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You know when you’re surrounded by people who are having low/bad days? Who’re ill or down; whose energy is depleted and you can sense that they just don’t want you there?

Do you know when that’s all going on yet you LIVE with them and thus find it hard to give and get the space you need?

-sigh- My days are good yet I am down. I have no reason to be feeling like this. I’ve been avoiding writing a blog-post since each attempt seems to focus so much on how I’m feeling; and I don’t want to bring you down with me.  I’ve been through depression. This is bordering those kinds of downs. My negative thoughts are taking form; making forts and preparing to fight for rights to my actions and mind again.

And due to many different circumstances, I’m actually more alone than I’ve ever been. Most of the the people and systems that helped me four years ago are long gone.

Darn and drat. Life has a way of picking moments to welcome in the monsters.

Time to Respond

Time to say hello, to welcome that negativity in for a peace talk and offer it cake.

– Gentle fights

Yes I know, Fighting isn’t helpful when it comes to monsters [ to most things, actually…] and nonviolence rocks and all. I agree with that 90% of the time.

– Questions

What’s the trigger? How can I ease myself out? What helped me in my depression from 2001-2006. This is *now*.

(Dammit, I hate that label. Might need to metaphorisice that.)

– Catharsis

Poetry, writing on my emo xanga from when I was 15 and crying.

– Incense

As I fall asleep. To stop the flashbacks/nightmares/hauntings. I wish I could remember the last time I slept well. Or dreamed a nonviolent/non-scary/comfortable dream.

– Music

Singing, which helps keep my breathing stable, my thoughts distracted and has lyrics of “I can get through this”.

– Permission

Oh. Permission to feel. To be. To talk to myself negatively even if just for a while; to tell the monster I see it’s points. And then permission to calmly tell it to give me space.

– Good Food

Carrots and sweet corn are good – slightly sweet and healthier than biscuits/chocolate. Same goes for fruit.

The Lesson

What can I learn here?

At this point, I’ve no idea. It feels like a bit of a test, actually.

We’ll throw all we can at you, while you’re already stressed about X and Y.

I KNOW I’ll get through it. I know life has ups and downs, ebb and flow. I can see myself at the other end of this down; happy and smiling.

For me personally, that doesn’t help me with the best way to deal with the “now”.

So it’s a reminder – to practise ShivaNata, to sing, to meditate and to dance.

Attention should be paid to my stressors:

–          Choices/applications for next year

–          Ten pieces of coursework

–          A course I barely understand

  • [did you know that MK801 is Dizocilpine; which is a non-competitive antagonist for NDMA, so it’s a depressant and anti-convalescent.  Neither did I. Nor did we want to know…]
  • [or that benzofuranyl-chloro-hydroxy-methyl-tetrahydro-bezazepine is a Benzodiazepine which acts on the…omega region of a the activated GABA receptor. Me neither.]

–          Supporting my closest friends emotionally as they’re not strong enough to help me through this

–          Sleepless nights / Nightmares

How does that help?

Awareness is the key, as they say.

Thus, what’s it TELLING me?

I need rest.

Then I make space to rest – deciding to miss this weeks creative writing society meeting. And I recognise a new voice. A monster.

The Negotiation

In which I meet the laziness-excuse-making monster who fears I’ll not use the time wisely.

Monster: You’re just making excuses. You’re afraid and tired, so you’ll stay home and do nothing with your life and then amount to nothing.

Rose: What if I promise to work during my night in; even if for ten minutes.

Monster: But then you’re not resting, so you must’ve been lying when you cancelled because you need a rest!

Rose: And then rest once the ten minutes are up.

Monster: Hmm. But will you DO that?

Rose: What if I dedicate twenty minutes of reading in bed at the end of my day; an early night and until then, alternate between talking online with friends, reading, art and work? All evening. I’ve already done 30 minutes of exercise, I’ve a healthy dinner planned and we can have a little lie-in come morning.

Monster: Sounds lazy.

Rose: It’s called restoration. I can’t work 24/7 or I’ll crash and then where will we be? I understand you’re afraid for me. This especially, though, pointing out the negatives is only going to make me feel bad; which drains my energy and I get less done.

Monster:

Rose: Perhaps you can give me a little reminder or we can set a goal?

Monster: Goals are good. Productive.

Rose: And then I get a reward for reaching that goal; of time to read or a snack?

Monster: Not too much time..

Rose: No, just enough to give me back some energy.

Monster: Hmm. Deal.

So that’s tonight. And I did a good couple of hours of work, had a healthy meal and now I’m off to bed.

Lesson of the day?

Negotiate.

Even monsters can compromise.

In Light,

Rose

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