Month VI – ½-way through 3/2/1

Tags

3/2/1, blazing-crusade

It’s June! Huzzah!    Ish.  Okay it’s May. Shush you. It’s almost June! Huzzah!

We’re at the half-way point in the year, and we’ve kind of added a iv’th aspect to the mix: frugality update!

In five days I officially finish my undergraduate degree and enter the realm of “i-have-overstretched-myself” in all the activities I’ve said I can accomplish. We’ll have to see how it goes. So, the plans for this month!

iv/iii/ii/i

Meditation; spirit/strength of mind
I’ll be missing a lot of Meditation sessions this term, so I’m really focusing on how I can keep this up in my life. I intend to get back into energy work a little and re-start my yoga practise.

Diet: energy/vitality
I’ve been waking at 8:30 again but for the exams, I’m back to my 7:30 ideal. I’ve begun taking Echinacea for the exam period and despite having chocolate in my cereal, I’m hitting my 5-a-day and eating a lot of fruit. The main problem with my diet is forgetting to take my iron tablet.

Exercise; physical strength
I’ve been teaching Shivanata, which I’ve discovered is exhausting. Now that exams are here, I’m exercising more in my room via dance and press-ups, but need to get out of the house more. I walked home from University last week, but it’s a rarity. I’m hoping to keep up my Shivanata practise, increase my Yoga & Dance; despite missing my weekly classes, and perhaps tackle my Stretches & Physiotherapy exercises again. I’m going rock-climbing two days this month though, which should add to mix.

Finance: frugal-fifteen
As my frugal-15 plan mentioned; I’ve got a place on a MSc course for a year. And it’ll cost me around £10,500 all-in-all. Thus; as of this term when my frugal-15 plan is in action, I’ll be updating you on my monetary journey as well. This is my third-way-through update, at 5 out of 15 weeks.  I decided to avoid shopping between 7^th May and 21^st – a two-week gap; where I spent £23 of the 40 allowance. So here’s the breakdown:

Five-week allowance:  £561

• Food £100  (20 a week)
• Social £65 (13 a week)
• Rent £321 (81 a week/paid monthly)
• Bills £50 (10 a week)
• Extra/Emergency/Fun £25 (5 a week)

Final Totals for Week Five:
– earned: £172.06!!!! [teaching, work, studies, sold items]

• Amazing since I only earned £91.07 in the whole 10-weeks of last term.. in half the time, I’ve earned nearly 200% of that. Huzzah!

– spent: £602.98/561 [5 weeks food, outings & months rent]

• Food = £102.33/£100
• Rent = £321 [paid monthly]
• Bills = £49.43/£50 [gas + elec]
• Social = £45.30/£65 [£2 moot, £10 druid meet, £15 bellydance, whiskey, travel to funeral]
• Sub-total: £518.06 /561
• Extras = £85/£25   –    £39.59 books, £25 ticket to graduation, £20 firestarter sessions

Not doing too badly.. I’m under budget; despite having to pay for train to a funeral and buy my other half a £25 ticket to my graduation. I’m not fully counting the £20 on whiskey after giving in my dissertation thesis; £20 investment into my business and £40 on books to celebrate as they’re one offs (though they obviously come out of my final total) and not a reflection of my general spending habits.

I allow social + extras to come out of my income: leaving a total income profit of £88.55 and my overall spenditure is thus: a loss of £ 602.98 – 172.06 = loss of £430.92, which comes well under my budget of £561.  The next 5-weeks run from 30^th May to 3^rd July.

Strengthening aspect for Month VI
During May, I followed the words “emblazon” and “re-definition”. For June, I’m going to need my metamorphosing butterfly talents of an actress; so that’s my theme for June: malleability. The ability to re-shape things and become who I need to for that activity/time.

What will guide you this month?

In light,
Rose

Redefinition: Meeting Fear as a Worker

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, dancing-with-limitation, potential

Some of you may remember, I got a casual job back in November; working my first shift in February. I was terrified of speaking in public, being in crowds and I hate meeting new people [especially young people]. I take school groups around campus, at the head of a crowd; judgemental teenagers I’ve never met.. and talk to them.

 

The Request

In May, I saw an email begging for help – one of the other workers had cancelled and the spot needed to be filled for 2 days time. And I noticed some language in the email request for a worker.

