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Wings of Flight

~ …Emblazing brightness with enchantress Wings…

Tag Archives: WorkingOnStuff

Conversation: Compassion and Politeness

26 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by Rose in Conversations, Personal Notes, Spirit, Very Personal Ads

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, reflection, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

When did it become more important to be polite than compassionate?

Things were simple as a washer woman with a falcon flying past...I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life in an unsafe state; switching between anxiety, panic attacks and depression. At university and through this blog, I found supportive places.

I joined an online Native American Spirituality group who confirmed to me “no, that isn’t okay.” I made friends with people who believed in the power of positive thinking and even had a lovely card and bright magnet saying I was part of something good. I sought out yoga and meditation, took my vows of attempting pacifism through druidry and began a gratitude practise.

I offered my home and my listening ear to those who needed it, including people I didn’t like – because they deserve to be listened to – no matter what my feelings were for them.

~

Now I’m an adult. I have a job and a flat. I’m meant to have “more control” of my life. I’m meant to be polite and kind, to balance me-time with social-time and having been told for 18 years to SAY NO and Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure – suddenly I’m supposed to go to this party and you must eat that last cake and well they’re family so you have to.

People are different, and it’s about time this world actually thought about that.

How is it fair to put me through anxiety, anger and a sleepless night just because you enjoy something? When did it become unacceptable to politely decline? When did it become okay for people to make snide remarks about things that have always been so? They are some things I have never liked. To say I “suddenly” don’t like it now after 20-odd years of not liking it is not appropriate. And rude. And shows you’ve not cared enough to listen before.

I’m so tired of trying to dodge the “don’t be so politically correct” comments as if being equal and compassionate is something negative.

I’m sick of not being listened to because they’re already speaking over me. There’s that phrase from Fight Club about people who: “actually listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.” But I’m noticing more and more that they don’t even bother with that courtesy.

They talk over me. And they do it as if it’s not incredibly rude and demoralising. As if I’m not an adult with the same rights as them. 

It saddens me to think that even the people who can be understanding and talk about being caring don’t take the time to listen or think about why someone is saying no.

And it worries me that you can’t just say “no, thank you” any more.

If you ask me to JUSTIFY why I’m saying no, you need to find a new friend. Because it’s not necessary and not always appropriate. Especially if I then trust you with the answer and you then try to change my mind – pressure me into it. So just don’t ask.

Is this just me? Or is this actually something important we need to be addressing? What’s more important – compassion or social-acceptability? 

I know which I value more.

Work in Progress: TMOS

07 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Personal Notes, Writing

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connect, Insights, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, nanowrimo, novel, WorkingOnStuff

writtenword 001This morning, I had another lull at work. No one else was in the office, and I had two hours to kill.

I opened up Wings of Skell to edit it, but before I’d even found my place again, I was opening a new document, and typing out the details of an idea that I’d had Monday night.

I was originally tagged by Cheyenne in one of these “Work in Progress” Blog Hops and having done one for my other pieces, here’s one on this new project.

This is my final set of answers for now – focusing on the novel I began in 2010, and am working on into 2013 (mainly to stop me editing the previous two). It’s not as detailed as the previous two, but as it’s actually my work in progress, I thought I should post about it.

 

1) What is the working title of your book?

It’s currently called The Mists of Shade.

2) Where did the idea come from for the book?

Watching Pocahontas on Monday night reminded me of an idea I’d had a few months or years again. It wasn’t new, but this new idea then blossomed over the last three days as I tried to write it down and then ignore it.

3) What genre does your book fall under?

I’ve only written one chapter, but I’d say fantasy as a loose category for now.

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I only have two characters so far, and one of them’s an animal.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Kayla is a social worker in the county of Sussex, and looks from the outside as normal as anyone. But she has a gift that she cannot ignore. When she begins working on a case at work that stumps her colleagues, she discovers the war that’s going on under every person’s feet.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

At this point, neither. Both are possible though.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

I began this morning… It’s less than 3,000 words so far.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

I’ll let you know when I know what this one’s about.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?

One scene of Pocahontas, loosely.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I already know what I want the cover to look like, and it’s EPIC.

Once again, I tag anyone who writes :) Leave a link in the comments so I can read about your work and connect with you.

