Month V – a 3/2/1 update

Tags

3/2/1, blazing-crusade

So, we’re at May. Blessed Beltain and Happy May Day and oh-hell-is-it-May-already?! Let’s see the plans for this month. Dissertation is due on Wednesday so my next post will probably be after then.

iii/ii/i

Meditation; spirit/strength of mind

I was so good at this in the holidays. –sigh- After the 4^th I’m planning to get back into Reiki at least twice a week. I have done some brief dance but shivanata and yoga have both fallen to the bottom of my list. We did have a meditation session on Tuesday, and I did, however, spent an afternoon walking a long the beach with a new friend; making connections and learning throughout the experience. Which has got to be good for my spirit. Back at University, I’ve been burning incense keeping the window open.

Plan for the month: More Reiki, back to Yoga, more Dance & meditation.

Diet: energy/vitality
I’ve been waking at 8:15am all week and today, awoke at 7:30 without an alarm. I felt awake, so got up. Last night Emma and I made dinner together while doing a crossword. Good connections, good food and brilliant company. Breakfast is healthy, I’m reaching my 5-a-day; but I’ve still got Easter chocolate to finish. Forgotten my iron a few times this week

Plan for the month: Iron tablet daily; cut down on chocolate. Buy some oatcakes and raisins instead.

Exercise; physical strength
I’m in my University room which has so much junk filling the space. Once my dissertation is done I’ll be free to do a clearout and hoover the whole room. I intend to get back to my exercise routines at some point too. As previously stated; walked a bit on Friday so I’ve not been completely couch-bound.

Plan for the month: Increased Shivanata practise, Yoga & Bellydance sessions, Stretches & Physiotherapy exercises; which I’ve stopped again.

Strengthening aspect for Month V
At the beginning of April, I chose the word “release” and then added “formulate”. For May, I’m embracing my theme of “emblazon” to guide me through the last four days of my dissertation; two essays and my two exams.

What will guide you this month?

In light,
Rose

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Shiva: destruction of patterns

Tags

breaking habits&labels, Insights, shivanata, SoaringStore

I’ve been doing a lot of shivanata in preparation for my upcoming classes; using my right arm first, trying levels 4-7 and writing out the numbers if I can’t actively practise.

The aim of the practise is to create new pathways in your brain so you can re-wire it. This allows you to de-condition your old habits and make new, healthier patterns. It is a yoga-based movement training for your brain and all I can say is that it works.

I’ve been having the epiphanies and learning my boundaries, ready to untangle my habits and replace them with strength; bringing fierce compassion into my world once more.

“As Shiva is all and omnipresent,
Everywhere is Shiva‘s gracious dance made manifest.
His five-fold dances are temporal and timeless…

…The eight quarters are His eight arms,
The three lights are His three eyes,
Thus becoming, He dances in our body as the congregation…

…Shiva is a destroyer and loves the burning ground. But what does He destroy? Not merely the heavens and earth at the close of a world-cycle, but the fetters that bind each separate soul.”

–          Tirumular’s Tirumantram,  Ananda K Coomaraswamy.

Insights

Thus, I’ve not been far from epiphanies and bing this week; though not all of them pleasant.

As a conditioned being with as mixed a past as anyone, a lot of my patterns are negative and as Shiva Nata helps change them; the negative ones have been the focus of a lot of my practise.

I’ve noticed patterns in my emotional use of speech, how I take things personally instinctively, how I struggle to communicate unless my issues are verified and how part of me is happy I’m not top of the class because then my family will leave me be (which leads to this story I have of how they value people only who are useful to them).

I’ve also noticed more personal things about how I express myself about “old patterns” and how much guilt I feel over my perfectionism.

I even had an epiphany about what’s keeping me stuck in the dance. I’d been unable to get over a hurdle and this week I sat down with the levels 4-7 and worked out the pattern of 2+3 by not changing planes. And ta-da, I can do a bit of level 3 =).

Classes – A Motivator

The best way for me to form a habit is to have some accountability; some negative thing to happen if I fail.