“You must be confident at leading campus tours and looking after year 10s”

Every email says this. I’d worked once before. I had to lie to myself to do the job. But if I didn’t, I’d NEVER do the job.

If I am NOT confident at giving campus tours [i.e. my first ever time], I will never reply saying “I can do this”. Therefore, I will NEVER GET confident, about giving campus tours.

Through changing my self-defining language “I’m not confident, I can’t do that, I’ve never done that”; I became ABLE to do it. “I’ll do it” was perceived as “I meet this criteria, I am confident”.

And through that, I did the job and became much more confident by the end of the shift.

 

The Definition

To be fair, I lied when I applied for the job, I lied in the interview/training day and therefore had no qualms lying about my confidence.

The job description said words to the effect of: “must enjoy meeting people, happy speaking to crowds/in public, knowledge of the campus, able to answer questions, have social skills & be flexible.”

I didn’t fit ANY of it, with my self-definition of that time.

But I realised that the only way I’d learn to speak in crowds, was to do it and not have it end badly. The only way to tolerate crowds; was to be in them and find the enjoyment.

I re-defined myself through a moment of fear.

 

The Pivot

“I hate all these things. I’m afraid of all these things. I will always be afraid of them, if I never meet with them.”

(because facing fears is scary and so I meet with mine instead)

And a little voice in my mind broke out:

“What if I could do these things?”

“Let’s say I can. Let’s re-define this fear process. I am able. I am made of the same energy every other being is. I know so many people who have pushed their boundaries and therefore, expanded them.

And I want that.”

I don’t want to be defined by my fear.

 

So the Re-definition occurred and now I’ve done two shifts; and I’m signed up to work five dates this month alone.  And through the knowledge that I am doing this; that I am so much more confident at speaking in public.

Hell, I spoke at a conference with 2,900 social care professionals in it two weeks ago.

I also used this fear to teach Shivanata; fear of meeting new people, being judged, speaking and demonstrating in a class. Yet now I love it. I’ve loved each session and felt so content with how I’m sharing these wonderful tools with others.

So I want to ask you; what fear is holding you back?  How could you re-define it and find the adventure or challenge?

In Light,
Rose.

Conversations: Systems and Honour [really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear]

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, kitten, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, processing, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

This is a really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear; covering many vulnerabilities and odd thoughts. Uncensored. 

Warning: incredibly long post with a hell of a lot of vulnerabilities and code-names in use. Please be incredibly careful in any comments to double-check your meaning and how you express yourself; this is a major aspect of my insecurities and I’m posting them here in the hope that others can use these tools to help themselves.  

Nearly every link is to The Fluent Self, which is a truly wonderful blog full of amazingly helpful tools.

The Shoe

Exams are looming, the house is getting tense – three of us with exams, one finishing her Masters portfolio… tension is running high and that sense of urgency is tugging at my every move.

This is not a good time to be reminded of how little people respect other people’s time and space.

Literary Confusion

I remember a day when “in a minute” meant.. “in the next minute or two”.

Or do i?

Has any parent said “just a minute” and then taken a minute? Has anyone ever said just a minute, meant it AND followed through with a concrete action to match their promise?

Or is everyone guilty of this lie; this deception.  Actions speak louder than words and I’m at the end of my tether with this maxim that sociolinguist Grice investigated in 1975. The four maxims of speech which mustn’t be violated: quality, manner, quantity, and relation.

I wrote about this in my dissertation, and although not many people know about them academically; if you ask someone a question, you expect honesty.

Maybe it’s just me – if you ask for the time and I lied; it would probably annoy you a bit. If I said the price of something was low and it was high; you’d probably wish I hadn’t lied.

Why is the maxim of honesty so important in some aspects of life – work or the law, yet not in relations with friends and family?

The Minute

If you were one minute late to work, even if you were a minute late A LOT of the time; I think you’d be let off.

To say you’d be somewhere in a minute and still not be there 25 minutes later probably wouldn’t go down so easily. Especially not if it’s your pattern; if you do it a lot.

This is especially upsetting when I’ve been told to wait for a minute – meaning that I believe I can’t start anything long-term because you’ll interrupt my work and since I asked you to come in; I wouldn’t be able to complain. So wasting that 25 minutes waiting; especially when I’ve exams to revise for, class plans to draw up, books to read and so forth upsets me.

