Word of the Year: Settle

Tags

13/4, 3/2/1, breaking habits&labels, seasons

I’ve got a couple of drafts here about what I did in 2013, and what I plan for in 2014. But actually, I don’t fancy sharing that right now.

Essentially, I had all these goals for 2012, and then again in 2013. After the success of 2011, I was so excited to continue the winning streak. But for some reason, I was pushing well beyond my comfort zone far too early on, and I’m now flailing for air.

For the last year, I had “star seeking”, but after March, I forgot all about them.

In 2.0.1.3 I aimed to –

~ Reduce excess: food & ‘stuff’  –  Not met. Junk food became my only food. Minimalism didn’t come into it.

~ Create: relaxation & exercise  –  I got myself to dance again by the end of the year, but otherwise, I missed out on this.

~ Bury myself in learning – I read a few books; but still haven’t reached my goal of 26 books. Four of the books I’m counting as read were novellas / half a book.

 

2014 is now on the horizon, so I picked another word; wondering if maybe I can keep it simple this time.

– I wanted a word to mean “fixed” because I spend about 40% of my life feeling that my experiences have broken me.

– A word to mean “not anxious”.

– A word to mean secure; in my home, myself, and my beliefs.

– A word not too physical this year – more spiritual.

– A word to be the antonym of “overwhelm”, which defined 2013 for me. Something comforting. Thought I’ve spent a lot of 2013 attempting to comfort myself. I’ve given up healthy eating, exercise and taken up tears.

~

Settle

~

I’m generally happy with my life, and know that I’m about to make many moves this year – house, from alone to a couple, possibly job, friendship circles and even possibly career change entirely. So I don’t feel at risk of “settling” in my ruts, or getting too stuck in my job, home etc.

So that’s the word for my next year.

I want to feel settled. As a co-habitee, in a new place, with a new job and planning a new future. Settled in the possibility of finally having a real family: just the two of us (for now).

Have you picked a word for the next year?

Conversation: Compassion and Politeness

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, reflection, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

When did it become more important to be polite than compassionate?

I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life in an unsafe state; switching between anxiety, panic attacks and depression. At university and through this blog, I found supportive places.

I joined an online Native American Spirituality group who confirmed to me “no, that isn’t okay.” I made friends with people who believed in the power of positive thinking and even had a lovely card and bright magnet saying I was part of something good. I sought out yoga and meditation, took my vows of attempting pacifism through druidry and began a gratitude practise.

I offered my home and my listening ear to those who needed it, including people I didn’t like – because they deserve to be listened to – no matter what my feelings were for them.

~

Now I’m an adult. I have a job and a flat. I’m meant to have “more control” of my life. I’m meant to be polite and kind, to balance me-time with social-time and having been told for 18 years to SAY NO and Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure – suddenly I’m supposed to go to this party and you must eat that last cake and well they’re family so you have to.

People are different, and it’s about time this world actually thought about that.

How is it fair to put me through anxiety, anger and a sleepless night just because you enjoy something? When did it become unacceptable to politely decline? When did it become okay for people to make snide remarks about things that have always been so? They are some things I have never liked. To say I “suddenly” don’t like it now after 20-odd years of not liking it is not appropriate. And rude. And shows you’ve not cared enough to listen before.

I’m so tired of trying to dodge the “don’t be so politically correct” comments as if being equal and compassionate is something negative.

I’m sick of not being listened to because they’re already speaking over me. There’s that phrase from Fight Club about people who: “actually listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.” But I’m noticing more and more that they don’t even bother with that courtesy.

They talk over me. And they do it as if it’s not incredibly rude and demoralising. As if I’m not an adult with the same rights as them. 

It saddens me to think that even the people who can be understanding and talk about being caring don’t take the time to listen or think about why someone is saying no.

And it worries me that you can’t just say “no, thank you” any more.

If you ask me to JUSTIFY why I’m saying no, you need to find a new friend. Because it’s not necessary and not always appropriate. Especially if I then trust you with the answer and you then try to change my mind – pressure me into it. So just don’t ask.