In Light,
Rose

2012 in Review

29 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Habits, Insights, Personal Notes

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, plans, processing, reflection, seasons, WorkingOnStuff

This year, my word was CONNECTION. As I love planning and list-making, I ended up with four categories of connection, and one sub-category per lunar month:

Connecting to Space:

–          Streamline & minimise

–          Set up a proper altar I can use for my pagan practise

–          Connect with the land every fortnight

–          Cut down on the processed foods; and get a good exercise routine going, and to keep my sleep and brain as healthy and effective as possible

Connecting to Legacy:

–          Understand my family tree and the heritage this land; and in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it

–          Explore and redefine my labels

–          Read 26 books this year

Connecting to Emotion:

–          Explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others

–          Explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from

Connecting to Practise:

–          Reconnect with spiritual energy (Reiki, meditation)

–          Practise redefinition by default, practising what I preach

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study

–          Discover why I’ve chosen Druidry, and what I want to pass on to my children

As you may be able to tell from the lack of posts about this challenge, I didn’t do as well as I’d have hoped…

The Breakdown

Connecting to Space ~ I did make a lot of minimalism progress, moving into a flat and removing extraneous items. However, this needs to continue.

~ I did not set up a working altar for the whole year, but I did a lot of work in terms of ritual with others and I’m still working through the Gwers. I also completed Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course, which included work on my altar.

~ I did connect with the land often for the first six months, but by July, that faded. Now I have a car, I’ve noticed it’s even less likely to happen.

~ Processed foods dropped a couple of times in the year, but I need to get serious about this again. I lost motivation for exercising too, so I need to work out what made this ‘not matter’ before I try again.

Connecting to Legacy ~ The Gwers talk a bit about the legacy of this land, and the family tree is in progress.

~ I’ve done a LOT of work on labels and redefinition this year. From starting new placements, completing an MSc and driving to moving out to live alone and starting a new job.

~ I used to be an avid reader, but that slipped. So I planned to read one book per fortnight (26). At this rate, I’ll be at 24 by New Year’s Day. I might even consider that a success, as last year I only managed 12.

Connecting to Emotion ~ I’ve spent a lot of this year coming to terms with the fact I’m not naturally non-violent, but actually do seem to be naturally compassionate. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling “overly-sensitive” since trying to find my innate care for others.

~ The fear of silence is less of a fear now, though I haven’t yet found the stem of it.

Connecting to Practise ~ I reduced my meditation, but did more Reiki this year

~ I’ve been quite good in terms of practising what I preach; even releasing the Alchemy of Redefinition course.

~ The final two items about paganism and how I practise are still in progress. Studying for an MSc meant I didn’t study the Gwers as much as planned, and the travel meant missing group ritual and moots.

So the way I count that, I’d say that’s 7/13 partially done, but only 4 fully completed.

Extras

Despite these failing, I did loads of things that I didn’t expect to!

* I finished a novel and submitted it to a publisher
* I wrote the sequel to that novel, ready in case the publisher was interested
* I watched 68 educational television programmes
* I visited Brighton Buddhist Centre
* I spoke as part of group ritual
* I saw the Dalai Lama speak
* I read 24 books, which is double last year’s number!
* I created an e-course and a couple of freebies in the library
* I connected with two old friends for the first time in years

Two Thousand and Thirteen

So, where to?

This is difficult one. I’ve spent exactly six days in my flat, and just five days at my job. The idea of planning goals when I’m in a state of finding-my-feet feels counter-intuitive.

Also, having made such progress in 2011, I’m disappointed by missing out on so much.

So, I’m keeping it simple.

2.0.1.3

Two Words ~ Seeking Stars  (or Star-Seeking)

Zero Expectations

One Theme ~ Improvement

Three Goals ~

  1. Reduce excess: food & ‘stuff’

i.      Cut down on junk food
ii.      Head for minimalism to the point where I’m content

  1. Create: relaxation & exercise

i.      Meditate, dance & put systems in place to deal with work
ii.      Get healthy/fit so that I feel happy in my own strength again

  1. Bury myself in learning

i.      Read books and watch educational programs
ii.      Continue home-study courses

How was your 2012?

In light,

Rose

The Next Big Thing: WIP

20 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Personal Notes, Writing

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Tags

connect, Insights, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, nanowrimo, novel, WorkingOnStuff

novel 015Earlier in the week I wrote about my NaNoWriMo project of 2012: Flight of Skell, as I was tagged by Cheyenne in a Blog Hop called The Next Big Thing.

This is my final set of answers for now – focusing on the novel I began in 2010, and am working on into 2013 (mainly to stop me editing the previous two). It’s not as detailed as the previous two, but as it’s actually my work in progress, I thought I should post about it.