Similarly to saying you’ll be somewhere at a time – I head to the meeting place at that time, and then find out you’re still in bed.

My Generation

Is this a disease of the youth of today? How can we be on time for work yet put the people who mean something to us through so much? How can you value your boss’s schedule more than your loved ones?  And why lie about it?

And this is where I notice the hurt, the monsters, and remember to engage in the conversation. I step outside, having waited 25 minutes for no reason. I walk back to the bus stop as my friend is still in bed. I sign offline when she was an hour late at coming online. And the void is there; that space where I can see the hurt, rather than just feel it.

 

I see that fear called kitten, cowering in a feeling of unsafety; and step over to give her some milk.

 

Systems

I look around for the systems; those things in place to keep me feeling safe, wherever I am. A lot of these have arisen from tools mentioned at The Fluent Self; such as the Hello Day exercise, knowledge about Safe Rooms and the V Formation, or general destuckification basics. However, I have my own in place – the knowledge that opening the window, having a dance or taking a moment to centre can resolve the external anger to reveal the pain beneath it.

Calm Me: You look scared and hurt. What are you feeling?

Kitten: Betrayed. Worthless. Obviously not deserving of someone’s time; or their honesty. Humans lie in order to manipulate. I’m confused as to why someone would choose to manipulate someone they’re supposed to consider a friend/family.

Calm Me: What are the causes of these feelings; how do they arise?

Kitten: I’m worth less than whatever took that 25 minutes, that lie-in or that hour of lateness. I’m obviously not worth their time.  There’s a lack of respect – that forgetfulness that I have a life to live; I have to use my time effectively. Time is Precious.

Calm Me: Where could this forgetfulness have come from?

Kitten: They could be engrossed in their work; but then say “not now”. They probably had good intentions, but actions speak louder than words and all three people in these situations do it ALL the time.

Calm Me: All the time? Are you sure love? Can you think of examples?

Kitten: Yes.. although some had good reasons; like the water pipe bursting is a good excuse(*) for being late.  But some of the others don’t seem to have any reason.

Calm Me: What about their own state of mind?

Kitten: Everyone has a responsibility to be aware of their state and to make decisions in accordance with it. If I’m in a bad mood or busy, I say no to intrusions or tiring aspects of activity.

Calm Me: I can see you feel really strongly about this. What can we do to make these behaviours less like thrown shoes?

Kitten: Never trust people again. They’re all liars and mindless – never taking a moment to see how they are, to consider what they’ve just given their word to do or taking into consideration the reasons people have asked for their help at this moment.

Calm me: Ooookay… I can see you’re in a space of “all about them”. Let’s take a step back and focus it back on us. This is our REACTION to someone else’s Actions. We’re only responsible for our side so how can we put a system in place to change this reaction?

Kitten: …

The Next Steps

Calm Me:  So we’re hurt, betrayed, distrusting, confused and feeling useless/worthless and scared. How could we, for example, tackle confusion?

Kitten: … Ask them why they did it?

Calm Me: And if they were confused?

Kitten: Be more specific?

Calm Me: Maybe change the wording – “hey, can we do this at X time BECAUSE I need to do y by Z time”?

Kitten: Or check before leaving the house that they ARE at the space before I go there to meet them?

Calm Me:  That’s it.. And for the other situation?

Kitten: Put a note saying ‘great, but please let me know if you’ll be late as I need to use my time effectively?’

 This sounds like a lot of work.

Calm Me: It does. How can we make this less work?

Kitten: Just have shitty expectations?

Calm Me: … … …

Kitten: -sigh- I don’t know. I still vote for never trusting people again. It’s so much easier.

Calm Me:  Do you really want to cling to all that negativity and have it brought up every time you ask someone to do something with you?

Kitten: We could stop asking people. Just ignore them all.

Calm Me: We’re not making progress here… -looks around for a new system tool; hoping to find a negotiator–

Enter the Negotiator

Calm Me: Wow, you look a lot like a kit-kat doing Shivanata. Oooh.. I see. Shivanata. Unravelling the patterns of hurt and stuckness.

Negotiator: -nods-  I see a lot of statements up there ^. Are they true? What is true?

Calm Me: Kitten? When we were reading last night, what did we see?