Is this just me? Or is this actually something important we need to be addressing? What’s more important – compassion or social-acceptability? 

I know which I value more.

2012 in Review

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, plans, processing, reflection, seasons, WorkingOnStuff

This year, my word was CONNECTION. As I love planning and list-making, I ended up with four categories of connection, and one sub-category per lunar month:

Connecting to Space:

–          Streamline & minimise

–          Set up a proper altar I can use for my pagan practise

–          Connect with the land every fortnight

–          Cut down on the processed foods; and get a good exercise routine going, and to keep my sleep and brain as healthy and effective as possible

Connecting to Legacy:

–          Understand my family tree and the heritage this land; and in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it

–          Explore and redefine my labels

–          Read 26 books this year

Connecting to Emotion:

–          Explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others

–          Explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from

Connecting to Practise:

–          Reconnect with spiritual energy (Reiki, meditation)

–          Practise redefinition by default, practising what I preach

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study

–          Discover why I’ve chosen Druidry, and what I want to pass on to my children

As you may be able to tell from the lack of posts about this challenge, I didn’t do as well as I’d have hoped…

The Breakdown

Connecting to Space ~ I did make a lot of minimalism progress, moving into a flat and removing extraneous items. However, this needs to continue.

~ I did not set up a working altar for the whole year, but I did a lot of work in terms of ritual with others and I’m still working through the Gwers. I also completed Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course, which included work on my altar.

~ I did connect with the land often for the first six months, but by July, that faded. Now I have a car, I’ve noticed it’s even less likely to happen.

~ Processed foods dropped a couple of times in the year, but I need to get serious about this again. I lost motivation for exercising too, so I need to work out what made this ‘not matter’ before I try again.

Connecting to Legacy ~ The Gwers talk a bit about the legacy of this land, and the family tree is in progress.

~ I’ve done a LOT of work on labels and redefinition this year. From starting new placements, completing an MSc and driving to moving out to live alone and starting a new job.

~ I used to be an avid reader, but that slipped. So I planned to read one book per fortnight (26). At this rate, I’ll be at 24 by New Year’s Day. I might even consider that a success, as last year I only managed 12.

Connecting to Emotion ~ I’ve spent a lot of this year coming to terms with the fact I’m not naturally non-violent, but actually do seem to be naturally compassionate. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling “overly-sensitive” since trying to find my innate care for others.

~ The fear of silence is less of a fear now, though I haven’t yet found the stem of it.

Connecting to Practise ~ I reduced my meditation, but did more Reiki this year

~ I’ve been quite good in terms of practising what I preach; even releasing the Alchemy of Redefinition course.

~ The final two items about paganism and how I practise are still in progress. Studying for an MSc meant I didn’t study the Gwers as much as planned, and the travel meant missing group ritual and moots.

So the way I count that, I’d say that’s 7/13 partially done, but only 4 fully completed.

Extras

Despite these failing, I did loads of things that I didn’t expect to!

* I finished a novel and submitted it to a publisher
* I wrote the sequel to that novel, ready in case the publisher was interested
* I watched 68 educational television programmes
* I visited Brighton Buddhist Centre
* I spoke as part of group ritual
* I saw the Dalai Lama speak
* I read 24 books, which is double last year’s number!
* I created an e-course and a couple of freebies in the library
* I connected with two old friends for the first time in years

Two Thousand and Thirteen

So, where to?

This is difficult one. I’ve spent exactly six days in my flat, and just five days at my job. The idea of planning goals when I’m in a state of finding-my-feet feels counter-intuitive.

Also, having made such progress in 2011, I’m disappointed by missing out on so much.

So, I’m keeping it simple.

2.0.1.3

Two Words ~ Seeking Stars  (or Star-Seeking)

Zero Expectations

One Theme ~ Improvement

Three Goals ~

1. Reduce excess: food & ‘stuff’

i.      Cut down on junk food
ii.      Head for minimalism to the point where I’m content

2. Create: relaxation & exercise

i.      Meditate, dance & put systems in place to deal with work
ii.      Get healthy/fit so that I feel happy in my own strength again

3. Bury myself in learning

i.      Read books and watch educational programs
ii.      Continue home-study courses

How was your 2012?

