I’ve been in and out of a place of hard the last couple of weeks. Down to the depression I hadn’t felt in coming up to a decade, where I couldn’t get out of bed; all the way up to the Buddhist view of relieving dukkha and smiling at the sun just because.
I’ve taken two of six exams now. One person has started some drama on facebook of all places; didn’t talk to me directly; just made sly comments about me, with the expectation I would notice. The emotions this brought up:
– That my views/feelings are not valid
– That I’m strange/weird/not-right
– That I need psychological help [an old label from my childhood]
– That perhaps we both fear confrontation [trying to connect with his reasoning of behind-my-back-so-i’ll-see tactics]
– That he’s trying to provoke a response [mentioning Satan around me because I’m Pagan is usually an attempt to get a rise]
– That I’m hurting – this is hitting some key areas and I don’t like it
So I replied; just stating the facts “I wondered who did X too [i.e. Wasn’t me], I found X like Y.” And came home to listen to some nice music. With my fan on and a cup of green tea by my side, Ludovico Einaudi playing through my speakers and reading my favourite sovereign blogs; I’m feeling better.
And I began to remember these lessons I’m still learning:
- This isn’t me – I am not my thoughts, my emotions or my conditioning.
- I didn’t fight back
- It’s his problem, not mine – he is responsible for his actions; I am responsible for my reactions
- Open the window and take a deep breath – it solves a lot of things.
Something Havi said today also helped:
“Whenever things got hard or weird or overwhelming, I thought about the crazy great thing that is this space.
How much I adore you guys.
And what a safe, comfortable, loving place we’ve built here. And that if it’s possible to do something like that online, whatever would happen in person would be incredible.”
These past couple of weeks, I’ve thought of all my supporters on Twitter, those in Brighton and those who’re doing the most amazing things like teaching ShivaNata, starting their own businesses, doing courses and teleclasses and just following their dreams. And that got me through it.
Being able to come online [even if only from under the stairs] and see all the sovereignty you live and breathe – to know that I can be ‘delightfully eccentric’ instead of “psychotic”.
Thank you for supporting me – for bringing me back down to earth, but not indulging in my ideas like a child.