Kitten:      “We often hear people say: This world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless too. I humbly disagree with this contention.  This world is what we have made of it. If it is ruthless today it is because we have made it ruthless by our attitudes” – Arun Gandhi, NVC, 2003.

Negotiator: So… what is true? What’s also true?

Kitten: These are old feelings.

Calm Me: And where are they from?

Kitten: The past. It’s different now?

Negotiator: How?

Kitten: I’m in a safe place. I have a lock on my door.  Now is not Then.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: I’m not defined by that feeling of worthlessness anymore. It’s no longer insinuated that I am in fact a disappointing excuse for a human.

Negotiator: Indeed. You’re surrounded by compassionate people who love you, and you know that you bring a huge amount of worth to their lives. Everyone automatically has a minimum worth, in my book. 

Kitten: …

Negotiator: You always had worth. Deal with it. Now what else is true?

Calm Me: I live with nice people? Safe people.

Kitten: …who won’t hit us or call us names or tell us how stupid [or worthless] we are.

Negotiator: That’s true. What else is true?

Kitten: We’re able to think for ourselves. Freedom of speech. Except not.

Calm Me: Still limited, but not completely shot down for having alternate views..

We have the tools! We find the tools.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: We have the tools to deal with this.

Negotiator: That’s a good truth.

Calm Me: I like that one.

Negotiator: Me too. So which tools?

Kitten: I don’t want to say; else it may take away the power.

Negotiator: Okay, let’s use code names.

Calm Me: SILENT RETREAT!  -runs away-

Kitten: -giggles-

Negotiator: -smiles- haha, yeah. And?

Kitten: Books. Worlds of imagination to dive into and those special manuals.

Calm Me: and mindfulness- meditation or reiki.

Negotiator: and…

Excited Me: and Shivanata!

Negotiator: Huzzah!

Kitten: W00t w00t, dat is da sound of da pol-ice!!! W00p!

-all giggle-

Negotiator: Great. So how can we set these up to best support us?

Kitten: Metaphor Mouse? And.. plans. Treasure Maps and Finding Clews! -runs off to grab colouring pens-

– – – * * * – – –

So, Calm-now-Excited-Me and Kitten are off to make a new system:

The Lighthouse system of Emblazing Penguin. Or something.

Reflection Point-

What systems could you use? What’s true? What statements of untruth dictate your life? Do you keep your word?

In Light,
Rose.

(*) Here, excuse is used as it originially meant “a reason to be excused” – it is NOT derogatory or negative, but neutral until placed in context. Here, it’s positive – it’s a valid reason thus a positive excuse.

May: the third quarter review

Tags

blazing-crusade, plans, SlinkySummer

A half way through the second half the month.. and it’s been a hell of a couple of weeks.

The Busy-ness [business?]

It’s nearing the end of May, nearing the end of my undergraduate degree. I’ve got a temporary summer job [on top of my casual one], given a speech at a conference attended by over 2,900 social care professionals, and finished all my coursework.

I’m half-way through Prozac Nation, I’ve revised 4/40 lectures fully and I’ve got onto three training courses to use up my spare time in June. I’m also rock-climbing and volunteering at the Right Here Showcase, attending youth panel meetings, steering groups, teaching shivanata and running my two societies.

In fact, between the 6^th June and 1^st August, I have… nine days where I’m not doing something that involves leaving the house… Which could be interesting when I need to re-write my 91,000 word Novel by June 30^th.

The Emotional Mix

It’s odd to be around these people who’ve been my colleagues this past 3 years, and not be planning a future with them. A small part of me chose to do a Masters out of fear of the next step [though a larger part for the practicality, the love of Brighton, the will to stay with my housemates, my love of learning and the massive opportunities for jobs and experience here..] and it means I don’t have to plan my life as my co-workers do.

The emotional aspect of it is interesting, to say the least; the half-feeling of finishing, the relaxation of dissertation given in and the panic of looming exams. I can barely imagine how I’ll feel once my final exam is over – the expanse of three whole months without having to think about psychology or neuroscience.

The Plans

I’ve signed up to those activities to keep my self busy, improve my CV, keep myself sane, feel that I’m making a difference, and earn some money. I think that’s a healthy set of goals for the Summer Holiday of a graduating student.