In light,

Rose

NaNoWriMo12 – 2/3rds done

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, LiteratureLessons, nanowrimo, novel, processing

It’s November 20th. That’s 2/3rds through the 30 days of November.

I’m now at 60,740 words, and the evening isn’t over yet. If I write 2,500 words a day (including another 2000 on top of what I’ve already done today) I’ll finish the book by the end of the month.

But it’s not gone quite so smoothly as I’d hoped. Of those 20 days, I’ve hated my novel for 7 of them. In terms of something being “loved”, two-thirds isn’t really good enough for me.

But today, I’ve clawed my way back out, having written a minimum of 2000 words no matter what, because to reach my goal, I really need to hit 2,500 a day from now. So I wrote 2k a day, of bits I hated, or padding out descriptions in prior scenes. Now I’m finally back on the trail. It’s still not very easy, but I’m connecting with so many other writers – on the forum, via twitter, using tags and labels and blogs… and today I wrote a scene I loved.

And that’s worth every struggle.

NaNoWriMo 2012 ~ Half Way (in which I think I know what I’m doing and then find I don’t)

Tags

breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, LiteratureLessons, nanowrimo, novel, plans, potential, reflection

It’s November 11th. I should have finished last night at 16,667 words. Instead, I went to bed with 25,151 under my belt.
The 50,000 word aim in 30 days has always been “do-able” for me.

I met the goal in 2009, though the ideas were very much stolen from another set of books.
In 2010, I wrote the ideas myself but had a lot of loose ends and half-written scenes. I didn’t finish the story, though a book was ‘done’.
In 2011, I used a lot of cheats to win.

But I’ve completed it 3 years in a row.

This year, I decided not to use any cheats. I use a # to denote the end of scene, as is common practise in manuscripts. I have chapters which adds 2 words every 5000 odd. I even have two-half scenes at the end; which I hope to include, but didn’t want to happen until later in the book. I wrote them in the 30 days, so I’m counting them.

I thought this year would be harder, and so far it is.

As Rachel Aaron pointed out on the forums, a sequel is harder.

As someone who’s currently finishing up the third book in her second series, I’m of the opinion that second books are the hardest, because you’re still figuring out the world and the characters to a large extent, only now, thanks to book 1, you can’t just change everything to suit your plot.

So I never expected to write 5,019 words on day 5. I didn’t expect to suddenly be ahead by three days. Yesterday, I wrote 5,925. And I’ve been keeping track of the actual time spent writing, to give me an average words per hour and and idea of how many hours it takes to write a novel.

I’ve been using a tag on twitter to do word sprints, where you set a time of say, 15 minutes, and see how many words you can write, and then compare it to others. I’ve begun running my own with friends and strangers who wanted to do extra ones.

This year I’ve also ended up with more people ahead of me (in terms of word-count) than behind me, which is rare. It’s an odd feeling to wake up and find people are 6-10k ahead of my own, also-ahead goal. Yesterday morning, one of my new NaNoBuddies in Aus (so it was the end of day 10 for them) was at 33k.

I thought after three years and having written the first novel, this would be more familiar. Not easier, but that I’d know what to expect. Instead, I’m wondering if I can meet a higher goal than the 50k in 30 days, and desperately trying to catch up with my friend who reached 30k as I passed 25.

If I can reach 30k tonight  I might actually finish the book by the end of the month, reaching 85k. However, I’ve only got the next four scenes planned out and I’m aware of all the things I need to do about my new job, finding a flat, de-cluttering and packing for the move, writing my blog, practising driving, doing housework, working out finances and such.

 

NaNoWriMo is always one of those things I look forward to, although I’ve attempted just as many novels outside of November too. What I hadn’t expected was the connection with others, the ability to prove I can write 650 words in 15 minutes and the way a novel kind of makes itself once your make the world and characters real.

