On Sunday, I posted an entry about support. On the train home from my other half’s place, I was reading my book; and came across this passage:
“Slowly but surely, her energy had filled the grove. It was a poignant rite. It was not about finding a profound and brilliant power, but about finding a centre point and, opening in trust, claiming one’s own space. For that woman, as for so many, its pivot was on trust, perfect trust, out of which emerges a genuine empowerment.”
– Spirits of the Sacred Grove: the World of a Druid Priestess; page 57, by Emma Restall-Orr.
And during my Shivanata practise on Sunday night, I realised that I find trust difficult.
I know this isn’t a unique issue; so many people grow up in untrustworthy situations or experience them later in life. However, I’ve found that I cannot trust my own body.
I want to be trusting, but it’s not something I know how to learn. How does one learn how to trust?
I was once in hospital with breathing difficulties. Even after I was discharged after 3 days as an inpatient; I was on the drugs to support my throat and tonsils for 10 months. I took over 15 different drugs during that time and had a few psychotic experiences. I also experience panic attacks.
I’ve learnt through consistent negative exposure not to trust my body to breathe for me.
The Buddhist breathing meditations are my starting point. However, I find them very uncomfortable to endure. Thus, I’ve moved onto moving yoga like Shivanata, exercise & Reiki healing focused on my throat, heart and solar plexus chakras.
I open my window most evenings to keep the flow of air in my room fresh; I’m experimenting with holding my breath for 20-30 seconds at a time and I’ve re-started my meditations which slow my heart-rate.
The solution to ingrained lessons?
– Desensitise yourself via experimental experiencing within in safe environments.
– Be kind to yourself. Take it slowly and give yourself recovery time/days off.
– Notice when the old habits cling. Just notice at first.
– If you’re like analogies and scientific basis, I explain the basic science of habits in my Shivanata post.
– Write. Document everything; the whole journey is a process that will likely take at least 75% of the time to unlearn as it did to learn. I’ve been having breathing problems since 2006. I’m not expecting measurable results before 2016. It’s possible that I’ll see them before then; but there aren’t quick-fixes to life-long habits. Only slow shifts.
– Shake things up! Shivanata is a good one; but doing anything that alters your behaviour. If you panic and immediately think of… a dark room, or automatically stop walking/curl up on your chair or something – change it! Lie down with your head elevated on a cushion. Hold your breath for 3 seconds. Blow out all your breath really fast. Breathe in really deep. Jump on the spot! Do anything that breaks the ingrained routine. Think of a brick wall and begin to count the bricks. Imagine a bookcase in your mind and mentally change the colours of each book’s spine.
– Have faith and patience.
– Reward small steps; review how things could have been better.
And take three long breaths. Look at a waterfall [find a picture of google or something]. Find the stillness and sit with it. The trust will be there, quietly sitting within your centre. Let her know that you’ll find her. She’s in safe hands with you.
It’s a gorgeous evening here. I’ve my window open, a cup of tea cooling and the soft sound of lilting Irish instrumental music sifting through my speakers under the chirping birdsong. Find the peace and make a small plan of the tiny steps that’ll shift your patterns and bring about new habits.