So, having tried to get into a regular practise for about a year now; I’ve decided to teach shivanata classes.. and if I don’t practise often I’ll lose the ability to do it and my students will doubt my ability and I will feel ashamed or guilty.

I’m happy to make mistakes because half-the-point of shivanata is to get it wrong; but to be physically unable to reach the positions or explain the simpler things would make me a failure as a teacher; and I won’t let that happen.

I begin in just over two weeks.

This works both ways, though. Those signing up for classes are asking me to do regular sessions with them in order for them to keep the practise up. And what isn’t better to learn with others; to share your epiphanies with, to question the confusing parts and to find the answers together?

You can set yourself homework and upon our next class; share your insights.

Want some insights?

If you’d like to have a go at the practise, I’m running introductory sessions in Brightonon the 14^th, 17^{th [cancelled due to a funeral]} and 19^th May; see my schedule for details and to sign up.

You don’t have to know anything about Dance of Shiva but if you practise and just want some accountability, you’re also welcome.

I’m also running 6-week courses through June to give people the option of regular settings. Similarly, I’m happy to set up individual sessions at whatever interval suits us both. I currently have a student who wants to meet up every 2-3 weekends because this works out best for us both. Send me an email to arrange something similar or use the sign up form via my class page.

If you can’t make my classes; take a look at the starter kit with DVD instead.

In light,
Rose

Dancing With Limitation: The Second Phase

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, dancing-with-limitation, potential, soar

“Dancing with that limitation. Finding the edge of your limitation and dancing with it.”
– Susan O’Connell

Back in October, I spoke about Dancing with Limitation; an experiment into facing my fears; pushing my boundaries and excelling in things I didn’t like.
As part of my blazing crusade, I’m finding the limits and destroying them, ready for new growth.

I signed up to give campus tours to groups of school-children. Despite my fear of public speaking, my phobia of crowds and my dislike of meeting new people; it went well. I have redefinition to blame for this.

“Creativity can be described as letting go of certainties.”
– Gail Sheehy

April-August: an adventure
This is my final term as an undergraduate; these 13 weeks before graduation. In July, I graduate with a BSc in Psychology and then in September, I begin my life as a post-graduate student, pursuing an MSc in Cognitive Neuroscience.

For this final term, I have two essays due in, my dissertation and two exams to pass. However, I’m staying here inBrightonfor 15 weeks.

My word for May is ‘Centre’ as I approach June 4^th – My Seventh anniversary of my Dedication to Paganism. I speak more about my past encounters with deity in my post on Strength.

“Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.”
– Gail Sheehy

The Plan
So with my enchantress dress, my power of redefinition and a sense of adventure; here’s my list of ways I’m pushing my boundaries in the next few months.

– I’m teaching Shiva Nata
– Yana and I will likely hold a Reiki share
– I’m public speaking at:
* Community Care Live Conference for the Paul Hamlyn Foundation
* Right Here Showcase
* Campus Tours  [still scares me]
– I’m attending courses [hate walking into a room of strangers]:
* ASIST
* Safeguarding Vulnerable Adults [tbc]
* Asperger Syndrome Awareness [tbc]
– Teaching meditation at CM&B society
– Likely talk about paganism again for SS society [tbc]
– Attending group discussions with Right Here:
* Campaigns influencing strategy meeting [wow that sounds pompous]
* National Panel Meeting
* General panel meetings (2x a month)
– I’m going to try rock-climbing to meet people

“If every day is an awakening, you will never grow old. You will just keep growing.”
– Gail Sheehy

Are you reaching your potential?
What boundaries could you push today?  How are you defined today?
How would you redefine yourself?

Dance with your limitations, and they’ll move back as you push them forward.

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.”
– Gail Sheehy

In light,
Rose

Emblazement: a Lexical Discussion of Inner Fire

Tags

blazing-crusade, LiteratureLessons, metaphor

Having spoken about my fear of the night and my relationship with strength – I want to bring up this fierce compassion that’s keeping me curious.

