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Wings of Flight

~ …Emblazing brightness with enchantress Wings…

Monthly Archives: June 2010

Visibility: Walking the Path

28 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Writing

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

novel, poetry, potential, SlinkySummer

Taking Action as a Writer

When I told the careers lady that I wanted to write, I didn’t think I meant fiction. However, I’ve got a few possibilities for a story. Since my NaNo novel had a similar plot to the books I’d finished reading the night before I started – I can’t edit and publish it. Obviously I changed a lot but the basic idea, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable claiming the story as mine.

However, thanks to that, I can steal some of my characters and put them in a novel with my own plot.

The Action

I have 162 pages, comprised of 52,369 words of a novel. And I’ve ordered a proof copy. I designed the cover and thanks to NaNoWriMo; it was all free.  I’ve also entered a poetry competition.

And even if it all comes to nothing – I’ve said I won’t work toward getting my nano novel anywhere and i know hundreds of people enter these competitions – I’ve taken action. Despite my fear, which is trying to protect me from the “pain of failure”; I’ve entered (and have works-in-progress for another 2 competitions) and I ordered the proof, despite knowing the draft is far from read-able. I completed the tasks I set out to do, and that’s a skill that I need to develop.

It’s also good to know that if I wanted to write a novel, I have the resources to write 53,000 words of fiction. I can actually develop characters these days, and I can happily work toward a goal of writing, even if only for the pleasure of myself/my family.  

Are Results Everything?

Well, I’ll be sure to mention the proof once it arrives and if I do start another novel, again I’ll most likely be blogging about it. However, I think it’s important not to focus too much on entering only to win.

After all, seeing that proof in my bookcase will give me the memories; the motivation and the courage to pursue other things. I didn’t know that I’d end up with a proof, with a cover with my name on it, on a completed novel. It’ll be my reminder of magic, even though it’s only the second draft, and it sucks.

I guess it’s important to remember that even if you can’t finish something, you can gain.

In Light,
Rose

Visibility: Creating the Dreamscape

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Writing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

novel, poetry, SlinkySummer

I find that the world often works in wonderfully mysterious ways.

Having published my last post on the courage to want to write, I had two conversations this weekend.

One was with a fellow Psychology student on my course. We discussed how society dictates the “right way” to do everything – the linear career paths everyone expects us to take. I shared with her some of the wonderful comments I’ve had here in an attempt to quell her fears. There are wonderful people out here who are following their dreams (see this post for a list). And you’re an inspiration to us.

We talked about how we couldn’t do just one thing – there’s no one thing we’re good at or enjoy over others… something which has been bugging me since I looked into self-employment.

The second conversation was with an old friend who I used to write poetry with (back when I wrote around 25 poems a week). He’s been published in magazines and won an award for a short story and is now working on a 90,000-word manuscript. He then said it would be the manuscripts honour if I were to proof-read it, which gives me something to do over the summer.

He also asked to see some of my work, as I haven’t shared my poetry in a year or so, and offered to proof-read my NaNoWriMo novel for me. We then got talking about the competitions he’s entering and had a nice time researching some UK competitions. And upon a few days of thought, I realised something about how I act now.

Action Speaks Louder than Poetry

I barely write anymore. I used to write an average of 25 poems a week. I now write around one poem a month. How can I expect to feel comfortable/skilled at/enjoyment from something I never do anymore?

So… adding to my let’s-not-do-everything-at-once-because-it-never-works Slinky Summer Programme, I’ve added writing to the program. Oops.

However, it’s just one or two poems per month, which I’m kind of already doing.

Expression

I’ve saved some websites of poetry competitions in the UK, mainly those which end Jul-Oct as the June deadlines are a little close for comfort while I have exams.  I guess it couldn’t hurt to get a few more things published [I’m in one anthology already] and have a possible poetry entry for a competition ending in July.

If anyone wants to offer a prompt to inspire me, please leave a note in the comments – most of the competitions have no prompt or a very loose one – and I don’t work without a prompt.

I was then reminded of the hundreds of stories I began when I was just 6 or 7; and of how I’ve always had at least one story on the go at a time… I thought of my failed attempts to write an e-book and came to a wonderfully sovereign compromise.

I’m being a little coy here for a reason, as I’ve got something in the works that I’m hoping to surprise you with in a couple of weeks. However, I can say that I’ve been editing my novel from November. At the time, I felt my ideas were almost plagiarised, my characters not developed enough (a common issue for my stories) and that the writing was of poor quality.

However, having left it well over 6 months since writing (or reading) it, I’m finding out that on this first edit, a lot of the plot is secure, and that having to churn out 1,700 words a day forced me to develop the characters quite fully. As a “winner” of NaNoWriMo 2009, I have a code to use, which runs out on 30th June and involves finishing a second draft of the story before that date.

