I’m covering it: life.

And having though of it like that, I feared this post would be long and rambly. In fact, it’s short and simple, though a little jumpy due to nature of change and realisations.

I want to reconnect with the spiritual energy I found in 2004, which gave me hope. To get back to learning about energy from books (physics) and to practising it (Reiki, meditation).

 This includes getting outside at least once a fortnight to experience the energy of the land, of the trees.

Practise of Wellness

This is a recent finding.

I posted over at the Phoenix Mind about my steps back to mental wellness. This involved having systems for when life was tough, and if that’s not practise, I don’t know what is.

As of last week, I’m back to exercising. I have a six-minute routine I’m doing twice a day to get my abilities back to a decent level, covering core, arms, legs and balance.

I have a couple of comedians DVDs on my laptop for times I just need to laugh, and I found that novel-writing really is my best escape.

I’d like to find more items to sit in this first-aid-box of life’s negative turns; so that I can always bring myself back, once I’m ready.

What have I missed?

So that leaves me with a few goals from my original 13. The learning and getting outside come under other aspects. The two finalists come under all the aspects, so let’s have them now.

-          Read 26 books this year (Legacy, Practise)

This comes under all four; and in my first post outlining the themes, I shared the books I’d be reading throughout the year. I have to say that, as of January 28^th I’ve read 4.5 books, which is well on track for 26 in 12 months.

-          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study (Practise, Legacy, Space, Spirit)

Related to spiritual space, I’d like to practise paganism more; to study, attend or partake in ritual, prayer, meditation.

So that’s my 2012 planned, and January almost done with. I’ll be back in February to share my January accomplishments and February’s plans.

In Light,
Rose

If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here.

This particular post has a lot of personal information, so please be respectful when commenting.  

III. Connecting to Compassion

In 2000, I began to experience Depression.

I had “nervous break downs” as someone termed them, though I now know they were “panic attacks”.  I disliked my school, where I had come from a normal school (being top of the class) to a private school where I was suddenly lower-middle in each class (and bottom in some!).

I felt unsure of this move, felt useless as a student (if you’re a regular reader, you know I’m obsessed with this scholar idea) and felt unsafe wherever I went. I was a loner; having no actual friends until I was 14, and was bullied by three particular people through those five years.

To add to this, I didn’t live in a safe space either.

The Emotional Relationship

My relationship with negativity began here, with depression and trauma; with PTSD-like symptoms and with crippling nightmares. I learnt to get by without sleep, to cry silently and I spent each break and lunch time in the basement of the old school, writing poetry.

I began to exhibit symptoms of OCD, panic attacks became more regular and teachers began stopping me in the corridors to ask if everything was alright at home.

Even now, I couldn’t tell why the hell I said Yes. I’d not been threatened to not tell anyone, as if no one had suspected I’d tell anyway.

Essentially, though the various experiences from 2000 to 2008, I’ve had a few traumas which have in turn caused PTSD, ED, OCD, anxiety and depression. I ended up in hospital, with a plan to run away once I was out.

I couldn’t see a way out. 

Systems

As I’ve now attended the same 6-week Anger Management course and will be doing so for another course in February; I’ve discovered systems for dealing with Anger. So much so, that I’d say anger is no longer my biggest emotional issue. However, that means that my Guilt, my Terror/Fear and my Worry are now really paramount in my mind.

So, if I have systems for one, why not for others? I’ve got the books ready and I’m planning to develop my own system for dealing with these issues as best I can.

Again, I’m not fully sure how this will work, but I’m documenting my journey to compassion through over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share.

This is my search for a system of self-compassion; of healing and of calm. 

Role of Peacemaker

This is an investigation specifically into Compassion and nonviolence. I like the idea of nonviolence, yet grew up with an aggressive family, and a submissive family; and unfortunately, anger DID work VERY effectively at reaching the goals of the aggressor.

Again, as I find out more about the peacemaker label of the Druids, I’m feeling that pull of heritage and the knowledge that I want my children to understand the power in nonviolence – I have to understand my feelings on the subjects. I’ve begun to have experiences with compassion as a force, and that has inspired a more structured search through the library of this emotional state.