The Fierce Fire
Some of you may have noticed that since I spoke about my fiery nature, I’ve embraced the term of “blazing”. For me, it represents the ability to get through anything while still shining; still inspiring and helping people; yet still moving forward through obstacles, like a flame on petrol… controlled along a path so as to do little destruction, yet fast and bright enough to reach a destination [potential] and light the way.

I said that this year would be a time to construct on the focused foundation of last year. I wanted to build from a place of strength. For 2010, I called myself an Enchantress in order to be powerful but not volatile.

The Backdrop

Back in December, I spoke about fierce compassion and how I didn’t want to fight my fiery nature. Two weeks ago, I wrote about support; why it’s so important and how I fiercely defend those who go against the grain. Then, I wrote about my relationship with the strong-woman stereotype in the form of Pagan Warrior Goddesses.

I grew up with strong women – the power rangers, gladiators, batwoman, charlie’s angels, lara croft, Belle from beauty and the beast; and then shows like Charmed, Buffy the vampire Slayer,  movies such as AeonFlux, Catwoman, Electra, Kill Bill, Resident Evil, Underworld, and so on.

And I’ve come to some realisations about this compassionate strength, with its violence. I’ve been musing on the tagline of “blazing brightness with enchantress wings” in order to add a little fierceness power into that enchantress metaphor. Having realised that I don’t need to dampen my fire; I don’t want to let it control me as it did in my younger self.

Illumination

Although I want to be that strong warrior, at this point, I’d rather inspire and illuminate potential for others. I already fight- I wake each morning and decide to make it through the day despite night terrors, PTSD-like symptoms and illogical phobias. Each day I fight to focus on the present and not to be defined by my past experiences. I don’t need to integrate myself with the fire of fighting; because it’s here; already alert and prepared.
What I want to re-awaken within me is my ability to illuminate; to enthuse things in a fiery way… from your passions to my potential to the wrongs in this world and the beauty of magic within it.

A Series of E-words

Enthuse.. from ‘entheo’  “in god” or “possessed by God”. To bring the gods into us/it/the subject.

I want to bring the gods into my potential and the magic of our beautiful world; and to bring them into the suffering and your passion so that we may heal, so that we may illuminate both the rights and wrongs.

Enthused Emblazement.
Emblazement. Which isn’t a word.

Emblaze means:
To illuminate; to etch or display in a bright, fiery way.

It reminds me of Emblazon – to shield, and Empower – to give power or permission.  Two aspects I want to bring into my consciousness.

It represents the ability to get through anything while still shining; still inspiring and helping people; yet still moving forward through obstacles. Perhaps uncontrolled, leaving destruction in my wake; but from destruction we can build afresh; much like Shiva Nata.

“Destroy, destroy, destroy. Destroy within yourself, destroy all around you. Make room for your soul and for other souls,. Destroy because all creation proceeds from destruction…”
– The Dance of Shiva, 1918 * Cf. Marcel Schwob, Is Livre de Monelle.

I emblaze; it’s what I do when my friends need a shoulder, a sounding board or someone to just listen. It’s what I do in my services, on forums and in blog comments. I find that defiance and I remind them that they can ignite that spark and follow their passion all the way to their potential.
What’s your defining word?

In Light,
Rose

The five-week budget plan (for 15-weeks of frugality)

Tags

frugality, money, seasons, SlinkySummer

Right. As I mentioned last week and much like my friend over at Frugal Trenches, I’ve been working out my finances for the next 4-6weeks.

I’m not sure I ever actually  mentioned this but, I’ve been officially offered a place “reading for the degree of Master of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience”.  Woop Woop (dat is de sound of da pol-ice).

The Masters degree from September 2011- 2012 will cost me £10,000. I currently have.. £4,400. And I still have 4 months of my UG degree & volunteering responsibilities. That means 4 months of bills, rent, food, & outings for my sanity [druid meets, pagan moot, courses, seeing my other half, Buddhafield] before I even begin to find the 10k.

Okay, so. My income is based on casual work shifts of £30, paid psychology studies £5-10, my Shivanata lessons, donations and services.