Full Circle

It’s wonderfully exciting to have a 53,000 word manuscript that’s mine: that proves I COULD write a novel.  And if I did manage to, I could earn money from it, even if it involves self-publishing, which links in a little with the whole self-employment possibility I mentioned earlier.

For now, I’m going to write, and to get back into daily ShivaNata; since I’ve neglected the practise. I had some amazing epiphanies relating to writing and careers, and I’ve now churned them around enough to be ready for the next ones.

In Light,
Rose.

Personal Notes- Fragility&Courage

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Personal Notes

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

#SelfEv, breaking habits&labels, WorkingOnStuff

Working on my Stuff: Fragility & Courage

I’ve had major resistance to posting about my personal life, but it’s through adversity that we learn, and I want to teach help you through your own. Please be respectful with this post.

Dian Reid has deemed June the month of Self Evidence + Authenticity – and asks her readers to write about one of thirteen topics. I guess this could come under Courage or Self-Awareness (or it may come under none of these at all).

This post is inspired by Hiro’s blog on fragility; gliding through the house of wholeness; reflecting on the memories within the ocean.
These are the waves from my own ocean.

I think that reflecting on our personal practise is a key part of living. As a Psychologist and an artist, I notice patterns and conditions regularly. The last couple of weeks especially, I’ve been in a state of vulnerability.

I was brought up in a house where showing emotion, fragility or questioning was termed “weakness” and punished as such. I remember being told off for crying too loudly one night.

I’ve mentioned a couple of times now that I’ve had moments of depression, breakthrough and reaching for the pieces of sovereignty but when it comes to actually analysing the whys; I get a bit stuck.

Desires

In a couple of weeks my exams will be over. I’ll return home for the summer. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet; to seeing my cats and to the general rest of not having to cook/wash my clothes/get up early.  However, I’ll be surrounded once more by an older generation- by those who were taught that you must follow the linear path (school-university-work-marriage-kids-retirement-death) and to veer from “accepted” jobs would be a failure.

I’ll try all I can to explain it, but I doubt they’ll ever quite grasp that I want happiness; not success: That I value my friends, sleep, health and freedom over wealth and stature; That I don’t want to specialise and become a psychologist and get my name in journals.

I want to write. Oh, I’ve only recently “realised” this but I want to write. Despite writing over 500 poems in a single year; despite writing a novel in NaNoWriMo 2009, despite starting 20 books in my lifetime; I’d never known it until recently.

I went to a careers talk at university, arriving first. The speaker asked me if I had any idea of what I wanted to do and it sort of slipped out. “Well not really. I mean I’m a psychology undergraduate but i mean i want to write a book…-stunned silence at myself-“
 I what? I want to write? A book? When did this happen? But oh, it’s such a being of light in my mind.

In an “ideal” life, I’d go on courses and join clubs and fill my time with learning new things and art and music and dance and writing… I want to help others; to actually be able to care for those I love – for those who’ve lost their way and those who have no else to support them.

 Looking Forward

Yet I’m still in such a state of fragility myself; my projects to help others fall through – my motivation dropping as I realise I’m not in place where I can yet teach what I’ve learnt.

I’ve never been a patient being…

I’m not really sure of my footing, nor of my destination; but I’m following the stars and heading toward the sea. She’s singing tonight; reminding me to visit her this week.

I don’t have clarity and I’ll be distanced from support once I return home- but I’ll keep this constant courage, to listen to my heart, speak my mind when it matters and to put on my enchantress circlet and do the spiral dance.

In Light,
Rose. 

“We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?”

-Meant to Live,  Switchfoot

Comment Zen: This is my own process, we all have stuff, and please be respectful. Thankies.

Protection in its most intimate form

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Healing, Personal Notes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

buddhism, Insights, meditation

Last week in meditation, it was just my teacher, KJ and I. We talked about the 4… mahasatipatthana suttas, which if followed fully for 7 days, are believed to lead to enlightenment. The first of these, is to be aware of one’s body – the breath and postures, of the elements and then onto the sensations (the second sutta). We talked mainly about this first one, and then about how he used to/I currently feel very uncomfortable with mindfulness of breathing. I do not watch the breath, but control it the moment I give it attention.

Trauma

A few years ago, I spent three days in hospital. I remember not being able to eat on the 25th, and was admitted on 26th December. I hadn’t eaten solid food in a couple of days, and was barely able to swallow water, let alone soup or milk. I couldn’t swallow my own saliva and thus couldn’t sleep – as I’d choke on it and ‘wake’ before I reached dreams.