I want to make my own mind up on my values, and to really explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others.

Once more, I’ve books on the subjects, the OBOD Gwersi, and I meditate – this is my journey and I’ll be speaking about it here; with essays of theory, examples of life and possibly theories of structure.

Speaking and Silence

Then, there’s this relationship sharing with my own views, and my feelings. This act of complaining, the “whose had a worse life/essay/volunteering mess-up” challenge and my fear of silence (which leads to me babbling on about myself for no reason).

 I want to explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from.

Next time I’ll cover the final aspect of Practise and the aspects of my potential I’m hoping to reach for this year.

In light,
Rose

If you missed my first post, head here to view my plans around Connecting with Space.

II. Connecting to Legacy

Legacy is a word I don’t hear much among the students I see around university. Nor is it a word I hear from parents or friends of the family. However, I once saw a talk by Gary Vaynerchuck where he said:

“Legacy is greater than currency. Has everybody completely grasped that your great, great, great grandchildren are going to watch and see everything you’ve ever done? I think about that every single day. I want my grandkids to be proud of me.”

Legacy is important.

The Legacy I’ve Watched

In July 2011, I was told that my Grandfather had suspected Dementia.

I won’t go into the massive details but he is the only male in my entire family I think has played his cards right, is a fully worthy human being and has done the best he can. He has the kindest heart and the gentlest manner, despite fighting for his beliefs; his mind has always been sharp and he loves to walk up mountains despite being quite old.

Legacy is finding out that I am like him, that I have some of that amazing greatness in my potential. I know of his life choices, his mistakes and especially the things he regrets but I think were the right choice.

As a Bardic student, I’m now learning the legacy of the Druids; the poems that taught of magic and emotions, and as a reader, the parables which told of the morals (Western) humans usually abide by. This has given me a glimpse of how much knowing the legacy and heritage of a belief, a label or an action can enrich an experience.

Legacy is important, and none more important to me than my own.

I want to know and understand my legacy – my family tree and the heritage of the family I’ve made for myself.

Connecting with Values

I’m looking at the genealogy within my bloodline; of the Irish great-grandparents, of the quintessentially English grandparents, of the French surname and of the Estuary English dialect I speak mixed with my mother’s odd northern pronunciation.

This is a delve into the past; of who I was made to be, how I got here and what possibilities lay within my veins.

I’m trying to bring that sense of welcome into my own personality; for nothing is more important than honour and hospitality in my grandfather’s eyes.

Unfortunately, I grew up miles from him and only one mile from other family members, who value educational terms, grades, money and… well. They said “That’s allowed then” when I told them my other half was studying Medicine.

This year I’m exploring the labels I’d always thought I couldn’t change, and deliberately adopting new ones through re-definition.

Emotional Legacy

This includes the labels around being a student, a wife, a mother; all the things I hope to be. I want to really understand where my values are in how to treat differences (my family are generally quite judgemental), how to deal with emotions like anger and my views on non-violence.

This links to my third focus a little but essentially, emotional legacy covers my past labels around emotion like anger solves everything & weak people cry, and covers what kind of legacy I want to pass on to my friends, to my kids, to my friend’s kids.

I’m not yet sure how to go around this, except I’ve begun a journey along my thoughts of compassion over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share. This will also cover the third aspect of my theme for the year; emotion a little too.

Spiritual Legacy

Finally, I want to continue the journey I began at 11 when I lost my faith in Christianity.

I want to really understand my choice not to continue with that path, to be able to explain why I’ve chosen Druidry, and to get my head around what I want to pass on to my children.

I want to understand the heritage of the land; this sacred isle surrounded by water and covered with history and mythology. And in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it.

Legacy is all about my past lessons and what I want to pass on.

Next time I’ll cover the aspect of Compassion and the emotional aspects touched on here in more detail.

In light,
Rose

For this first month though, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

I. Connecting to Space

Practical goals such as budgeting, exercise, healthy food, exploring minimalism, keeping space for spirituality and sleep are interesting in terms of a student who straddles two bedrooms but no external house-space.

