As part of my connection theme for this year, I’ve been turning to written material. I’m on the eighth Gwers of my Druid studies, over half-way through Spirits of the Sacred Grove [Emma Restall Orr] and I’m taking Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course.
A couple of weeks ago, I found a new blog and picked up an e-book called Walk Like a God by Drew Jacob.
I had a few revelations, so this is a long post, and may stretch two. They’re a little bit jumpy, but there is a thread (my trail of thoughts) flowing through each section, so I hope it makes some sense. I’ve also had a lot of blocks to posting this openly, but I feel it’s an important journey dialogue.
Connecting the Connections
If you’ve been following my blog for the last two years, you’ll know I have this mild obsession with labels, and have spent a lot of time searching for that “perfect term” for myself; still defining the goal of my life. That dream I’ve always wanted to attain but never even felt I got onto the path of.
On this journey, I have found comfort in the term of enchantress, found joy in the label of priestess, and I’ve valued dance, martial arts, strength-building and writing as the highest values of my life. I can take a label from each of these, yet it’s never covered every part of me.
This week, I’ve been focused on my lack of motivation to wake early and get back into writing (I’m on novel #5 now). Throughout my various reading of the past few weeks, I saw the connection.
Having talked about the success of forming habits being based on motivation, I know that personally, the defining of the end goal is a big block for me in forming a new habit. The more I try, the more I began to ask myself why I’m not living life as I want to. Why can’t I wake early and meditate?
Is it all an issue of definition?
As I shuffle through the memories of this “seeking self”; the search for strength and for quietude have been the greatest and longest lasting. I’ve craved focus as much as I’ve enjoyed being distracted.
In each story, I find that thread of desire for stillness. I find the scholar who wants to understand what others understood, the psychologist who wants to understand people’s volition, the star-gazer who wants to absorb the knowledge of the universe and the reader who wants to feel every emotion of every character invented. Yet within this dream is that underlying sense of quiet spirit. And below that, power.
I sense a deep thrum of power, and I seek it. I am enticed to follow the silent calling.
If I understand why people act as they do, why that works as it does; why atoms form like that – I have knowledge of how everything moves. I’ll be able to understand and maybe to change how those worlds work. Underlying the scholar is the strength-seeking woman who wants to connect with the world. In my mind, I see a stealthy being, cloaked in silence and able to experience things most people miss.
I notice in the shadows of stillness, that’s what I seek. This is the Connection to Practise I spoke of.
A Specific Term Speaks
Last week, I found myself flickering through the various minimal and spiritual posts I’ve found over the past couple of years, and through various links, ended up at Drew Jacob’s blog: Rogue Priest.
I hadn’t read a single blog post before I felt the ripple. The terminology alone hit home for me and the thrum got louder as associations flew into my conscious awareness.
Rogue… off the trodden path, a skilled thief in the ragnarok online game. A shadowy figure who uses stealth and skills. Sometimes wild and untamed yet all about the quietude… Focused and still… unseen yet powerful. Connecting to the land but often without obvious knowledge of it.
Priest… quiet, connected to spirit, focused and calm. “Witchy powers” came to mind, as I began my spiritual path self-defining as a witch. Also shadowy due to the silence, the reverence. All these associations flew forward: those and less relevant ones like my connection between martial arts and monasteries… the discipline and quiet appeal.
This is exactly what I’ve sought. This is a label I could happily follow. Reverence, priesthood, stealth, quiet…
I want the structure and focus yet simplicity of priesthood. I want the freedom, passion and skill of a rogue. I want that thrum, that power, that passion. This is the form of practise I want to connect with.
Head high, cloak draped over my shoulder, I step out of the sunlight and into the shadows: a seeker of stillness.