It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.
This particular post has a lot of personal information, so please be respectful when commenting.
III. Connecting to Compassion
In 2000, I began to experience Depression.
I had “nervous break downs” as someone termed them, though I now know they were “panic attacks”. I disliked my school, where I had come from a normal school (being top of the class) to a private school where I was suddenly lower-middle in each class (and bottom in some!).
I felt unsure of this move, felt useless as a student (if you’re a regular reader, you know I’m obsessed with this scholar idea) and felt unsafe wherever I went. I was a loner; having no actual friends until I was 14, and was bullied by three particular people through those five years.
To add to this, I didn’t live in a safe space either.
The Emotional Relationship
My relationship with negativity began here, with depression and trauma; with PTSD-like symptoms and with crippling nightmares. I learnt to get by without sleep, to cry silently and I spent each break and lunch time in the basement of the old school, writing poetry.
I began to exhibit symptoms of OCD, panic attacks became more regular and teachers began stopping me in the corridors to ask if everything was alright at home.
Even now, I couldn’t tell why the hell I said Yes. I’d not been threatened to not tell anyone, as if no one had suspected I’d tell anyway.
Essentially, though the various experiences from 2000 to 2008, I’ve had a few traumas which have in turn caused PTSD, ED, OCD, anxiety and depression. I ended up in hospital, with a plan to run away once I was out.
I couldn’t see a way out.
As I’ve now attended the same 6-week Anger Management course and will be doing so for another course in February; I’ve discovered systems for dealing with Anger. So much so, that I’d say anger is no longer my biggest emotional issue. However, that means that my Guilt, my Terror/Fear and my Worry are now really paramount in my mind.
So, if I have systems for one, why not for others? I’ve got the books ready and I’m planning to develop my own system for dealing with these issues as best I can.
Again, I’m not fully sure how this will work, but I’m documenting my journey to compassion through over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share.
This is my search for a system of self-compassion; of healing and of calm.
Role of Peacemaker
This is an investigation specifically into Compassion and nonviolence. I like the idea of nonviolence, yet grew up with an aggressive family, and a submissive family; and unfortunately, anger DID work VERY effectively at reaching the goals of the aggressor.
Again, as I find out more about the peacemaker label of the Druids, I’m feeling that pull of heritage and the knowledge that I want my children to understand the power in nonviolence – I have to understand my feelings on the subjects. I’ve begun to have experiences with compassion as a force, and that has inspired a more structured search through the library of this emotional state.
I want to make my own mind up on my values, and to really explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others.
Once more, I’ve books on the subjects, the OBOD Gwersi, and I meditate – this is my journey and I’ll be speaking about it here; with essays of theory, examples of life and possibly theories of structure.
Speaking and Silence
Then, there’s this relationship sharing with my own views, and my feelings. This act of complaining, the “whose had a worse life/essay/volunteering mess-up” challenge and my fear of silence (which leads to me babbling on about myself for no reason).
I want to explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from.
Next time I’ll cover the final aspect of Practise and the aspects of my potential I’m hoping to reach for this year.