– I’m rock-climbing twice to meet new people

– I’ve got 25 days of paid work – 5 half-days, 20 full-time summer job

– I’m helping at a course for 6 sessions [over 7 weeks]

– With Right Here, I’m doing a workshop at the showcase + attending meetings with steering panel, national panel, a campaigns strategy meeting and brighton’s youth panel.

– I’m taking courses in Safeguarding Adults, Child Protection, and Suicide Prevention [2day] to improve my capability, confidence & CV

– I’m still running the meditation society

– I’m seeing family on a couple of Saturdays

– My graduation ceremony

– Volunteering at Buddhafield 2011 for 8 days

– Druid festivals [x2]

– Teaching Shivanata

    (speaking of which, my guest post is up at shivanata.com; please take a peek)

And I can tell you that out of 56 days, that takes up 46 days.. And I need to have a finished draft of my novel by June 30^th. In fact adding that up makes 53 days worth of activity; but some of those are on the same day.

The Catch

As excited as I am about those plans, there’s two things in the way of them.

My final exams next week. So I shall bid you adieu and get back to revision.

In light,
Rose

Month V: half-way point of 3/2/1

Tags

3/2/1

It’s May 15th! Dissertation is in! Essay is in! Exams are a week and a bit away! I’m going to a funeral =( but get to see my beloved after =). The Pagan pub moot is Wednesday! I’m reading a novel!  Right.. onto the 3/2/1 challenge!

Meditation; spirit/strength of mind
Meditation is back; my once-a-week minimum is back. I’ve done a tiny bit of energy work too. I went to a Reiki share and got Reiki from a stranger; gave it to my friend. Yoga did get put on hold but that’s back too =)

Plan for the final two weeks: more Reiki, regular Yoga, more dance & shivanata lessons and at least the once-a-week-meditation.

Diet: energy/vitality
In week 1 I woke at 6:45am most mornings. I’ve brought it back to 7:30am now; my ideal time. On the 6^th I officially began the plan of using up my cupboard food from my frugal-15 plan. Have been having some nice meals and drinks with the housemates; though this means I drank more than I would have. We all went for a drink last night, Emma and I made dinner together while doing a crossword. Aiyana and I had lunch next to the patio doors. Good connections, good food and brilliant company. Breakfast is healthy, I’m reaching my 5-a-day; but I’ve forgotten my iron a few times this week. I’ve not had chocolate for.. a week? Maybe longer. Should have kept track of it really.

Plan for the month: Iron tablet daily. Buy some oatcakes and raisins instead.

Exercise; physical strength
I’m exercising daily; even if that’s just 20 reps of free weight training or ten push-ups. Been to two yoga & bellydance classes too. That will halt as I’m volunteering on Thursdays for a couple of weeks; but I also taught TWO sessions of shivanata this week. I’m keeping that up at least. Aiyana and I also did some bellydance practise last night.

Plan for the month: Increased Shivanata practise, Yoga & Bellydance sessions, Stretches & Physiotherapy exercises; which I’ve stopped again.

Finance: frugal-fifteen
As my frugal-15 plan mentioned; I’ve got a place on a MSc course for a year. And it’ll cost me around 10,500 all-in-all. Thus; as of this term when my frugal-15 plan is in action, I’ll be updating you on my monetary journey as well. I’ll do a full overview after 5-weeks; but currently I’ve gone over my food allowance by £17; but have been living on cupboard staples for a week now without a problem; hoping to get a second week out of what’s left.

Strengthening aspect for Month V
At the beginning of May, I chose “emblazon” to guide me; which has sparked my recent series on re-definition.

What will guide you this month?

In light,
Rose

Books: Revisited

Tags

LiteratureLessons, SlinkySummer

So two days ago I wrote about how all my books were heavy-going and my lost passion for reading. I then proceeded to my amazon.co.uk basket… I typed in some of my favourite authors [the most influential from my teens] and I bought 9 books.

“No possession can surpass, or even equal, a good library to the lover of books.” — J. A. Langford

Six novels:

–          Dusk [Kenneth Oppel]

• Prequel to my favourite trilogy

–          Fire-Bringer [David Clement-Davies]

• He wrote a duet/sequel that became my bible

–          Wolf Girl [Theresa Tomlinson]

• Another duet taught me values about family, strength, love, resilience etc.