When I mentioned this, KJ explained that that was a trauma where my body learnt to associate deep breathing and hyper-awareness/sensitivity of it to not being able to breathe.

I’d never thought of it as a trauma, but it endured for almost 9 months. Every week I’d get a different anti-biotic and it would clear up for the 2 week-course and a week later, I’d be back at the doctor’s – now immune to the previous medication.

Luckily for me, the most likely ‘cure’ is a lot of mindfulness of breathing meditation. I’ve got some beads to focus on so I can sneak glimpses of my breath – before my consciousness notices and begins to control it.

Sensation

This week, KJ suggested we do a body-scanning meditation. The others really enjoyed it, which is great. I was fine until we got to the Diaphragm, Ribs and Lungs. Then I went back to my beads and had to focus on them.  In psychology, we call this form of conditioning vicarious and it’s hard to undo – though quick to learn.  However, I’m hoping that by being more comfortable in say, my feet, I’ll slowly warm to the feeling of being aware of my lungs too.

Ethics

After meditation, we looked at ethics – at the five precepts. We discussed how following them would lead to skilful action; and how the world would be if everyone followed them. Each has both a positive and negative phrasing:

–          The first is Kindness. If we were to act in every situation with kindness, it’s unlikely our action could be deemed “wrong”.    Thus Abstain from Harming.

– The second precept is Generosity. This is about giving – not craving; about sharing and connecting. Abstain from stealing.

–          Third, we come to Contentment. It was explained that this about not craving or taking – Abstain from sexual malpractice/misconduct [rape, abduction].

– The forth precept is Truth. Honesty. We discussed white lies and found that it is better to find a way of being honest. In the case of the truth hurting – that is not Kind, so best to stay silent. Abstain from lying.

–          Finally, Mindfulness – for what is a worldview without attention to ourselves and others?  Abstain from intoxication. In this sense, if you can keep your head with a glass of wine, that’s fine; for it is the state of mind we are abstaining from-not necessarily the substance.

Action

In the midst of exams, I’m in need of these precepts. As housemates play music at 2am and I find myself irritable, I need to remember to follow them as best I can.  Alongside this, my body is rebelling- telling me that it hurts: Sitting in that exam hall telling me that my knees are in pain, that my neck hurts and please-stop-writing-now-because-my-wrist-needs-to-click.

At a time when I wish to shut it out, my mind and body are reminding me that I’m not separate from it. That this is not a body to carry me forward, but a section of me; moving.  At times of stress, perhaps we’d be better off aware – able to catch the signs of neglect and pain faster- in order to prevent deterioration.

If I could give myself patience- I would take deep breathes, dance when the mood struck and forgive myself.

And then; stuck, I surfed on over to Havi’s pirate ship, and found this:

“Safety — for me — is found in going inward. This is not true for many of my people, for whom turning inward feels really unsafe.
Working with people who are curious about their internal workings — about Very Interior Design — means finding ways to create safety for this process.
Entry and exit points: what do we know about them?
They need to be more defined. They need ritual. Transitioning is special. Moving out and in is a space where things happen.
These spaces are … huh the word that’s coming is “blessed” that’s totally not something I would ever say but okay.
I did not know that.
These spaces need extra love and attention. Rituals to start. Rituals to end. Rituals of re-entry.
Where do I find protection?
In the dance. In my self.”

I can find protection in myself, and can define exits and entries for this looking-inward-sensation-seeking movement dance. I can protect myself, despite knowing intellectually, that it is safe.
I’m allowed to be afraid, and allowed to ask for protection.

In Light,
Rose.

Finding the Pieces

08 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Living Metaphor

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

enchantress, SlinkySummer

 – an incoherent link-filled post about making peace with money and soul-searching plans for the summer.

The Pieces

Exams are in full swing. Despite having 6 years of meditation experience, the stress has hit me this week and I haven’t felt much like blogging. As per usual I’ve got all these ambitious desires for the summer that most likely won’t come to fruition; as my most common pattern appears to be taking on too much and losing focus.

The Kindergarten

During the Summer Holidays, the one thing I miss the most are my weekly meditation sessions. I miss the routine of stopping, meeting my body and mind and taking a moment to refresh.

As my other half will be away in Cambodia and my friends on their own holidays; I’ve signed up to Hiro’s wonderful Sovereignty Kindergarten Teleclass in order to do a bit of inner-reflection and learning. One of my other main patterns for the holidays is to lose my personality. I’m living back at home with my parents and thus I revert back to a lot of my childhood habits; alongside feeling suffocated by the lack of friends and suddenly losing my sense of freedom. So having a once-a-week nudge to say “hey, it’s okay, just hang in there, let’s take 90 minutes to play. To create. To breathe and leave this world of social-norms” is perfect.