The Goal of Space

Connecting to Space is a major goal of mine this year, and covers my bedroom/living space, getting outside to explore the land and my bodily space; what I feed it, how I treat it and how I sleep.
My bedroom in my parents house is my only “me-space” – the only space which has my belongings in it. I think the cabinet in the living room has a statue I made when I was 3 and a porcelain doll which I wasn’t trusted to keep safe as a young child; but all my living items are upstairs; in this medium-sized room.
At university, it’s a similar story – one room holds a study, exercise space, ritual space and a bedroom, all encompassed within a room smaller than my home bedroom.

No wonder I can’t get rid of half the stuff… a lot of it would live in a living room if I had one.

So this year, I want to streamline, to minimalise, to find the right amount of stuff that will keep me happy but make my rooms pleasant and easy to find things in.

Again, being a student, I have a load of crap I won’t need once I’ve graduated (unless I get into the PhD in which case it’ll all be bundled up once more and taken to a new tiny study/bedroom –sigh–), but can’t yet part with as I’m still using it.

However, I’m looking at getting rid of the junk freebies from first year and clearing the floor space around my desk so that the carpet is clear and usable again (I like to dance and do exercise; both of which have caused injury as I’ve trod on a plug or broken something underfoot).

Sacred Space

This process should then leave me a space to sit and meditate, a space to place candles and incense, and a space to just keep clear to make the room feel spacious. I can put down soft cushions or just put images on that part of wall and sit/lie beside it.

I’d like to set up a proper altar I can use for my pagan practise. And then use it regularly.

Outer Space

I’m a Pagan who dreamt of being a wildlife camerawoman, who painted landscapes each time the school holidays arrived and who wants to work with birds of prey…

And I know nothing about this land; the plants which grow here, the animals which live here and the history of the areas.

I want to connect with the trees, to climb the hills and photograph the flowers. Once a fortnight will be my beginning goal; spend 30 minutes each two weeks outside, dedicating space to the outdoors.

Bodily Space

Then we have my body; where food and exercise come in. I want to keep my brain going with knowledge and my mind healthy in terms of well-being; and then eat fresh foods and get the right amount of sleep and exercise. That alone can be a massive job, let alone as part of four separate foci this year.

I want to cut down on the processed foods; on chocolate and crisps, instead turning to healthier alternatives and getting my body used to gaps between meals. I want to get a good exercise routine going, and to keep my sleep and brain as healthy and effective as possible.

If you’ve been following my blog for long, you’ll know I’m both a fussy eater, and terrified of weight loss. I want to have energy and be healthy, but I mustn’t lose ANY weight as I’m still technically “underweight” according to the BMI measures and despite eating well over 2500 calories a day in chocolate, potatoes, marzipan, nuts and actual meals.

However, I am going to try and shift my unhealthy eating habits; but do so with a vigilant eye on the scales (once a fortnight).  I’ll be making pasta salad and ham or marmite sandwhiches for lunches, re-heating rice (zomg, no!) and taking my own flasks of green tea into University.

So I’m starting with some little rules to guide my new year in terms of food:

-          Protein every day, three forms a week (three types of meat or one meat, quorn & vegetable protein).

-          Potatoes!!! At least once a week on average!

-          Pasta more than pizza

-          No more than £20 a week on general upkeep (two big shops a term will go over this)

-          Use up that crap in the cupboards!!!

-          Make own puddings for “sweet treats”

-          butter + basil on sweetcorn, toast or potatoes as a “savoury snack”

-          dried banana, canned peach slices, tinned pineapple and sultanas in everything (cereal, snacks, puddings, lunch?)

This of course stretches to other bodily actions though, such as for exercise:

-          daily physio

-          daily stretches

-          daily arm exercises

-          twice weekly shivanata

-          weekly dance

-          fortnightly walks in nature

Then in terms of sleep; get to bed by 10:30pm and TV off by 11:45pm. I have a 9am start on Thursdays this term; while my earliest was 11am last year; so those times may alter slightly as I’ll be waking at 7am.