–          Promise of the Wolves [Dorothy Hearst]

• It was has “wolves” in the title =P

–          The Last Samurai [Helen Dewitt]

• Sounded interesting

–          Fight Club [Chuck Palahniuk]

• Love the movie for its values

And three non-fiction:

–          Life After College [Jenny Blake]

–          Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life [Marshall B. Rosenberg]

–          The One Minute Millionaire: The Enlightened Way to Wealth [Mark Victor Hansen]

As they’ve yet to arrive and my exams are looming; I also got some revision books out of the library, and found some story-type among them:

* Neurostransmitters & Drugs

* The Biology of Anxiety

* Neuroscience

* The Hands-on Guide to Clinical Pharmacology

* For People who Panic

* The Diving-Bell & the Butterfly

* Committed to the Sane Asylum

* Prozac Nation

So, the three books I’m currently reading are: Prozac Nation, Buddhism: plain and simple & Bushido: the Way of the Samurai.

I’m aiming to finish one of those by Saturday night at the latest. We’ll have to see.

In light,

Rose

Silence: a Passion for Reading

Tags

LiteratureLessons, SlinkySummer

This week, things have calmed and I’m left in the stillness.

And I’ve found a new habit to break; boredom + restlessness.

The Silence

I can’t seem to use my time well, nor waste it satisfyingly.

I have time to read my books, revise for exams, see friends, experiment with cooking and catch up on TV series.. yet I’m spending my days flitting from one thing to another.

It doesn’t help that I’ve no traditional novels to read- I just can’t get into the books I have for long.

My current books include:

–          f    Cloud Atlas [written in the spoken dialect with words I don’t understand]

–          f   Spirits of the Sacred Grove [flits between a dreamscape and real life; hard to get into each bits again]

–          nf   Hooked [novel-writing; each sentence I read I have to make notes on]

–          nf   The Philosophy Gym [a set of mini-stories; no idea which I have/n’t read]

–          f    Women who Run with the Wolves [heavy-going; not relaxing compared to revision]

–          f   The Celestine Vision [been reading it for 2 years-   can’t remember half of it now]

–          f    The Saint, The Surfer and the CEO [somewhat similar to his last book…]

–          nf   How To Practise [been reading it for 4 years-      can’t remember half of it now]

–          nf   Buddhism: plain & simple [got 17 pages left!]

And so I’ve been surfing the online bookstores again; trying to find a novel just to get my feet back into reading. And being me, bought 9 books; 6 fiction, 3 nonfiction.

-sigh-

Don’t let me near the internet =P

“The buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity, and this passion is the only thing that raises us above the beast that perish.” – Alfred Edward Newton

I want to reclaim that passion my mother taught me; that love for the written word. Becoming a University student has all but suffocated the flame of reading for anything other than coursework and exam revision.

And I’m going to reclaim a love of reading by summer.

How do you spend your free time? What are you reading currently?

In light,
Rose

Re-definition through Metaphor

Tags

breaking habits&labels, dancing-with-limitation, metaphor, potential, processing, reflection, WorkingOnStuff

This blog entry covers negative personal issues; so this is a little trigger warning. Due to its nature, though I love comments, I ask that you please be respectful. Thank you.

 

This week (this year?) has been a heavy one. I’m reinventing myself, healing from a past, learning new things, stretching my boundaries and dealing with my insecurities.

I’m embracing my metaphors more than ever.

I am the enchantress

I have a lighthouse.

I am alight & a Light.

I have the power to illuminate, emblazon, and support.

And I am a re-definer; a re-designer. I re-frame and re-connotate. i really need a new name for this.

Redefinition is my gift and my power.

Redefining Labels

In 2005, I was an abuse victim: a vulnerable, suspicious being; alone and unsafe. Although I knew love, it was overshadowed by fear; the attention given and care taken with me was to cover up the evidence.

In 2006, I hit bottom. I’d tried to become social; and had another abusive experience before college began. I became reclusive and didn’t deal with it healthily. I wonder now if it’s possible to deal healthily with something like that.

I dropped those people, enveloped myself in my negative-patterns and eventually hit bottom in a hospital bed on Boxing Day.  And from that point, began to shape my future.

In the last couple of years, I’ve dropped (some of) my labels and gifted myself with new wings. I became a business woman; a scientific psychologist with a love for quantum physics, who is also a nature-loving druid; a novelist and a certified level II Reiki practitioner.

