In March I was reminded of Deity when each member at our moot explained how they connect with the Gods and last week I was reminded of this Goddess. I figured she’d like me to share this.
In March, I brought up my intention to redefine my roots from my early pagan studies. I spoke about my early introduction to Norse Deity and Native American spirituality. However, I’ve neglected even remembering who my first deity was. I barely work with specific pantheons anymore; but I had some interesting results with one. So interesting I was terrified; and ran for the hills.
Last week, the online reading group I’m a member of chose a fiction book that focuses on this goddess. I don’t have the book, so looked up its plot online. And saw her name.
I was thirteen when I first found Paganism; when I first began to explore this world of so much I’d missed in seeing through mundane lenses. And I chose a deity who represented something I feared (and still fear, to some degree). I chose her because she wasn’t afraid of it. And I wanted that freedom.
Since then, I’ve experienced new traumas that have put this fear in some perspective. I’ve also analysed my past [being a psychology student and a Virgo, I guess] and found the other connotations of this fear’s birth.
I’d been through experiences that made me afraid of this; and I wasn’t able to face it from that environment. I was unsafe there. I had no foundation on which to stand. Yet, I wanted to find strength.
The Search for a Warrior
When I ran from her, she didn’t follow. She slipped away into the waters and let me be. I was still afraid and threw myself into new deities: Strong deities with honour; who fought battles but didn’t necessarily fight their fears.
I fell into the tales of Scathach; the Goddess who trained male warriors on a Isle in Scotland – generally considered the Isle of Skye – for only a female could train males and vice versa. As my obsession shifted, I flew from this fighting female form to Artemis; a huntress with a skill of fighting, but poised in purity and healing too. Her abilities were used to help vulnerable women, and I felt like she’d see the vulnerability in me, and give me the help I sought.
Although I still call upon Scathach and Artemis when I need a hand, I most often commune with the She-wolf. She is not a deity of paganism that I know; she is merely a wolven mother who I turned too one night; and amidst my siblings cubs, I began to fall asleep in her arms.
Though sleep was hard for me [and if you read my twitter or posts often, you’ll know I’m still an insomniac] for a couple of reasons, I’ve replaced my early fear with new ones. I could sleep in my mothers arms; wriggled up next to the other cubs who were my siblings-but-not; safe in my own imagination.
She was not a warrior; but possessed that defiant strength and stood over us wriggling bundles as a fiercely compassionate entity. She was my wolf-mother. And she gave me safety.
Reflection & an Instinct
I rarely call upon my she-wolf these days; though I meditate and meet a male wolf in my path-working. Of all the deities I journeyed with, she is the most prominent within my life and I don’t think I’d ever feel happy to say goodbye and move to new ground. I am her human cub and she is a part of the pack. She is part of each moment I experience, the highest art form, and she recognises my pain as I recognise her strength and warmth.
Scathach and Artemis feature in my own goddess chant; which I often invoke when walking alone in the evenings. If I need a sense of trust and safety, I call upon them to dispel the night’s frightful edge; while admiring its mystery.
Goddess of my Fear
I’m less afraid of the dark now; of what such a Goddess can do. And I’m less focused on facing a natural caution.
The night holds more wonders for me now, and as I live beside the sea, I have a feeling that she’ll slip back onto the beach and together, we will look into the stars.
Nyx and I; the night and the fear will meet beside the ocean; in harmony.