This week I’m forgoing the VPA because on Wednesday I did something astounding. Get ready to applaud…
After meditation, I took my teacher aside and asked if he could talk me through the Buddhist view of attachment in relation to my own situation.
Yes; ladies, gentlemen and penguins, I asked for help. Not just typing on my blog and twitter but speaking to a human; face-to-face and admitting I needed a hand.
Our focus during meditation was the Four Noble Truths. We discussed conditionality – how through condition A, condition B arises (e.g. Dukkha/suffering). I’d heard this teaching before – both in previous lessons and through my own study. However, something hit a chord this time and I suddenly saw light on how I’m dealing with separation.
I realized that only through my desire for things to be different, was I suffering.
When I thought “He’s going away, I’m going to have fun; we’ll meet back up with amazing stories and that wonderful feeling of re-connection (no longer annoyed with fate for “taking him”). Once I decided I was looking forward to connecting with the “experienced-changed-him” and focused on the wonderful connection we already have; I noticed that somewhere in that hour, my anxiety over his trip had just… dissipated.
I could look on the next 3 months as a chance for him to learn and experience, and for me to read and paint and really embrace myself and my life as it is. I’m incredibly lucky and most of the time, I love my life – I have this thirst for waking each morning and I feel accomplished a couple of nights a week.
As a Buddhist, I would be content with this [though we were reminded that doesn’t have to involve passivity if things need changing] and be happy to go with the flow- to accept and trust that this is an opportunity for something wonderful.
My logical and practical mind then set in; monsters’ abound, so I set up some more practical steps:
– I can sing every day, perhaps get my keyboard back out and have a play.
– I’ll be able to watch Disney movies and continue de-cluttering my room.
– I mentioned it to my friend on Monday and she suggested we go on a mini road trip for a couple of days.
– I can dance ShivaNata style
– I’ll be free to read- to really get engrossed in my books on Buddhism, The Celestine Insights, NLP & The Field/Biology of Belief. I can even re-learn some of my Quantum Physics material and rediscover Native American Spirituality.
I’m in a new situation and now I have independence; yet I’m still using my old coping mechanisms and habits. I live with students yet I’m still living the way I would with my parents. I’m content to spend a couple of weeks without seeing my other half; yet the moment I focus on double that time, I fall apart in old fears; forgetting I’m now able to be alone.
I’m intrigued that a couple of weeks ago I asked for help – asking that my monsters don’t rise during my exams [which start on Tuesday], and asking that I sleep well and am “able to cope” with the situation as it is.
I’m not quite sure how aware I’ll stay – I think that remembering this insight is what will challenge me most. It’s looking very unlikely I’ll see him before he goes now; but thanks to that insight, I’m currently feeling okay with it. I am capable and this is one of the skills I asked for. And I hope that if I lose sight of that, I’ll be capable of calling upon my metaphors.
It’s not a loss, but a neutral action which will bring experiences; all of which I can learn from.