In the last year I’ve got my first job, volunteered with learning disabled adults, joined a youth panel, begun a business, taught meditation and am about to finish an undergraduate degree.

In the next year, I’ll become a Master of Science in Neuroscience; of all the subjects. (scary, much?).

The Metaphor

This week I gave in my dissertation and began revising for exams; a student. At Beltain, I was a druid, as I am most mornings as I light my altar’s incense. In a weeks’ time, I’ll be a Shivanata teacher and from September, a Neuroscientist.

This is me, pushing my boundaries. This is my gift; my power: re-definition and re-design.

I am the actress; putting on her characters outfit [or my suitable-for-work uniform]. I am the enchantress; meeting each day with my medicine pouch of gemstones and the jewellery that defines my style.

Some things, though, are constant.

I still define my life by the wolven values I discovered/invented as a child; still governing my life by how much like a wolf I can be; defiant and graceful in the face of challenge (See the Philosopher and the Wolf by Mark Rowlands, or The Sight by David Clement-Davies).

This is how evolution works and why this year i keep signing up for things I can’t do. And each time the day arrives to carry out my word; I do it. I can. I make myself into someone who can.

No matter how many times I mumble “I can’t do this, I’m not ready, It’s going to go wrong. I can’t”… I do. I CAN.
Re-invention is a gift we can all access.

The Wolf

Today, I am the dancer and I am the dance. I whirl without motion; fighting the ape inside in order to let the inner wolf arise.

“The art of the wolf is grounded in its strength.

When Brenin was around two months old, I took him to rugby practice, as usual. This was during the time that he had taken to tormenting Rugger and Rugger didn’t like him at all. Eventually, Rugger lost his temper, grabbed Brenin by the neck and pinned him to the ground. To his great credit, that’s all Rugger did. He could easily have snapped Brenin’s little neck like a twig. Even a pit bull can pass Kundera’s test. But it is Brenin’s reaction that will always stay with me. Most puppies would have screeched out in shock and fear. Brenin growled. This was not the growl of a puppy, but a deep and calm and sonorous growl that belied his tender age. That is strength. And that is what I’ve always tried to carry around with me, and I hope I always will. As an ape, I will fall short of this; but I have an obligation, a moral obligation, never to forget it and to emulate it as far as I can. If I can only be as strong as a two month old wolf cub, then I am a soil where moral evil will not grow.

An ape would have scurried away to darkly plot his revenge; to work out ways of manufacturing weakness in those who are stronger than him and who have humiliated him. And when that work is complete, then evil can be done. I am an ape through accident of birth. But in my best moments I am a wolf cub snarling out my defiance to a pit bull that has me smashed into the ground. My growl is a recognition that pain is coming, for pain is the nature of life. It is the recognition that I am nothing more than a cub and, at any time, the pit bull of life can snap my neck like a twig. But it is also the will that I won’t back down, no matter what.”

– Mark Rowlands, the Philosopher and the Wolf.

In light,

Rose

The Last Week: A burnt-out review

Tags

novel, processing

I have reached burn-out after finishing my dissertation Tuesday; printing, binding & submitting it Wednesday [most stressful part] and then working a shift on campus Thursday. I was in bed by 7:15pm last night. I’m still feeling a bit exhausted but am attempting to recover without three-days of solid sleep. Thus, blogging should resume some-what as normal.

Today brings a quick post that I took from my friend Sonja over at The Spilled Ink Athenaeum.

She spoke about this exercise from Julia Cameron‘s The Artist’s Way on her blog; where she listed five major activities that occurred this week.

Julia asks: “How much time did you give each one? Which were what you want to do and which were shoulds? How much of your time is spent helping others and ignoring your own desires? Have any of your blocked friend’s triggered doubts in you?”

Here’s my list from last Thursday to yesterday; because today’s my first day off and I’m catching up on the things I should’ve done already:

1. University work [dissertation!]- 30 hours – SHOULD
2. Shivanata/exercise  – 3 hours – WANT + SHOULD
3. Sleep – 40 hours (avg 6-6.5 hrs/night) – SHOULD
4. TV – 10 hours (2 hours/day as couldn’t sleep) – TOO TIRED TO READ
5. Socialising – 17 hours (four half-days with Chucky, Sorcha, Druid ritual & classmates) – WANT

The Break-down
* Work? It’ll be finished in.. 3 weeks. [wow, that’s scary!] I also did a 5 hour shift of paid work.

