It was through this call that I discovered not just a light; but a spaciousness that comes with it. And it came in the form of a lighthouse. This seemed to reflect every aspect of my current definition – from lighting my room in the dark mornings so that I’ll get out of bed, to my old persona of being a mermaid who loved a sailor (a previous metaphor I used).
Yesterday, I was sitting in my meditation class and I thought about the sunlight that was streaming through the trees and resting on my face. I had warm feet and a warm face; while the rest of my body was in shade from the canopy. And I thought of the lighthouse; the light upon my face and the light upon the doorway.
The Safe Room
In the call with Gina, I discovered that my fear-of-being-seen was sitting on the balcony of the lighthouse; the walkway where the light can be changed.
And I sat next to it; and we watched the ocean together. A moment of stillness settled over us and I felt the peace; the wind drop to a whisper.
And I realised that I have the space.
Yet, I can’t access it – it’s just a room and I grew up in a house where I wasn’t safe in ym own room.
I realised that I have a pattern and a fear of rooms; even though I’d made it round to remove it’s scary corners for things to lurk in – I realised I was terrified of the image I created to be my safe room.
This is interesting; because when I first moved into the blog-home I’m in now; I had to return to that house where I never feel safe. And I created the cottage; where Josiane and Elizabeth came round for tea.
And it seems that my new safe room is a balcony overlooking the ocean;’ at the top of a lighthouse.
The New Fears Arise
“You’re afraid of heights.”
Oh., Yes. How can we make this safe, despite its height?
The railings: There are white painted railings; covered in climbing plants and flowering vines.
A net: There’s a little platform under the balcony; so if you fell over the edge; you’d be safe.
The window seat: (I’ve always wanted a window seat) – it’s a little plinth I can sit on; and rest my arms on the top of the railings. I’m sitting down, the bottom of the rails is solid so I can’t see down – just out. Out and over to the ocean waves.
Any other comments? We can always redecorate it as needed.
-silence-. Anxiety has fallen asleep against the stone wall.
And here we rest in the quiet; awaiting sunset when the lamp will be lit.