This blog entry covers negative personal issues; so this is a little trigger warning. Due to its nature, though I love comments, I ask that you please be respectful. Thank you.
I believe that all humans experience negativity. I think we all have some experience within our lives that pushes us to our boundaries and makes us feel helpless. Like many people, I’ve experienced something that became a trauma. It was an experience when I was 15 and it happened in a little wooded clearing on the outskirts of the town centre. It’s a trauma I’ve been actively healing for about four years now.
Being back at my parent’s house for the holidays brings back bad memories; though I feel safe in my room; able to open the window and put on some pretty music.
A couple of weeks ago, I was walking to town on autopilot. I’ve walked this way hundreds of times in the past 5 years and I was singing along to my music player rather than watching my step. Somehow, I veered off the path, crossed a duel carriageway [and a pedestrian crossing point] and found myself standing amidst that clearing. I don’t remember how I got there; I don’t remember looking both ways and crossing that road; nor stepping off the path onto the soils of the bank.
When I was 16 and explaining why I have certain issues to my other half; I took him there. It still felt oppressive and I could feel the energy pushing at my skin. It was really unpleasant.
This time, 4 years later, the nearby building has been taken over by a hotel and the little clearings trees have been cut back; letting in slightly more sunlight. The trees have grown so tall and the air is light and fresh. It reminded me of re-birth.
A place remembers; but it also heals.
Those trees couldn’t sit and visualise the memory fading the black and white or consciously choose to use mantras when they remember. As me (perhaps related to my Virgo, psychologist and control-freak sides), I analyse everything. Over and over again I relive how I feel I *should* have handled the situation; how I would deal with any experience like that if it were to happen again and what I’d do if I saw that person again.
And this week, I realised that I re-live these imaginings because I need to feel that I’m strong enough to face them.
A New Strength
I spoke about my beliefs of strength last post. Again, due to early lessons, it became an obsession of mine; which is why I avoided picking the word in previous years.
Those trees though, they don’t fret about the past; they focus all that power on growing taller, stronger than before. They breathe in that poisonous carbon dioxide and cleanse the air with each exhalation of oxygen. They purify and cleanse that space, bringing the sacred into the present and future; because the present is what matters. To dwell on that constricted breath, is to keep the young shoots around them within that space.
Given the choice of dwelling and keeping that clearing dark and uncomfortable; or clearing out the pain, rejuvenating the soil and letting the sun shine it’s light upon their leaves so that they may grow and be strong; they choose strength.
This year, I decided that I too, would choose strength.
And perhaps that begins with cleansing the air around me, breathing in positive thoughts and letting that old memory lay to rest.
It’ll remind me of its presence sometimes. And I can breathe in the clean air of my thoughts and send it fierce compassion.
I can grow in my strength like a tree, in my defiance as a wolf.
I can heal in the face of remembrance.