Just create characters, set them down in a place, and they will live. 

Connecting: Best Friends

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, Insights, processing, reflection

Hope you don’t mind me posting this, Rach.

Today, my parents and I helped a friend of the family move house. Her daughter, Rachel, was there to help.

I think my mum met her at a mother & baby group, but wherever it was, her daughter and I became best friends in nursery school, and stayed like that until I went to secondary school when I was 11.

We did everything together; from learning to ride bikes (two of us on one bike was a common sight) and roller skates to sleepovers and daily fights. Rach even broke her foot the same week I broke my toe (in completely unrelated incidents I must add) and we spent two weeks at play-time sitting together on a wall outside our classrooms.

When we went to separate secondary schools, she made friends (and had friends from our old school) while I went to a private, all-girls place with only one girl from my school; who I barely knew. I made two friends in my five years there, and then went to college and made two more friends (one is now my partner, so he doesn’t really count). Of those four people, only one contacts me when I try to connect.

So in 2005, I discovered online friends and am very grateful to the three wonderfully stable best friends I still have: Kami and Josh in America, and Amma who lives in the nearest big town to where I grew up. Through Skype and smartphones, I’ve been able to see a live woodchuck on the campus of an American University and hear the laughter of these friends, despite the miles between us. I meet up with Amma an average of once every 2 years, and I speak to Kami or Josh once every 3-4 weeks on Skype.

 

Re-connecting

This morning, I met that girl again; that best friend from my childhood, Rachel. That sweet and pretty little girl who rode on my bike and whose hair caught fire due to sparklers (I think I just laughed, but we were only 3 and 4)… is now a beautiful woman living in a flat with her partner and a full-time job and car. And she studies at her job to boot! I’m in awe of how much she has achieved, as I still remember her, aged 3, crying with her hair on fire.

It felt awkward to say hi to her again, as I’ve spoken barely 20 words to her in the last ten years. This grown up lady who I’d vaguely heard updates about from her mother, and had seen the odd picture of on facebook, sounded so different to those memories I had.

But after carrying heavy furniture together down some stairs, into a van, onto a trolley and up to a storage place; I was hugging her and we were taking photographs together. I expected so much to have changed in that decade, but after 3 hours together, it was like I had my best friend back. It still felt odd to hug her, but it’s something I used to value more than anything; the feel our arms behind each other’s back; because that’s how best friends used to stand together. United against anything; inseparable.

Connections

I made a goal at New Year to make sure I connect with people more. I’ve made a consistent effort to make it to the pagan meet-ups, to celebrate the seasons and to honour the tradition of seeing my friend from college.

I’ve tried to see the possibilities and the potential in everything, and to trust that some people are good examples of the human race. I grew up with the lesson “people are mean and you need to be meaner to succeed” and it’s taken a lot of time and experiences to redefine that: to recognise that some people will give, just ‘because’.

 I haven’t had a close friend I can regularly see and hug and laugh with for ten years. And in re-connecting with my old best friend, I’m realising that’s something I’ve really needed. Especially as my partner’s three counties away and I’ll soon be moving to a new town.

I’m sure Rachel has changed, just as I have. But she stills laughs at my jokes and we still say the same things. We were almost finishing each other’s sentences again.

And now I feel sad, because I’m leaving and I’ve lost ten years of that. I hadn’t fully realised how much of a hole not having a best friend leaves.

So I’m hoping to change that by seeing her again before I move into my flat; and maybe when I return for weekends or Christmas. If nothing else, it’s a lesson about connection I’d rather learn now, than in thirty years time when we may have lost touch forever.

In light,

Rose

Connecting to Practise – iv – A Seeker And The Shadows

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, enchantress, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, potential

As part of my connection theme for this year, I’ve been turning to written material. I’m on the eighth Gwers of my Druid studies, over half-way through Spirits of the Sacred Grove [Emma Restall Orr] and I’m taking Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a new blog and picked up an e-book called Walk Like a God by Drew Jacob.