Finally, I have a few brain exercises to keep myself in the scholar mindset, to ensure a continued flow of neuronal messengers (the more you use, to more produced) and of course, so I can learn as much as possible this year:

-          mentally add up products around supermarket

-          read a book a fortnight

-          Shivanata every 2-3 days

-          colour code lecture notes

-          watch 3 educational/informational programs a week

-          study OBOD gwersi weekly (even if only one page a week)

So those are my goals in terms of space. Next time I’ll cover the aspect of Legacy and what heritage means to me this year.

In light,
Rose|

We’ve finished the Foundations and Relationships prompts and are now meeting Inspirations.

Awen

Awen. A term I’d never heard before the 3^rd of May 2009.

A term I first heard at the Long Man, with a Scottish Druid standing beside me, singing the Welsh word with around a hundred others.

Yet, it’s not simply a word used in ritual. Awen means “divine flow, inspiration” and is used to contact high power in ritual and in creative pursuits. As an artist works, she is connecting to Awen, as a poet speaks, he is invoking Awen.

Writing

I found poetry in 2005, and reached a point of writing more than 4 poems a day. I’ve over 500 poems written, four of which are in anthologies. I’ve now moved to stories; to novels – and of course, my two blogs. Although the content has shifted, the feeling I get when I’m writing hasn’t changed much; and that too, is Awen.

Creativity is an interesting one – I can think of jokes and creative messages, I draw and I used to paint – yet I’d say my most creative moments now are not writing novels, singing or painting, but in how I manage my time, how I move through the world.

Living Spirit

Creativity is not just a pen on paper, it’s how you move, do you dance or do you walk?  Are you a creative being? If someone blocked your path, would you not think of all the other routes to get round it? If someone threatened to harm you, would your mind not give you the words to calm the storm or disarm them?

Awen and Creativity are not two words that are only for bards; they’re for dancers, singers, writers, artists, post-women and businessmen… Humans are creative and we can all connect to Awen.

In light,
Rose

This post has been really hard to write. I’m not even sure why. However, I need to finish it in order to continue with the other prompts so.. here goes.

The balance between spirituality, work and education is one close to me.

The original reason for my consideration of further education was to stay close to my Druid Grove. It’s difficult to get from my parent’s house to the grove space in time for the ritual, and to get back, even if I left the ritual early, would not get me home before 11pm, walking 45 minutes home from the train station in the dark. And that’s with the shortcut along the passage by the railway lines; and I wouldn’t trust it.

Choosing to do an MSc was something of a rite for me because I didn’t ask my parent’s permission. And this year, I forgot to keep them updated on applying for my PhD.  I’ve begun to follow my instincts and my dreams, not the wishes of those who barely know me.

For me, these are rites of passage in a way. I began to take action based on what I truly want and need, without checking for permission or asking opinions; without second guessing myself.

In June I bought my year of Gwersi of the Bardic Grade; the first of which talks you through a self-initiation ceremony. I remember my original ritual; back when I dedicated myself to the Gods on the 4^th of June 2004; with a ceremony I thought up myself.

The lesson arrived in.. end of June, and then in November, I felt ready to actually perform it. Eight lessons in, I was ready to initiate myself as a Druid, within my inner grove.

Having a set procedure that allowed for my own personality in terms of alterations but also had the same structure that hundreds of people have followed; it was a really interesting space.

And that ritual has led me to this focus on compassion. I was already helping out with this Anger Management group for Right Here, but now each lesson I re-learned through helping out was related to peacemaking and the odd times I’ve covered sections of the teaching I felt this ripple of energy surge through me as I invoke that aspect of my personality; the Druid aspect, the peacemaker.

I’m still very new to this journey, and hope to have many more years of exploration of this topic; but that was a real rite for me, a real alteration in and of myself.

In Light,
Rose

In short, I want to connect in terms of physical space (room, body, land), legacy (habits, labels, potential), compassion (emotions, actions, biases) and practise (paganism/spirit, knowledge, energy).

