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Monthly Archives: November 2010

Authentic Voice

20 Saturday Nov 2010

Posted by Rose in Personal Notes

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

dancing-with-limitation, processing, WorkingOnStuff

So many thoughts. I did a lot of Shivanata throughout the day. Threw in the odd move into dance, while waiting for the kettle to boil and while cleaning.

And then went to this.. voice circle.

And for the first time in possibly ever, I felt afraid to sing at all. I didn’t trust my voice.

Even humming was too much. Considering that I still sang to myself when in hospital with swollen tonsils, this fear was very new.

Vocalism

I’m that girl who sings along to her mp3 player whether she can do so in tune or not. Who only strengthens her resolve when people walk past. I sing, growl, chant or whisper along with it and don’t care.

Today, we sat in a circle and chanted – and it was all fine. There was a chance to harmonise. And then something snapped and I withdrew.

I was suddenly so mindful of how good the voices either side of me were. Of the two women opposite me in the circle. How the shy ones could sing louder now.

I was so proud of them.

And yet, part of me shrank.

The V-Formation Room

What I could have done to improve this, was let a stronger facet of myself  take over from the fearful me, instead sending her  to the safe room.

This basically means in my flock of birds, I had the fearful self at the front of the V formation and I needed one of my more sovereign/stronger-at-that-moment/knows-how-to-step-back selves to volunteer to take her place.

I stopped singing. My voice lowered on a hum. And then that ceased.

The woman next to me looked towards me. I’d been singing fine until now.

And then it was my turn to sit in the middle. We could sing, hum or be silent and just receive.

I sat in quiet. And felt the power of the circles energy.

The Shape & Space of Safety

I could have done with my room. So I’m here now. It’s got rounded walls-  no corners for things to hide behind. They’re soundproof too. The door has a curtain across it. Food and drink gets put in a little letterbox I can reach from inside here. I have a computer to write this on. I have music to sing to and so many books to cradle me in other worlds.

There are all kinds of coloured grasses in pots. Black grass, yellow and green. And bluebells.

There’s a massive bed which lets me sleep in peace and a comfy sofa to lounge on with my books or art/writing materials.

And then I found this little analytical voice who explained it all and let me know it was all allowed.

Reminders

– “… there isn’t any way to screw this up because it’s all an experiment …”
* It may not feel pleasurable, but it’s important. It’s a clearing, a lesson. It’s all just practise.
– This may not be for you.
* You can sing.
– Take your time to work through this.

I’m not sure quite where the lines overlap but it’s something to keep an eye on. I’m singing as I type this, perfectly fine again. But something’s shifted and it’s not entirely comfortable. I’m letting it rest within me.

Anyone else had an experience like this?

In light,
Rose

Winter Lists

15 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Rose in Personal Notes

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Tags

Autumn, plans

It’s cold out, we can see our breath on the air [at least here in the UK] and the storms have set in.

However strong the desire to write a post, I’m stuck in a rut. So I’ll just put some lists here to give a brief update. Stay Safe.

 

This week’s VPA – Simple transition to complete tasks

– I want an easy transition to cross 10 out of 15 items on my to-do lists and to get it done with space and time. With no loose ends, pretty please.

I’m so grateful for:

– my other half. He was so supportive last week while I was dealing with old patterns. I saw him this weekend and he was so patient and got my mind off things.

– a safe journey home. The train journey back was manic with cancellations, changes and having to travel to Clapham to get from one south coast town to another. [Southampton to Brighton]. I got through it, and I’m home safe and well.

– tea. I love spending time with my other half, but he has limited tea resources. I’m always so grateful for a cup of chai, jasmine or nettle when I return.

– music. It got me to his house, then home through the train changes and now as I’m doing some work, it’s here to keep me focused.

– community. I had three friends to text on the train home. I’ve come back to find a “how are you, we should meet up this week” message from another. I feel loved, accepted and just.. safe. I’ve support and connection here. I’m so blessed to have that.

– food. I was well fed. I’m so lucky that I have enough food to eat, and to share with my friends.

– writing. I got back into novel-writing and I’ve realised how blessed I am to be able to escape into another world.

– time. I have enough time. At this point, I’ve enough to time to fit in everything. I just need to remember that and use it wisely.

 

This week’s To-Do:

– Dissertation Ethics form
– Dissertation Statements
– Dissertation Meeting with Tutor about above two items
– Neurobiology Report
– Neurobiology Paper Presentation
– Consciousness Concept Diary
– Consciousness Presentation Write-Up
– Right Here Paperwork
– Chase up placement emails
– Lead meditation
– Novel-write
– Sort out Seidr night
– Finish 2 books that have been lent to me
– Daily Shivanata

 

And rewards –

– Seth Lakeman gig, [wed]

– Meeting a friend for lunch [tues?]

 

Tonight, I light a candle in gratitude for being here; safe and well.

 

In candle Light,

Rose.

 

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Rose

artist, neuroscientist, writer & dreamer

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