I had a few revelations, so this is a long post, and may stretch two. They’re a little bit jumpy, but there is a thread (my trail of thoughts) flowing through each section, so I hope it makes some sense. I’ve also had a lot of blocks to posting this openly, but I feel it’s an important journey dialogue.

 

Connecting the Connections

If you’ve been following my blog for the last two years, you’ll know I have this mild obsession with labels, and have spent a lot of time searching for that “perfect term” for myself; still defining the goal of my life. That dream I’ve always wanted to attain but never even felt I got onto the path of.

On this journey, I have found comfort in the term of enchantress, found joy in the label of priestess, and I’ve valued dance, martial arts, strength-building and writing as the highest values of my life. I can take a label from each of these, yet it’s never covered every part of me.

This week, I’ve been focused on my lack of motivation to wake early and get back into writing (I’m on novel #5 now). Throughout my various reading of the past few weeks, I saw the connection.

 

Having talked about the success of forming habits being based on motivation, I know that personally, the defining of the end goal is a big block for me in forming a new habit. The more I try, the more I began to ask myself why I’m not living life as I want to. Why can’t I wake early and meditate?

Is it all an issue of definition?

 

Enticement

As I shuffle through the memories of this “seeking self”; the search for strength and for quietude have been the greatest and longest lasting. I’ve craved focus as much as I’ve enjoyed being distracted.

In each story, I find that thread of desire for stillness. I find the scholar who wants to understand what others understood, the psychologist who wants to understand people’s volition, the star-gazer who wants to absorb the knowledge of the universe and the reader who wants to feel every emotion of every character invented. Yet within this dream is that underlying sense of quiet spirit. And below that, power.

I sense a deep thrum of power, and I seek it. I am enticed to follow the silent calling.

 

If I understand why people act as they do, why that works as it does; why atoms form like that – I have knowledge of how everything moves. I’ll be able to understand and maybe to change how those worlds work. Underlying the scholar is the strength-seeking woman who wants to connect with the world. In my mind, I see a stealthy being, cloaked in silence and able to experience things most people miss.

I notice in the shadows of stillness, that’s what I seek. This is the Connection to Practise I spoke of.

 

A Specific Term Speaks

Last week, I found myself flickering through the various minimal and spiritual posts I’ve found over the past couple of years, and through various links, ended up at Drew Jacob’s blog: Rogue Priest.

I hadn’t read a single blog post before I felt the ripple. The terminology alone hit home for me and the thrum got louder as associations flew into my conscious awareness.

 

Rogue… off the trodden path, a skilled thief in the ragnarok online game. A shadowy figure who uses stealth and skills. Sometimes wild and untamed yet all about the quietude… Focused and still… unseen yet powerful. Connecting to the land but often without obvious knowledge of it.

 

Priest… quiet, connected to spirit, focused and calm. “Witchy powers” came to mind, as I began my spiritual path self-defining as a witch. Also shadowy due to the silence, the reverence. All these associations flew forward: those and less relevant ones like my connection between martial arts and monasteries… the discipline and quiet appeal.

 

This is exactly what I’ve sought.  This is a label I could happily follow. Reverence, priesthood, stealth, quiet…

I want the structure and focus yet simplicity of priesthood. I want the freedom, passion and skill of a rogue.  I want that thrum, that power, that passion. This is the form of practise I want to connect with.

 

 

Head high, cloak draped over my shoulder, I step out of the sunlight and into the shadows: a seeker of stillness.

2012 Word Breakdown: IV. Connecting to Practise

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here. If you missed all three, here’s the third, on emotion.

 

IV. Connecting to Practise

‘Practise’ is a term I realised in 2008, meant “life”. Each experience is a practise run for the next. This hour is a practise for the next; which I’ll learn from and use in future events.

For this goal, that’s kind of how I’m covering it: life.

And having though of it like that, I feared this post would be long and rambly. In fact, it’s short and simple, though a little jumpy due to nature of change and realisations.