As it turns out, there are thirteen; just as there are thirteen moons a year. I can handle that. I tried to put them into four groups, with three in each, but there were so many overlaps, I gave up. Here are my thirteen; together with the categories they come under.

-          Release unnecessary items: until I feel clean and fresh – feel free to move, to grow (Space, Legacy)

-          Read 26 books this year (Legacy, Practise)

-          Create a sacred space; to meditate, to place items, to practise ritual (Space, Legacy, Practise)

-          Try to connect with my families values/heritage (Legacy, Compassion)

-          Labels I want to have/gift myself with (Legacy, Practise, Compassion)

-          Learning and trying new things to prepare myself for my future (Legacy, Practise)

-          Supportive Systems for Anger, Worry, Guilt and free myself from this constant Fear (Compassion, Practise)

-          Explore my feelings of hatred, nonviolence and the role of the peacemaker (Compassion, Practise, Legacy)

-          Investigate my habit of complaining, speaking out of turn and my fear of silence (Legacy, Compassion)

-          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study (Practise, Legacy, Space, Spirit)

-          Re-connect with that love of energy; reading about it and sensing it, e.g. Reiki (Compassion, Practise, Legacy, Space)

-          Discover my true feelings about the food and drink I’ve been consuming this year – the high level of processed meals, of alcohol and of snacks. (Space, Practise)

-          Get outside at least once a fortnight – connect to the land and meditate there, within my grove (Space, Spirit, Land, Practise)

I haven’t yet set myself time-frames, assigned months or moons to them; nor decided on how to go about all of them yet, but that will come in time.

Have a fantastic new year, good luck with your plans and I’ll see you on the other side.

In Light,
Rose

Last post I spoke about Strength, my word for 2011 and how I’ve found the journey through it. Let’s get onto the coming year. 

What do I plan for 2012?

Sonja posted last week about her plans for 2012: with four main focuses and some discussion about what has brought her to decide on those. I began the three subgroups of food, exercise and spiritual energy for my 2011 word of the year, strength, and that really worked for me, so I’m following this inspiration again this year.

I read Sonja’s words on minimalism, on how she keeps forgetting and losing things; feeling rushed. As I read her post, I felt that little ember in me alight. I still want that freedom.

“While I was at camp I had only taken one suitcase full of stuff, a pillow, blanket, and 2 knitting projects. I was at peace with ‘stuff’. I could pack up and go on days off within 10 minutes.”

I also remember one where she photographed and listed all 75 items she owned and lived on happily at camp.

I still want that.

And really, there’s nothing stopping me.

Minimalism: Connecting to Space

I’m at university in Brighton; the same room I’ve lived in for three years; thus it has a lot more than one years accumulation. I take home clothes, make-up, notes, books and electrical items; then I go home and have more than the same amount again in my room, ignoring the crap in the loft.

I hate waste and am proud of being sustainable; yet I can’t keep all of this stuff. I’ll be moving out within the next 18 months (hopefully) and will need to be able to take everything – from my uni room (back home), my home-bedroom and some of the attic stuff to any new place. (Mum wants to make my room into a library, and I can’t really blame her.)

I did a major clothes purge around 2 years ago, back when I was writing at Pagan Wings. I got rid of over 150 items of clothing. Yet I still/now have probably 300 items of clothes and I except only 150 of them fit me properly/ actually get worn. The idea of trying to juggle selling them on ebay- having to lug them to campus then to the post office and weight them and buy packing tape and boxes/bags?  It’s a lot to handle when you don’t have a simple 9-5 job that ends each evening.

I intend to read a few specific books in the hopes of lowering my book numbers… currently holding over 186 books in my bedroom at home not including library and borrowed books… and then a further 46 on my uni shelf and a few more dotted around my uni room. I’m currently part way through.. well. Probably 50 of the,. Dianne Sylvan went through all her part-read books and listed them, which I intend to do also as part of this aspect of the new year.

