Firstly, I had a mini-epiphany, inspired by my note-taking and meditation on The Happiness Project:
There’s very little that can’t be remedied by opening a window to hear birdsong, take a deep breathe, and sip/splash your face with water. ~ Rose.
I’ve had a couple of these epiphanies this weekend, which are fabulous to be experiencing. I blame ShivaNata and taking time to really think, feel and trust the flow of every day. For now, I want to share some thoughts and feelings that were inspired by a wonderful post at The Fluent Self.
Last week, Havi wrote a post about Insights. And I wanted to share three here, and why they particularly spoke to me.
Insight #9: People are kind.
Or: there are kind people.
Like the friend I made who decided to help me before any of the yoga studios in Berlin would work with me.
This term, I found myself in a house of students who smoked drugs in the house. The smell, the smoke, the loud movies in early-morning hours all worried me. I wasn’t sleeping, the air in the house wasn’t safe, and I had to write almost 20,000 words in 5 weeks.
And I actually trusted a friend with this information. She let me yell about these people, she offered to come over and support me if we held a house meeting and she let me sleep in her room one Thursday night when I couldn’t cope with it anymore.
Insight #10: Support takes many forms.
Even when your perception of the world based on your experience is that there is no support, there is still support.
The housemates said I was being unfair: that it wasn’t every single night; that my bedroom door was shut so it shouldn’t bug me (because I don’t need to go to the kitchen for tea/food or the bathroom?).
I felt alone. And because of how powerless I felt; knowing that University is socially accepted as a time for booze and drugs. And I did something really amazing for me. I asked for help.
I mentioned it to people who knew the students in question and they offered to sit in a meeting, to text the students about how that was enough for one night. Even in my doubt about how I acted, I found support. I’ve never been so supported by actions. It really is true when deeds are said to be more powerful than words. I found support.
Insight #11: The job of my anger is to keep me from being sad.
Wait. All this anger is covering up a ton of sadness and loss. And fear of experiencing it again. But mostly sadness.
Most of this action was spurred by anger. I spoke to the three people who supported me: I called the students names, I came into lectures with “this time they did THIS as WELL” and I basically let my anger say it all. Even when I spoke to one of the students, it was anger that let me say it.
I started with “I know you enjoyed it and you’ve finished your work – you want to celebrate” and ended up close to tears of anger as I basically yelled at him.
But that anger was a cover for the fear and worry and pain I felt. I felt betrayed as they’d said they wouldn’t do this. I felt scared because I know the effects of second-hand smoke, I know I’m at risk. I was worried about my grades from the sleep-deprivation.
If I’d broken down, I’d possibly have been put down as an emotional female. PMS or something. My anger kept me from the pain until I took action.
I needed those reminders. There’s a reason you do what you do. All those monsters are trying to protect you. Kitten is just trying to protect me.
I know all this, but sometimes I forget.
This is my reminder to be kind to myself. After all, I’m currently trying to work out what to do with my life and to bridge life as a teen/student to a twenty-year-old woman with honour, patience, understanding and love. Can you help me? I’ve a compass but no map.
Take Care,
Rose
I found my answer in books and my one goal; the pursuit of truth and beauty. I found that by radically simplifying my life that I was given all the time and space needed to complicate my mind in the pursuit of knowledge.
As an introvert, I don’t tend to make a lot of social bonds; you seem much more social. I can only provide help by giving you a list of books that help me every day continue to my journey.
That would be wonderful, I’d love to see the list of books that helped you.
I’m currently working through memoirs [as you may have noticed] and I’m having some nice little insights about my passions. I’m also slowly working my way to simplicity, but it’s hard work.
This is a little more about being able to continue my passions beside money-paying work/that will pay me at the moment, due to student loans [i want to pay them off ASAP].
Thanks for the comment and take care,
Rose
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