I want to reconnect with the spiritual energy I found in 2004, which gave me hope. To get back to learning about energy from books (physics) and to practising it (Reiki, meditation).

 This includes getting outside at least once a fortnight to experience the energy of the land, of the trees.

 

Practise of Wellness

This is a recent finding.

I posted over at the Phoenix Mind about my steps back to mental wellness. This involved having systems for when life was tough, and if that’s not practise, I don’t know what is.

As of last week, I’m back to exercising. I have a six-minute routine I’m doing twice a day to get my abilities back to a decent level, covering core, arms, legs and balance.

I have a couple of comedians DVDs on my laptop for times I just need to laugh, and I found that novel-writing really is my best escape.

I’d like to find more items to sit in this first-aid-box of life’s negative turns; so that I can always bring myself back, once I’m ready.

What have I missed?

So that leaves me with a few goals from my original 13. The learning and getting outside come under other aspects. The two finalists come under all the aspects, so let’s have them now.

–          Read 26 books this year (Legacy, Practise)

This comes under all four; and in my first post outlining the themes, I shared the books I’d be reading throughout the year. I have to say that, as of January 28^th I’ve read 4.5 books, which is well on track for 26 in 12 months.

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study (Practise, Legacy, Space, Spirit)

Related to spiritual space, I’d like to practise paganism more; to study, attend or partake in ritual, prayer, meditation.

So that’s my 2012 planned, and January almost done with. I’ll be back in February to share my January accomplishments and February’s plans.

In Light,
Rose

2012 Word Breakdown: III. Connecting to Compassion

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here.

This particular post has a lot of personal information, so please be respectful when commenting.  

 

III. Connecting to Compassion

In 2000, I began to experience Depression.

I had “nervous break downs” as someone termed them, though I now know they were “panic attacks”.  I disliked my school, where I had come from a normal school (being top of the class) to a private school where I was suddenly lower-middle in each class (and bottom in some!).

I felt unsure of this move, felt useless as a student (if you’re a regular reader, you know I’m obsessed with this scholar idea) and felt unsafe wherever I went. I was a loner; having no actual friends until I was 14, and was bullied by three particular people through those five years.

To add to this, I didn’t live in a safe space either.

 

The Emotional Relationship

My relationship with negativity began here, with depression and trauma; with PTSD-like symptoms and with crippling nightmares. I learnt to get by without sleep, to cry silently and I spent each break and lunch time in the basement of the old school, writing poetry.

I began to exhibit symptoms of OCD, panic attacks became more regular and teachers began stopping me in the corridors to ask if everything was alright at home.

Even now, I couldn’t tell why the hell I said Yes. I’d not been threatened to not tell anyone, as if no one had suspected I’d tell anyway.

Essentially, though the various experiences from 2000 to 2008, I’ve had a few traumas which have in turn caused PTSD, ED, OCD, anxiety and depression. I ended up in hospital, with a plan to run away once I was out.

I couldn’t see a way out. 

 

Systems

As I’ve now attended the same 6-week Anger Management course and will be doing so for another course in February; I’ve discovered systems for dealing with Anger. So much so, that I’d say anger is no longer my biggest emotional issue. However, that means that my Guilt, my Terror/Fear and my Worry are now really paramount in my mind.

So, if I have systems for one, why not for others? I’ve got the books ready and I’m planning to develop my own system for dealing with these issues as best I can.

Again, I’m not fully sure how this will work, but I’m documenting my journey to compassion through over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share.

This is my search for a system of self-compassion; of healing and of calm. 

 

Role of Peacemaker

This is an investigation specifically into Compassion and nonviolence. I like the idea of nonviolence, yet grew up with an aggressive family, and a submissive family; and unfortunately, anger DID work VERY effectively at reaching the goals of the aggressor.

Again, as I find out more about the peacemaker label of the Druids, I’m feeling that pull of heritage and the knowledge that I want my children to understand the power in nonviolence – I have to understand my feelings on the subjects. I’ve begun to have experiences with compassion as a force, and that has inspired a more structured search through the library of this emotional state.