But, I want to escape this self-made limitation and work toward minimalism… which leads nicely onto Being in Nature…

Spirit, Scholar and Legacy: Connecting to Past, Present and Potential

As I visited Maiden castle, Old Sarum andStonehenge I began to see the history of this ancient land. As I listen to Damh the Bard speaking in our rituals; as I take part in more ritual myself and continue through my bardic grade; I remember those years of my teens where I shunned everything on the principal that I didn’t know who I was, thus couldn’t be anyone; couldn’t be X’s friend or Y’s enemy..

The difference in my acceptance now; is that I create myself every day and that’s okay.

This is an investigation into this part of me who thinks that if I don’t swear, don’t make inappropriate jokes and doesn’t have this null/void/on edge aspect; I will cease to “be me”; to exist, to be loved and to have the friends I have now…
I intend to read a few key texts for this including: Spirits of the Sacred Grove, The Celestine Vision, Women Who Run With The Wolves, Pagan in the City, Wights and Ancestors, and The Bond Between Women.

These cover Compassion, Integration, Strength, Women, Paganism, Ancestors and Loyalty.

An exploration of who I am, where these labels came from; which definitions I want to keep and which I still need to adopt… The most important right now being…

Compassion: Connecting to the Inherent Kindness, Inner Peace

Again, inspired by the last six months where I ‘saw red’ for the first time in my life, began anger management, self-initiated on the druid path (the peacemakers…) and began to understand this feeling of nonviolence towards every human, who is suffering in their own way.

Much connected to the aspect of “no me without my anger” I’m exploring; I’ve begun to see this world which doesn’t require you to be an idiot – I see people running businesses based on love, who are learning to respect their capacity and to own their own experience; who are successful in this world I was always taught was cruel, dangerous and angry.

My family = angry/passive aggressive and doormat – my own experiences until I left home were danger/fear/dominated.  I’m now 21, choose meditation and dance over karate and am no longer terrified that every man with blue eyes is him.

I intend to read a few key texts including: Nonviolent Communication, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence, A Complaint Free World, Start Where You Are and How to Practise.

These cover Buddhism, Complaining, Violence, Patience,  Words and The Dalai Lama’s words.

Practise and Knowledge: Connecting to the Land and my Inner Core

This is for reaching the potential attributes I’ve wanted since I was a young child; the inspiration I found in Power Rangers, in Lara Croft and in the fascination with native American Medicine Women.

This connects knowledge with practise; all that scholarary seeking, the sensing of trees and the energy of my own aura; in connecting with me as Forestwife, Susan from the Hogfather, Lara Croft, Myrina in The Moon Riders, and Lyra in the Dark Materials Trilogy.

This will include watching a lot of knowledge-based shows like Horizon and QI and some exercise-based stuff like flexibility and arm strength focuses.

This strong, skilled, scholar of a woman who is knowledgeable; who has worth without needing to prove it.

A woman who can ‘practise herself’ – who casts magic and offers healing; who is kind, stable and understands the land and its plants and creatures. I can see my potential as advisor, healer and practitioner; but though I find myself less afraid and upset of being lost; I am lost nonetheless.

Connection with practise, with the land, with people and with other animals and plants is my final step.

In terms of being knowledgeable and integrating my knowledge in practise, I intend to read a few key texts including:

Rewire Your Brain, The Quantum and the Lotus, The Tenth Insight, In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat, Irish Spirit, The Field, Oscar’s Books, The Quiet, and City Dharma.

These cover Irish poetry, Quantum Physics, Buddhism, Neuroscience, Meditation and Literary Scholars

The Motivation

One thing I’m learning about being a scholar is that it never ends. I come home and research, read or watch a programme where I’m learning.  I love that aspect, but it does mean I can’t foresee being able to do other things ‘after hours’ as there’s almost no such thing.

I want to sing, to dance, to read, write, express. I want to write poems and songs, to dance and exercise; to be flexible and to be caring. I want to be kind. Inherently.

I want to CONNECT – to the people around me, to the land I live with, to the spirit I believe in. To Compassion.

These cover the three aspects mentioned in Druidry: land, sea and sky (in my anger, I have enough fire in my life, though it isn’t being left out completely; passion and energy are much a part of this journey:

Earth and land (nature/practise), water (emotion/compassion), and air (knowledge/scholar).

