Working on my Stuff: Lost in Spaciousness
I’ve had major resistance to posting about my personal life, but it’s through adversity that we learn, and I want to teach help you through your own. I also use this blog as a way of reaching out for support when I’m in need. Please be respectful with this post. This is totally un-edited, complete with tears and some moping. Apologies.
Tonight, I have my final real-time conversation with other half. I saw him at the beginning of May, and shall see him again in August. These final 5/13 weeks will be spacious. He may be able to send one email a week. And if you’ve been around here, you’ll know I’m not particularly at-peace with the idea. I’ve cried and worried and I’m not sleeping.
I’m worried for his health and safety, yes. I want him to enjoy the opportunity and he’ll help so many people, which is wonderful. I’m worried about how he’ll fare his final exam without my support.
Yet, on top of the obvious fear for him, I’m afraid for myself.
Afraid we’ll be too different when he returns. Afraid I’ll lose him in some way [and my mind has had some incredibly creative ideas as to how].
I’m worried about how he will cope without his evening star,
And of how I will cope the stormy seas without my lighthouse.
I have a week with my family, whom I don’t always get on well with. I get my exam results the following week and the week after that, it would be our 3.5 year anniversary. I have to find a job for Summer and deal with BBQs and family’s birthdays.
All of which I find stressful (minus our anniversary, which is just a shame we won’t be able to contact each other). I’ve been losing sleep over this massive ‘synchronicity of rubbishness’ for weeks now, and I’m run-down from it.
The risk of his being in a plane crash or killed by a poisonous snake should be remote (I assume). The likelihood he and I will be in a state of pain and anxiety for the next few weeks isn’t.
I’m sure if that’s selfish or not.
Regardless, I need to remember that I totally have a right to be feeling a bit down.
One day at a Time
For the next week, I won’t be able to turn to singing, my friends, gaming, my other half or junk food (eating). I’m going to have to eat out (don’t like) and sit on the beach (ouch) and cycle miles every day (yuck) and basically stifle my sovereignty. Great way to start the kindergarten off.
I hope I’ll be able to dance, write, meditate and read. Even if I have to do a lot of it after dark. I’ve books on plot, my novel so far (6,000 words), blog posts and workbooks. I hope I’ll be able to throw in the odd comment and really stand up against what feels wrong to me.
I’ll be missing the first week of Sovereignty Kindergarten, but I have my Shmorian-Thing-Finding workbook all printed out. I’m taking copies of Havi’s blogpost on trouble with sleep, the Sovereignty Kindergarten front page to remind me of what awaits when I return home and some essay questions for next years exams, because I’m in so much panic over this years results I’m already revising for next years.
I’m taking my music player, phone and my camera. I will take tissues, the cuddly tiger (named after the Goddess of Protection) and the locket with his hair & picture in it with me. And I will take it one day at a time, one day closer to that sanctuary I’ve become attached to.
This is Rose,
In anxiety and alone,
cut-off from the internet;
asking for it to all be okay.