I want to make my own mind up on my values, and to really explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others.

Once more, I’ve books on the subjects, the OBOD Gwersi, and I meditate – this is my journey and I’ll be speaking about it here; with essays of theory, examples of life and possibly theories of structure.

 

Speaking and Silence

Then, there’s this relationship sharing with my own views, and my feelings. This act of complaining, the “whose had a worse life/essay/volunteering mess-up” challenge and my fear of silence (which leads to me babbling on about myself for no reason).

 I want to explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from.

 

Next time I’ll cover the final aspect of Practise and the aspects of my potential I’m hoping to reach for this year.

In light,
Rose

2012 Word Breakdown: II. Connecting to Legacy

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, plans, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, head here to view my plans around Connecting with Space.

 

II. Connecting to Legacy

Legacy is a word I don’t hear much among the students I see around university. Nor is it a word I hear from parents or friends of the family. However, I once saw a talk by Gary Vaynerchuck where he said:

“Legacy is greater than currency. Has everybody completely grasped that your great, great, great grandchildren are going to watch and see everything you’ve ever done? I think about that every single day. I want my grandkids to be proud of me.”

Legacy is important.

 

The Legacy I’ve Watched

In July 2011, I was told that my Grandfather had suspected Dementia.

I won’t go into the massive details but he is the only male in my entire family I think has played his cards right, is a fully worthy human being and has done the best he can. He has the kindest heart and the gentlest manner, despite fighting for his beliefs; his mind has always been sharp and he loves to walk up mountains despite being quite old.

Legacy is finding out that I am like him, that I have some of that amazing greatness in my potential. I know of his life choices, his mistakes and especially the things he regrets but I think were the right choice.

As a Bardic student, I’m now learning the legacy of the Druids; the poems that taught of magic and emotions, and as a reader, the parables which told of the morals (Western) humans usually abide by. This has given me a glimpse of how much knowing the legacy and heritage of a belief, a label or an action can enrich an experience.

Legacy is important, and none more important to me than my own.

I want to know and understand my legacy – my family tree and the heritage of the family I’ve made for myself.

 

Connecting with Values

I’m looking at the genealogy within my bloodline; of the Irish great-grandparents, of the quintessentially English grandparents, of the French surname and of the Estuary English dialect I speak mixed with my mother’s odd northern pronunciation.

This is a delve into the past; of who I was made to be, how I got here and what possibilities lay within my veins.

I’m trying to bring that sense of welcome into my own personality; for nothing is more important than honour and hospitality in my grandfather’s eyes.

Unfortunately, I grew up miles from him and only one mile from other family members, who value educational terms, grades, money and… well. They said “That’s allowed then” when I told them my other half was studying Medicine.

 

This year I’m exploring the labels I’d always thought I couldn’t change, and deliberately adopting new ones through re-definition.

 

Emotional Legacy

This includes the labels around being a student, a wife, a mother; all the things I hope to be. I want to really understand where my values are in how to treat differences (my family are generally quite judgemental), how to deal with emotions like anger and my views on non-violence.

This links to my third focus a little but essentially, emotional legacy covers my past labels around emotion like anger solves everything & weak people cry, and covers what kind of legacy I want to pass on to my friends, to my kids, to my friend’s kids.

 

I’m not yet sure how to go around this, except I’ve begun a journey along my thoughts of compassion over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share. This will also cover the third aspect of my theme for the year; emotion a little too.

 

Spiritual Legacy

Finally, I want to continue the journey I began at 11 when I lost my faith in Christianity.

I want to really understand my choice not to continue with that path, to be able to explain why I’ve chosen Druidry, and to get my head around what I want to pass on to my children.

I want to understand the heritage of the land; this sacred isle surrounded by water and covered with history and mythology. And in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it.

 

Legacy is all about my past lessons and what I want to pass on.

Next time I’ll cover the aspect of Compassion and the emotional aspects touched on here in more detail.

In light,
Rose