The Scale

I’m in Brighton for 15 consecutive weeks from April 25^th– August 2^nd, leading to three 5-week plans.

So, here’s the first section: from April 25^th to May 29th!

The 5-weekly budget:

• Food £20 a week = £100 {- £4 a week}
• Rent £330
• Outings are £40 [£2 moot, £20 druid meet, other half £15, £25 bellydance ]
• Bills £40

Upon my return to University; I’ll do a big supermarket shop for fresh fruit & vegetables, staples like bread, butter, milk, snack bars for university, frozen meat/quorn, potatoes & tea. I then intend to go for as long as possible [maybe 3 weeks if I really push it?] with JUST bread, milk, fruit & vegetables.

Everything else will be batch-cooked from my cupboard/freezer ingredients I left at my student house over the holidays.

Do you have any current financial goals or cooking-on-a-budget tips?

In light,
Rose

Redefinition: a Child Becomes a Priestess

Tags

decluttering, enchantress, metaphor, paganism

For me, language is key.

I keep writing posts about how language is EVERYTHING. Yet most of them never get published because.. I don’t even know why.

Our perception of life, of ourselves, or our environments; outer and inner – of actions, thoughts, feelings, and the notion that circles are round is based on language.

Changing the label of a raised-heartbeat-sensation from “fear” to “excitement” alters our outlook on the situation, our feelings and our flow of ideas. Saying we can’t do something stops us trying to our fullest; thus we don’t manage it.

Language is life.

Personality

I speak about this regularly in my search for a metaphor within my life. In my current state; a twenty-year old women who was raised to believe that anger solves everything, all calm people are weak, tears will kill & that people are not trustworthy; I cannot learn to be compassionate from this vulnerable child state. From here I build my warrior’s heart into a flaming fire of passion, of soul.

For peace, compassion and patience I invoke my strength; and I separate her.

She is the priestess; an enchantress of fierce compassion. She is the mother-hawk who surfaces when my friends are hard on themselves; or being wronged. She is the voice of clarity who says “hey, don’t call yourself names; you’re perfect as you are!” She connects and she is community, soaring with insight and reaching for the thermals of potential.

Then I have the maiden-wolf; a young adult wolf within her pack; searching, seeking, teaching… she falters a lot but finds that resilience, the courage and with defiance, steps into the sun to face her fear; a snarl of acknowledgement that this will hurt; but fear shall not stop me from telling you I am strong.

I am the wise tigress; who knows about the quietude of silence, the strength in space and the ability to shield myself from the petty worries I hold on to. The value drops as I become her, infused with the knowledge that I am more than the progress I have or haven’t made; more than a blood-daughter of my parents. I am a sacred entity and I have knowledge, understanding and wisdom. I seek it as a wolf yet I teach it. I know.

 

Job Titles as Spiritual Direction

Acting from these spaces of a shape-shifting priestess gives me the empowerment that counters my fears. It keeps my vision intact when my old triggers arise.

For example, I’m afraid of the dark, which means that outdoor rituals in the evening make me a little jumpy and thus, I don’t relax into it that easily.

However, if I enter the circle as a Priestess of the Gods, a capable and wise Pagan enchantress; suddenly I feel that I can light candles with my mind and can invoke the warrior goddess Scathach should the dark conceal some enemy.

In a more mundane setting; as I pursue minimalism, I am a priestess looking at preparing my grove’s inner temple. How would a Pagan priestess’s desk look? She writes, reflects and reads. Thus she needs reading, writing and reflective items – thus pens, highlighters, pencils, notepads, laptop, tea, incense and.. that’s about it. So why have I got a belt here or a phone lead?

My chest of drawers surface should have candles, incense, hairbands, jewellery and nail varnish. Nothing more.  yet, the sentiment and “i-might-need-it” jumps in and I am once more a child defined by the items I’ve grown up with. This is the current surface:

Overall, I’m a vulnerable child clinging to memories; but taking a breath, invoking the Goddess of Sanctuary, Nemetona and stepping into the character of a sacred priestess of the Gods.

