There’s nothing special about today.
Except the freedom from a cloud of depression that’s haunted me; the rain cold and empty on my skin.
Except for the shivanata I practised about 5 times throughout the day.
Except for noticing I judge a guy in my class; and asking that judgement to be quiet. And discovering his point to be valid.
Except for meeting a pagan and some spiritual society members; and seeing Eat, Pray, Love in the cinema.
Just an ordinary day.
Of beauty, potential and connection.
Of progress in processing.
I read the book (Eat,Pray,Love) earlier this year.
And let’s just say that in my past I had my own David; without the physical side of the relationship. (For those who don’t know, he’s kind of her obsessive rebound from her divorce. they fight all the time but are so passionately head-over-heels that neither can give the other up) . I poured myself into the man in question, and though we fought so often and to such a heated level of passion; we couldn’t let go. And thus made plans. Or I did.
He seemed to change his mind constantly.
“What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly… but we can’t live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together – in misery, but happy not to be apart.”
In the end, he left. He emailed on Valentine’s Day to say that I had to either be his girlfriend/fiancé again; or he couldn’t face speaking to me. I knew then that I’d never be with him again.
“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
The words certainly sparked in me the obsessive love I used to be a part of. I now recognise that it was a great love because I fell in love with the image of his good side.
“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.”
When I read Eat, Pray, Love; I found a crying wreck of my old self – that heartbroken girl; too afraid to trust. I found wounds that hadn’t healed from his abandonment, the broken promises and a small voice of anger that I let him get away with it.
“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said — that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”
Tonight, I saw the movie. It’s become cliché, they missed out some amazing spiritual moments [the petition to god, the Italian lessons, the “I have been there” phrase, surrender, the swearing football match, the cream puffs, the boy she sang the gurit- meditation thing too, the list the Texan Richard gives her (and the conversation that follows), the struggle to get the single mother a house] and people found the main character hard to sympathise with (possibly because they’ve ripped about 80% of the emotion from it).
However, I found the “getting through the betrayal and the obsession” parts to be real enough to spark my own cognition. (And they didn’t miss out too much in the India section).
“How could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after? It had to work. Didn’t it?”
It’s been a couple of years and I’m happy in my current relationship. Yet, I’d never fully closed that door. I miss his friendship; his company. I couldn’t see how a relationship so emotion-filled could really dissipate to dust and memories. Yet he’s spent two years ignoring me. I never saw what I’d gain by actively letting his memory go.
Now I’m in questioning,
I’m not claiming to be able to “see clearly now” because I’m blinded; seeing how she was happy but in the end; so much happier. Making excuses that it’ll be different for me; that my situation was different. Every moment we shift; I’m not the person I was last night; when I began writing this. My every experience is a shift in ‘me’. This is progress.
It’s a process;
we’ll see where I end up.
P.S. All quotes in green are written by Elizabeth Gilbert in the book, Eat, Pray, Love.