* Exercise? I love exercise but have had pains from stress/bad diet/etc.  I want to pick it up this weekend with yoga, stretches, free weights, press ups & shivanata.  Maybe even get back into doing some of my old routines.

* Sleep? Really don’t like it but it’s necessary.

* TV? (covers movies, BBC iPlayer and TVD) Seems to help me drift to sleep without ruminating over my mistakes of the year.  I do also get some work done alongside re-runs.

* Socialising? Not my usual thing and I needed a lot of time off too; but starting to like it more. Celebrated Beltain with druids; celebrating dissertation hand in with whiskey. Met up with Chucky for Pirate–related antics.  Watched Practical magic with Sorcha.

–          I’m learning how to interact with people for longer periods of time.

As for helping: I lent my printer to my housemate to print off her dissertation; it went wrong and thus spent a while fixing it/getting it to work. Otherwise, I’ve not helped anyone this week 😛

I did everything that I needed to; but perhaps should have realised my own boundaries. However, i have three days in which to recover before I have to even think about leaving the house. [actually, I do need milk and bread…]

A Goal
I’m deciding today to have at least 30 minutes of pleasure-reading time a day; at least until the week of my exams.

It’s a bit silly but as I’m finding Spirits of the Sacred Grove and Women Who Run with the Wolves quite heavy; I figured I’d begin a fictional book with full characters and the general novel format. However, all I have left at University is Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell. I’ve been warned that it’s a 529 page novel which jumps around between places and has a vast number of characters. Will have to see how I fare considering my exam revision, final essay and current state =).

I’m sure it’ll at least tell me something new about how far my cognitive abilities have fallen; so it’s an adventure of curiosity.
Take care of yourselves.

In light,

Rose

Safe Spaces amidst Anxiety

Tags

blazing-crusade, cottage, enchantress, metaphor

Last week, I had a fabulous call with Gina, where we discussed my fears around being seen. We discussed my emblazing light and my motivation to inspire and guide others.

The Lighthouse

It was through this call that I discovered not just a light; but a spaciousness that comes with it. And it came in the form of a lighthouse. This seemed to reflect every aspect of my current definition – from lighting my room in the dark mornings so that I’ll get out of bed, to my old persona of being a mermaid who loved a sailor (a previous metaphor I used).

Yesterday, I was sitting in my meditation class and I thought about the sunlight that was streaming through the trees and resting on my face. I had warm feet and a warm face; while the rest of my body was in shade from the canopy. And I thought of the lighthouse; the light upon my face and the light upon the doorway.

The Safe Room

In the call with Gina, I discovered that my fear-of-being-seen was sitting on the balcony of the lighthouse; the walkway where the light can be changed.

And I sat next to it; and we watched the ocean together. A moment of stillness settled over us and I felt the peace; the wind drop to a whisper.

And I realised that I have the space.

Havi talks over at the Fluent Self about the Safe Room; and in my head; I’ve pictured this rounded room with sofas and a double bed and walls lined with books… and a cat.

Yet, I can’t access it – it’s just a room and I grew up in a house where I wasn’t safe in ym own room.

I realised that I have a pattern and a fear of rooms; even though I’d made it round to remove it’s scary corners for things to lurk in – I realised I was terrified of the image I created to be my safe room.

This is interesting; because when I first moved into the blog-home I’m in now; I had to return to that house where I never feel safe. And I created the cottage; where Josiane and Elizabeth came round for tea.

And it seems that my new safe room is a balcony overlooking the ocean;’ at the top of a lighthouse.

The New Fears Arise

“You’re afraid of heights.”

Oh., Yes. How can we make this safe, despite its height?

The railings: There are white painted railings; covered in climbing plants and flowering vines.

A net: There’s a little platform under the balcony; so if you fell over the edge; you’d be safe.

The window seat:    (I’ve always wanted a window seat) – it’s a little plinth I can sit on; and rest my arms on the top of the railings. I’m sitting down, the bottom of the rails is solid so I can’t see down – just out. Out and over to the ocean waves.

Any other comments? We can always redecorate it as needed.

-silence-. Anxiety has fallen asleep against the stone wall.

And here we rest in the quiet; awaiting sunset when the lamp will be lit.

In light,

Rose