The Practise

Through this practise of giving myself a job title; I’m able to do the job to the specifications of that desire. If my desire is peace, action needs to come from a place of that desire; from a picture in my mind of calmness, of tranquillity. Calling myself tranquil mediator and this a yoga studio means that I look at how well it will allow me to meditate and do yoga; not how well it will be a gymnasium.

At the end of the exercise today, I’ve a chest of drawers surface that acts as my alter:

I feel more focused already.
What could you do if you redefined your personality?  Where would your focus be? What language do you use that holds you back?

How could you alter your perception to become more able?

Is your home a sanctuary?

In Light,
Rose

Lessons from Nature: the Healing Strength of Trees

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, metaphor, nature, WorkingOnStuff

This blog entry covers negative personal issues; so this is a little trigger warning. Due to its nature, though I love comments, I ask that you please be respectful. Thank you.

I believe that all humans experience negativity. I think we all have some experience within our lives that pushes us to our boundaries and makes us feel helpless. Like many people, I’ve experienced something that became a trauma. It was an experience when I was 15 and it happened in a little wooded clearing on the outskirts of the town centre. It’s a trauma I’ve been actively healing for about four years now.

Context

Being back at my parent’s house for the holidays brings back bad memories; though I feel safe in my room; able to open the window and put on some pretty music.

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking to town on autopilot. I’ve walked this way hundreds of times in the past 5 years and I was singing along to my music player rather than watching my step. Somehow, I veered off the path, crossed a duel carriageway [and a pedestrian crossing point] and found myself standing amidst that clearing. I don’t remember how I got there; I don’t remember looking both ways and crossing that road; nor stepping off the path onto the soils of the bank.

When I was 16 and explaining why I have certain issues to my other half; I took him there. It still felt oppressive and I could feel the energy pushing at my skin. It was really unpleasant.

This time, 4 years later, the nearby building has been taken over by a hotel and the little clearings trees have been cut back; letting in slightly more sunlight. The trees have grown so tall and the air is light and fresh. It reminded me of re-birth.

A place remembers; but it also heals.

Healing

Those trees couldn’t sit and visualise the memory fading the black and white or consciously choose to use mantras when they remember.  As me (perhaps related to my Virgo, psychologist and control-freak sides), I analyse everything. Over and over again I relive how I feel I *should* have handled the situation; how I would deal with any experience like that if it were to happen again and what I’d do if I saw that person again.

And this week, I realised that I re-live these imaginings because I need to feel that I’m strong enough to face them.

A New Strength

I spoke about my beliefs of strength last post. Again, due to early lessons, it became an obsession of mine; which is why I avoided picking the word in previous years.

Those trees though, they don’t fret about the past; they focus all that power on growing taller, stronger than before. They breathe in that poisonous carbon dioxide and cleanse the air with each exhalation of oxygen. They purify and cleanse that space, bringing the sacred into the present and future; because the present is what matters. To dwell on that constricted breath, is to keep the young shoots around them within that space.

Given the choice of dwelling and keeping that clearing dark and uncomfortable; or clearing out the pain, rejuvenating the soil and letting the sun shine it’s light upon their leaves so that they may grow and be strong; they choose strength.

This year, I decided that I too, would choose strength.
And perhaps that begins with cleansing the air around me, breathing in positive thoughts and letting that old memory lay to rest.

It’ll remind me of its presence sometimes. And I can breathe in the clean air of my thoughts and send it fierce compassion.

I can grow in my strength like a tree, in my defiance as a wolf.
I can heal in the face of remembrance.

In light,
Rose

Month IV – the 3/2/1 update

Tags

3/2/1

So, we’re half-way through April. Time for my check-in. Been writing a lot of articles and found a new word to focus on.

iii/ii/i

Meditation; spirit/strength of mind
So far, I’ve been doing Reiki four times a week. My yoga practise is picking up and I went for a walk to the lake last week. I even spent half an hour with my feet in the lake and did some watercolour sketches. I’ve also had my window open a lot in the evenings to keep the air in my bedroom flowing.