The Word For 2012

Thus, despite not planning to necessarily choose a word for the year, I have once more an overall theme with subsections:

This year I want to connect. With my space (minimalism and spirit), with myself (legacy and land), with compassion (people and peace) and with practise (knowledge and worth).

Really, they’re all about me: my space and values, my heritage and spirituality, my emotions and labels and my potential.

And an important distinction in this is that connecting requires disconnecting. I can get back on my minimalist journey in order to connect more; losing items and objects. Despite counting online friends in my connecting – blogging, tweeting, facebook messages and online messenger conversations; sometimes the laptop will switch off and I will go for walks in nature.

And in spite of that, I’ll also sometimes turn to reading my Gwersi in my bedroom, alone; meditating and practising ritual.

On Saturday morning my partner’s mother commented on how “meek” I was five years ago when she first met me, and on how much of the world I’ve seen; how I’ve embraced it; how I’ve come out of my shell.

I intend to continue that in the coming year.

Merry Christmas, Blessed Yuletide and have a Wonderful New Year.

In light,

Rose.

What Did I Plan For 2011?

I aimed for Strength, of mind, body and spirit (and later money).

I had a lot of issues picking the word for my previous year, and the ease of Strength turned out to be the best for me, despite my perception of it’s “lack of eloquence”.

Each month I spoke about three areas; my energy levels in terms of meditation/yoga, food/sleep and exercise.

What Did I Manage?

Much like Dianne did, I’m just going to list my new/interesting moments of 2011, partly out of laziness and partly because you’ve probably read about most of them in the monthly catch-up posts.

• I began a new blog.
• I wrote another novel and began a second.
• I met Chucky twice during his 6 month stay in Europe.
• I saw my sister witch Erin for three days (met her in October 2010)
• I left the volunteering job I felt uncomfortable in and began a new position.
• I spoke at two conferences on behalf of a project the Mental Health Foundation and the Paul Hamlyn Foundation run.
• I got a new camera and a new phone.
• I made apple crumble.
• I attended my first festival: Buddhafield festival, and worked in the café.
• I began teaching Shivanata, and then began teaching it via Skype too.
• I began the OBOD bardic grade home-study course and initiated myself as a bardic druid (or whatever the PC term is), seven and a half years after my self-dedication to my pagan journey in 2004.
• Began doing campus tours
• Attended courses on Child Protection, ASIST, Safeguarding Vulnerable Adults
• Got my second job (first paid summer job) cleaning
• Attended my first group Lughnasadh and Yule rituals (and began to take part in the blessing of the circle and speaking parts)
• Graduated from my BSc in Psychology with merit
• Began my MSc in Cognitive Neuroscience
• Attended a six-week course in Anger Management
• Visited a couple of Celtic and Pagan monuments; Maiden’s Castle, Old Sarum,Stonehenge
• Wrote two small e-books (on Mental Health and Synapses)
• Applied for a Doctorate course
• Had two job interviews
• Attended training for one of them
• Began helping out at the six-week anger management courses
• Attended Witchfest International

The Breakdown of 2011

“I wait for this change and dream of being a skilled, strong woman. Yet make little move to increase strength or skill.

To know the herbs and trees, to track the wild and to have basic strength. To have knowledge to help, heal, teach or advise is likely my motivation. 

I strengthen my arms and legs, meditate and dance to train mind-body connection and read to strengthen my mind alone. Yet I fair not well in exams nor written work. I enjoy it, yet without true work.

I understand the power of the mind and of language, yet cease to put in the work to change habits. Nothing comes easy, yet my life’s been one of idleness.”

I wrote that over a year ago – when trying to fathom my need for this attribute.

As my word of the year, Strength, got forgotten, I found myself focusing on the main attributes I wanted to see in myself – mainly illuminated from gaming and the books I’ve read this year.

