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Firstly, I had a mini-epiphany, inspired by my note-taking and meditation on The Happiness Project:

There’s very little that can’t be remedied by opening a window to hear birdsong, take a deep breathe, and sip/splash your face with water. ~ Rose.

I’ve had a couple of these epiphanies this weekend, which are fabulous to be experiencing. I blame ShivaNata and taking time to really think, feel and trust the flow of every day. For now, I want to share some thoughts and feelings that were inspired by a wonderful post at The Fluent Self.

Last week, Havi wrote a post about Insights. And I wanted to share three here, and why they particularly spoke to me.

Insight #9: People are kind.

Or: there are kind people.

Like the friend I made who decided to help me before any of the yoga studios in Berlin would work with me.

This term, I found myself in a house of students who smoked drugs in the house. The smell, the smoke, the loud movies in early-morning hours all worried me. I wasn’t sleeping, the air in the house wasn’t safe, and I had to write almost 20,000 words in 5 weeks.

And I actually trusted a friend with this information. She let me yell about these people, she offered to come over and support me if we held a house meeting and she let me sleep in her room one Thursday night when I couldn’t cope with it anymore.

Insight #10: Support takes many forms.

Even when your perception of the world based on your experience is that there is no support, there is still support.

The housemates said I was being unfair: that it wasn’t every single night; that my bedroom door was shut so it shouldn’t bug me (because I don’t need to go to the kitchen for tea/food or the bathroom?).

I felt alone. And because of how powerless I felt; knowing that University is socially accepted as a time for booze and drugs. And I did something really amazing for me. I asked for help.

I mentioned it to people who knew the students in question and they offered to sit in a meeting, to text the students about how that was enough for one night. Even in my doubt about how I acted, I found support. I’ve never been so supported by actions. It really is true when deeds are said to be more powerful than words. I found support.

Insight #11: The job of my anger is to keep me from being sad.

Wait. All this anger is covering up a ton of sadness and loss. And fear of experiencing it again. But mostly sadness.

Most of this action was spurred by anger. I spoke to the three people who supported me: I called the students names, I came into lectures with “this time they did THIS as WELL” and I basically let my anger say it all. Even when I spoke to one of the students, it was anger that let me say it.

I started with “I know you enjoyed it and you’ve finished your work – you want to celebrate” and ended up close to tears of anger as I basically yelled at him.

But that anger was a cover for the fear and worry and pain I felt. I felt betrayed as they’d said they wouldn’t do this. I felt scared because I know the effects of second-hand smoke, I know I’m at risk. I was worried about my grades from the sleep-deprivation.

If I’d broken down, I’d possibly have been put down as an emotional female. PMS or something. My anger kept me from the pain until I took action.

I needed those reminders. There’s a reason you do what you do. All those monsters are trying to protect you. Kitten is just trying to protect me.

I know all this, but sometimes I forget.

This is my reminder to be kind to myself. After all, I’m currently trying to work out what to do with my life and to bridge life as a teen/student to a twenty-year-old woman with honour, patience, understanding and love. Can you help me? I’ve a compass but no map.

Take Care,

Rose

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