Diet: energy/vitality
I’ve switched to waking by 9:30am due to a few nights of zero sleep. However, breakfast is still healthy and reaching my 5-a-day is still happening. Beginning my minimization of junk food this week. I’ve also been taking my iron tablet daily.

Exercise; physical strength
I’m clearing my clutter throughout the next couple of weeks, getting closer and closer to my ideal now. A couple of evenings this week; I also got in some press-ups and stretches before I went to bed. The current plan for this week:

–          Shivanata practise

–          Yoga on both the Wii fit; and alone

–          Weight exercises

–          Stretches

–          Physiotherapy exercises

–          Weekly walks

Strengthening aspect for Month IV
At the beginning of April, I chose the word “release”. Considering all the junk I’ve let go of in my minimalist pursuit; this has been subconsciously guiding me [despite forgetting about this aspect]. Throughout this month, I’ve also been making a lot of connections about my own habits and negative routines. I’m now balancing this release of the old with a building of the new. Thus, I’m integrating this word with Formulate as I make the plans to balance out the loss and negativity. I’ve also had some ideas of May’s word, but I’ll leave that until next month.

In light,
Rose

Strength: Fear and the Goddess in Harmony

Tags

enchantress, Insights, LiteratureLessons, paganism, reflection, WorkingOnStuff

In March I was reminded of Deity when each member at our moot explained how they connect with the Gods and last week I was reminded of this Goddess. I figured she’d like me to share this.

In March, I brought up my intention to redefine my roots from my early pagan studies. I spoke about my early introduction to Norse Deity and Native American spirituality. However, I’ve neglected even remembering who my first deity was. I barely work with specific pantheons anymore; but I had some interesting results with one. So interesting I was terrified; and ran for the hills.

Last week, the online reading group I’m a member of chose a fiction book that focuses on this goddess. I don’t have the book, so looked up its plot online. And saw her name.

The Fear

I was thirteen when I first found Paganism; when I first began to explore this world of so much I’d missed in seeing through mundane lenses. And I chose a deity who represented something I feared (and still fear, to some degree). I chose her because she wasn’t afraid of it. And I wanted that freedom.

Since then, I’ve experienced new traumas that have put this fear in some perspective. I’ve also analysed my past [being a psychology student and a Virgo, I guess] and found the other connotations of this fear’s birth.

I’d been through experiences that made me afraid of this; and I wasn’t able to face it from that environment. I was unsafe there. I had no foundation on which to stand. Yet, I wanted to find strength.

The Search for a Warrior

When I ran from her, she didn’t follow. She slipped away into the waters and let me be. I was still afraid and threw myself into new deities: Strong deities with honour; who fought battles but didn’t necessarily fight their fears.

I fell into the tales of Scathach; the Goddess who trained male warriors on a Isle in Scotland – generally considered the Isle of Skye – for only a female could train males and vice versa. As my obsession shifted, I flew from this fighting female form to Artemis; a huntress with a skill of fighting, but poised in purity and healing too. Her abilities were used to help vulnerable women, and I felt like she’d see the vulnerability in me, and give me the help I sought.

Although I still call upon Scathach and Artemis when I need a hand, I most often commune with the She-wolf. She is not a deity of paganism that I know; she is merely a wolven mother who I turned too one night; and amidst my siblings cubs, I began to fall asleep in her arms.

Though sleep was hard for me [and if you read my twitter or posts often, you’ll know I’m still an insomniac] for a couple of reasons, I’ve replaced my early fear with new ones. I could sleep in my mothers arms; wriggled up next to the other cubs who were my siblings-but-not; safe in my own imagination.

She was not a warrior; but possessed that defiant strength and stood over us wriggling bundles as a fiercely compassionate entity. She was my wolf-mother. And she gave me safety.

Reflection & an Instinct

I rarely call upon my she-wolf these days; though I meditate and meet a male wolf in my path-working. Of all the deities I journeyed with, she is the most prominent within my life and I don’t think I’d ever feel happy to say goodbye and move to new ground. I am her human cub and she is a part of the pack. She is part of each moment I experience, the highest art form, and she recognises my pain as I recognise her strength and warmth.

