Conversations with a Fear called Kitten
I’m suddenly feeling really anxious. It’s just hit me. I’m not sure of a cause. So it’s time to step into Enchantress mode and see what we can uncover.
Kitten, darling, would you come sit with me upstairs? I’ve a fresh glass of milk and we can put on some awesome music. Hey, my little familiar; my black bundle of fear, with your gorgeous yellow eyes. What’s up? Come sit with me.
Let’s stop and set intention. Take a breath. Be patient Rose, she’s hurting.
You’re tensing my muscles and wow, okay; I feel panic. What’s wrong?
Okay, let’s get up and just look outside. We’ve learnt from our cottage retreat that opening the window and taking a couple of deep breaths can solve 90% of our immediate problems.
Look at the gorgeous blue sky. Okay sweet. How can I help you feel less vulnerable? We’re not in pain, we’re safe here. You’re in a locked room with the window open onto a gorgeous blue sky. Look, there’s a coal tit in the tre- no sweet, you can’t chase it.
As I saw this bundle of fluff try to get down from my arms to chase a bird, I thought of children.
She’s just a young being of spirit; a sacred and confused being. She has instincts that tell her to get onto the windowsill and chase a harmless bird just as she has those that fight anything that will threaten my safety.
Is there something that’s triggered this?
I looked down at her cute yellow eyes and saw her expression change, as if speaking.
“It’s all so confusing.”
She buried her head beneath her paws and my grip on her tightened in what I hoped would comfort her.
“I’ve never had to be so responsible. You’re getting into all these new things and there are threats and could be any number of dangers from any of them and what if I can’t watch your back from every one? Things aren’t simple anymore. Those things you thought were simple aren’t.”
“Hey, okay. Shhh. It’s okay. Let’s have a look shall we? I’m not doing anything I’ve not done on a lower scale. Last term I tried lots of new things; these are just more/longer versions of things we’ve done before – and I was fine after those.
I have people here who care about us. Aiyana wouldn’t let us be in pain. If she saw us hurting, she’d be there to support us. As would Ant and Rebecca. If they couldn’t support us then we could all share somewhere; we can share the burden and cost and be each others penguin.”
(In this sense I’m referring to the fact that penguins huddle together for warmth, support and community. We’ll share our resources and gives and receive in equal measure. You, dear readers, are my penguins like Havi has commenter mice.)
She seemed to tilt her head in thought. So I waited and watched. I let my body relax, realising how tense it was and waited patiently for any change in her posture or expression.
I’m so blessed to have you looking after me. I understand that you’re only trying to protect me from pain. I would like to express that pain is just a signal that we need to stop and take care ourselves. I’m so grateful that you try to warn me of that before the pain sets in. I’m doing everything I can to stay safe and well – how can I reassure you in this?
She didn’t seem sure of how to respond, so I’ll give her time to work out what she needs from me.
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It’s really odd to be talking to myself (you may have noticed I talk more than she does..) in this way; but it also feels kind of natural, if you know what I mean. It feels almost, freeing, to speak to myself as a young, scared kitten. I guess since we all feel fear, we may all have a scared kitten who’s just trying to protect us.
Yours In Safety,
~Rose & Kitten