I’ve no doubt that I’ll be putting on my enchantress circlet and learning to wield that sceptre over the Summer.

Investments

This year seems so much to be about learning to invest in myself. I’ve gifted myself with:

  • Reiki levels I and II
  • Procrastination-dissolve-o-matic
  • ShivaNata
  • Love That Room Course
  • Goddess Workbook
  • Shmorian Thing-Finding Class
  • Sovereignty Kindergarten Teleclass
  • CopyWriting Magic Teleclass [please donate to Havi’s playground with me (even good wishes are needed)]
  • Uplevel Your Life Call
  • A distance Reiki healing session [perfect during the exams]
  • The Sailboat Kit
  • Minimalist Business Upgraded
  • Regain Your Balance Ebook

Money Worries 

And although my funds are slipping… I’m happy. Many students are saving up to travel the world. I’m planning to go on a week-retreat next Summer; but beyond that, have no yen to travel; so I can spend that money on other things.

I started off just giving the odd £15-20 to people who were starting a business or following their dreams; and then I started buying stuff that was particularly useful to me, and it seems that since March I’ve spent £663.84 (987. 46$) which to a student who has never had a job, is a scary figure.

But in the greater perspective; I know students who will spend that amount on alcohol and clubbing during their degree.  I’ve always saved up birthday money and I can take pride in how many people I’ve helped to feed with those donations.

 Introducing my Slinky-Summer-Program

So I found these wonderful programs and courses and I’m planning to meet all these helpers during the summer. I have a notebook picked out, as I’ve missed writing by hand; and I’m going to just take my pick of doing one of those things each day.

 

To me, the owner of a butterfly-rainbow-slinky, this says Sovereignty like nothing else.

If I spend the day in bed, watching television; but do a single page of the Schmorian-Finding Workbook; I’ll be content. If I can meditation once a week; I’ll be content. If I listen to each Sovereignty Call a couple of times and complete that week’s exercise; I’m going to do all I can to be content: To take it slowly and to give myself the choice.

To be kind to myself.

I’ve forgotten to do that lately.
And I’m ready to get back to it.

 In Light,
Rose

Sovereignty

03 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Rose in Insights

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

breaking habits&labels, Insights, stormy seas

I’ve been in and out of a place of hard the last couple of weeks. Down to the depression I hadn’t felt in coming up to a decade, where I couldn’t get out of bed; all the way up to the Buddhist view of relieving dukkha and smiling at the sun just because.

I’ve taken two of six exams now. One person has started some drama on facebook of all places; didn’t talk to me directly; just made sly comments about me, with the expectation I would notice. The emotions this brought up:

–          That my views/feelings are not valid

–          That I’m strange/weird/not-right

–          That I need psychological help [an old label from my childhood]

–          That perhaps we both fear confrontation [trying to connect with his reasoning of behind-my-back-so-i’ll-see tactics]

–          That he’s trying to provoke a response [mentioning Satan around me because I’m Pagan is usually an attempt to get a rise]

–          That I’m hurting – this is hitting some key areas and I don’t like it

So I replied; just stating the facts “I wondered who did X too [i.e. Wasn’t me], I found X like Y.” And came home to listen to some nice music.  With my fan on and a cup of green tea by my side, Ludovico Einaudi playing through my speakers and reading my favourite sovereign blogs; I’m feeling better.

 And I began to remember these lessons I’m still learning:

  • This isn’t me – I am not my thoughts, my emotions or my conditioning.  
  • I didn’t fight back
  • It’s his problem, not mine – he is responsible for his actions; I am responsible for my reactions
  • Open the window and take a deep breath – it solves a lot of things.

 

Something Havi said today also helped:

“Whenever things got hard or weird or overwhelming, I thought about the crazy great thing that is this space.
How much I adore you guys.
And what a safe, comfortable, loving place we’ve built here. And that if it’s possible to do something like that online, whatever would happen in person would be incredible.”

These past couple of weeks, I’ve thought of all my supporters on Twitter, those in Brighton and those who’re doing the most amazing things like teaching ShivaNata, starting their own businesses, doing courses and teleclasses and just following their dreams. And that got me through it.

Being able to come online [even if only from under the stairs] and see all the sovereignty you live and breathe – to know that I can be ‘delightfully eccentric’ instead of “psychotic”.

Thank you for supporting me – for bringing me back down to earth, but not indulging in my ideas like a child.

 In Sovereignty,
-Rose

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Rose

artist, neuroscientist, writer & dreamer

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