I want to be the Forestwife and the Moon Dancer; the woman who knows the plants and the properties, the sneak and the skills of battle and of worship (Theresa Tomlinson); who can heal the sick and ail the people’s pain. I want to be strong enough to stand up for myself, to no longer be afraid of the dark (The Hogfather). I want the confidence in my own strength an abilities to practise my skills (Oblivion/Skyrim). I want to be the advisor, the medicine woman, the communities’ first port of call.

This year, I wanted to find strength. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I searched through yoga, shivanata and meditation to find spiritual strength. I began the OBOD course, sought connection and routine. I found prayer and ritual.

I focused on mental awareness and energy; on food and sleep. And I found that I enjoy exercise, I enjoy feeling that if I end up reliving either of the two situations which I wasn’t strong enough to fight, now I could. I probably wouldn’t win a fight with a strong, tall, intent person. However, I would lash out, I would breathe. I would try talking. I wouldn’t freeze up in tears. I could change my decisions, and maintain a small amount of control.

(and that’s all you need, sometimes).

I can put myself into that state of meditation when faced with anxiety and can strengthen my mental shields when I feel that I need that feeling of security; whether there’s any truth to the energy-manipulation or not.

So that was this year. Strength-seeking, mind-manipulating and energy-exciting. As for next year?

I’ve just about decided upon next year’s word and aims; will post about them after Christmas.

Have a wonderful holiday all,

In light,

Rose

Well, it’s December and someone forgot to tell me…

I’m home from university, though this holiday is broken up a bit, and I’ve completely failed to keep you updated.

Last Month – November

So what did I do for November:

* applied for a Doctorate course at 4 institutions
* attended another interview

* got accepted to 3 placements

* turned 1 down

* began training for 1 (start in January EEEEE!!!)

* attended a steering group meeting, two focus groups and began helping out at another Anger Management course
* got my old job back/ renewed

* attended Masters course classes

* had dinner with friends twice

* submitted 3 pieces of work for University
* extended the mini-ebook

* created a worksheet
* began new Skype Shivanata sessions
* ran the meditation society
* attended Witchfest International
* got so wrapped up with my other website; The Phoenix Mind

December – Current Activities and My Final Plans

This is the final month of 2011, so I’ll be putting up a post about my word of the year; Strength in a separate post. This month really is all about tying up loose ends and making sure I’m prepared for January and the new year.

My final training with Mind is this Saturday, I’ve begun my essays and I’ve nearly finished reading my book (I’ve read half as many books as I usually do!! Just 11 instead of 25 (or the 26 I read in 6 months of 2010!).

I’m focusing on The Phoenix Mind throughout this year of my degree, but I will be updating hopefully at least twice a month here, because I really want to keep my spirituality and reading as strong focuses in 2012.

Tomorrow I’m heading back to Brighton to see a friend fromAustralia. She’s staying until Tuesday, so I’m going to my training on Saturday morning, then to the Right Here Ice Skating Social on Monday. I arrive home Tuesday evening in order to prepare for the Yule Party we’re holding for my other half and his family. Otherwise, Christmas should be quiet this year.

This month, exercise is the main goal.

iv/iii/ii/i

iv. Finance: frugal-fifteen
Still on hold; although I made £15 again this month and have a garenteed day of work (£50) in January, to help with the outgoing £1,551.50 of tuition fees and £321 rent… >_>

iii. Exercise; physical strength
I managed to keep up my physiotherapy for two months, but have dropped it for the last two weeks. Back on that and re-introduced myself to the wii fit yesterday – with some lunges, push ups and triceps extensions.

ii. Diet: energy/vitality
I’m working my way to waking at 8am again – been waking at 10-11am, but this morning got up at 8:25 and will be getting up at 8:15 tomorrow to catch the train toBrighton. My protein is high, and I’m taking my iron tablet regularly again.

i. Meditation; spirit/strength of mind
Right now, I’m actually happy to led meditation fall to the side. I have so many goals right now and I’ve begun to feel the emotions within my body as a general practise, and don’t feel that I need it as much at this point.

Strengthening aspect for Month XII
For November I focused on quietude. This month requires more integration; into society as a friendly person and into myself with the knowledge and the skills I’ve been learning in my training.

What are your plans for the month?

In light,

Rose