Scathach and Artemis feature in my own goddess chant; which I often invoke when walking alone in the evenings. If I need a sense of trust and safety, I call upon them to dispel the night’s frightful edge; while admiring its mystery.

Goddess of my Fear

I’m less afraid of the dark now; of what such a Goddess can do. And I’m less focused on facing a natural caution.

The night holds more wonders for me now, and as I live beside the sea, I have a feeling that she’ll slip back onto the beach and together, we will look into the stars.

Nyx and I; the night and the fear will meet beside the ocean; in harmony.

In light,

Rose

Trust: a step-by-step shift in habits

Tags

breaking habits&labels, druidry, enchantress, Insights, LiteratureLessons, meditation, shivanata, WorkingOnStuff

On Sunday, I posted an entry about support. On the train home from my other half’s place, I was reading my book; and came across this passage:

“Slowly but surely, her energy had filled the grove. It was a poignant rite. It was not about finding a profound and brilliant power, but about finding a centre point and, opening in trust, claiming one’s own space. For that woman, as for so many, its pivot was on trust, perfect trust, out of which emerges a genuine empowerment.”

– Spirits of the Sacred Grove: the World of a Druid Priestess; page 57, by Emma Restall-Orr.

And during my Shivanata practise on Sunday night, I realised that I find trust difficult.

Body Language

I know this isn’t a unique issue; so many people grow up in untrustworthy situations or experience them later in life. However, I’ve found that I cannot trust my own body.

I want to be trusting, but it’s not something I know how to learn. How does one learn how to trust?

I was once in hospital with breathing difficulties. Even after I was discharged after 3 days as an inpatient; I was on the drugs to support my throat and tonsils for 10 months. I took over 15 different drugs during that time and had a few psychotic experiences.  I also experience panic attacks.

I’ve learnt through consistent negative exposure not to trust my body to breathe for me.

 

Solution Searching

The Buddhist breathing meditations are my starting point. However, I find them very uncomfortable to endure. Thus, I’ve moved onto moving yoga like Shivanata, exercise & Reiki healing focused on my throat, heart and solar plexus chakras.

I open my window most evenings to keep the flow of air in my room fresh; I’m experimenting with holding my breath for 20-30 seconds at a time and I’ve re-started my meditations which slow my heart-rate.

The solution to ingrained lessons?

– Desensitise yourself via experimental experiencing within in safe environments.

– Be kind to yourself. Take it slowly and give yourself recovery time/days off.

– Notice when the old habits cling.  Just notice at first.

– If you’re like analogies and scientific basis, I explain the basic science of habits in my Shivanata post.

– Write. Document everything; the whole journey is a process that will likely take at least 75% of the time to unlearn as it did to learn. I’ve been having breathing problems since 2006. I’m not expecting measurable results before 2016. It’s possible that I’ll see them before then; but there aren’t quick-fixes to life-long habits. Only slow shifts.

– Shake things up! Shivanata is a good one; but doing anything that alters your behaviour. If you panic and immediately think of… a dark room, or automatically stop walking/curl up on your chair or something – change it! Lie down with your head elevated on a cushion.  Hold your breath for 3 seconds.  Blow out all your breath really fast. Breathe in really deep. Jump on the spot! Do anything that breaks the ingrained routine. Think of a brick wall and begin to count the bricks. Imagine a bookcase in your mind and mentally change the colours of each book’s spine.

– Have faith and patience.

– Reward small steps; review how things could have been better.

Quietude

And take three long breaths. Look at a waterfall [find a picture of google or something]. Find the stillness and sit with it. The trust will be there, quietly sitting within your centre. Let her know that you’ll find her. She’s in safe hands with you.

 

It’s a gorgeous evening here. I’ve my window open, a cup of tea cooling and the soft sound of lilting Irish instrumental music sifting through my speakers under the chirping birdsong. Find the peace and make a small plan of the tiny steps that’ll shift your patterns and bring about new habits.

In light,
Rose