I’m also living in a flat with minimal (if any) internet so if it takes me a while to reply, I apologise, but I will try to catch up with the blog as soon as possible.

1) What is the working title of your book?

It’s currently called Resilience.

2) Where did the idea come from for the book?

I don’t remember. The idea is coming up to three years old, but I know it began with the idea of eye colour and the sense of power behind the human gaze.

3) What genre does your book fall under?

Oh I have no clue. It’s only 11k long right now, but it was planned as a literary piece so we’ll have to see. It’s definitely Sci-Fi or Fantasy based though.

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I don’t know. None of the characters are fully formed at this point, and one even shape-shifts so his appearance changes daily.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

The laws of the Sanctuary have been in place for fifty years, but when the Order of the Elements orders one of its workers to take in a child with hazel eyes, she has no choice but to break protocol.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

At this point, neither. Both are possible though.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Heh… three years? We’re still in progress.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

I’ll let you know when I know what this one’s about.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?

The colour of human eyes.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Again, we’ll see.

Once again, I tag anyone who writes 🙂 Leave a link in the comments so I can read about your work and connect with you.

In Light,
Rose

Work in Progress: FOS

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Personal Notes, Writing

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connect, Insights, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, nanowrimo, novel, WorkingOnStuff

Novelwriting1Last week I wrote about my main novel project of 2012: Wings of Skell, as I was tagged by Cheyenne in a Blog Hop called The Next Big Thing.

Much like writing the summary and query letters, despite being the second book in a series, I found it helpful to write about the book – so I’m back with another one.

I’m also living in a flat with minimal (if any) internet so if it takes me a while to reply, I apologise, but I will try to catch up with the blog at the weekend when I’m visiting my parents.

1) What is the working title of your book?

Flight of Skell is the second book in my series, following Wings of Skell. Once more, the titles have changed, but I’m still working out what to call the final one before I settle on the format for the first two.

2) Where did the idea come from for the book?

The first book began with two POVs. In the re-write, I cut out the second main character completely, and the book just felt right to end at a point earlier than I’d intended. So now I’ve second one which includes the second main character and continues the story, typing up a lot of loose ends. It also brings me to the point I intended to end on, and in typing one extra paragraph on the final day, the whole premise of book three has a new underlying theme. It was this little possibility that inspired me to write the second one – to find that thread.

3) What genre does your book fall under?

I believe it’s classed as a Young Adult Fantasy series. I’ve never had to classify it before, but I’m aiming at early twenties.

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I’m not sure I really have an answer for this, but maybe once the series is done and I’m looking at the fully-developed people and how they’ve changed I’ll be able to pair them with actors. As before, Alina could be played by Katie McGrath.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Alina made it to the throne, beating the odds and turning the tables on a faction battle. However, the story of her lineage is still a mystery and an old tale of the country’s origin spurs a whole new set of possibilities for her bond with Skell.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Not sure yet, but Wings of Skell is in the hands of a publisher. In case they say they’re interested, this series is on hold until February other than revisions. Following any rejection, agents will be next. Failing that, I have no problem self-publishing so the people who want to read it can.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

27 days. I know about a major revision though, so once I’ve let it sit for a month or two, I’ll be re-writing a pretty big chunk of it.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

Not a clue, but the impact of an origin story reminds me of the Noble Warriors trilogy by William Nicholson.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Knowing that Alina’s main motivation hadn’t been realised, and having a tiny glimpse at the end of the last book that I could access this thread – this tiny seed of an idea that will really make the final book have depth.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Erm. It’s got falcons, necromancy, magic, and Fae… and a secondary character has an adorable black puppy who is incredibly cute. Seriously.

Once more, I tag anyone who writes 🙂 Leave a link in the comments so I can read about your work, too!

In Light,
Rose

Work in Progress: WOS

09 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Personal Notes, Writing

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Tags

Insights, LiteratureLessons, nanowrimo, novel, WorkingOnStuff

nov12 007It’s December. The rush of NaNo is over and my novels are resting. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being a writer.

I’ve returned to a story I began in 2010, and I remembered that I was tagged in a Blog Hop by another NaNoWriMo participant, Cheyenne. As I spent January-October writing the first book, then November writing the sequel, I’ll begin with the first one.

1) What is the working title of your book?
Wings of Skell is the first book in my series, though I’ve changed my mind on the title’s format for the whole series; I haven’t yet decided on the replacement for this story.

2) Where did the idea come from for the book?
The image of Alina in a dusty village with a bird of prey just appeared. I had to get to know her; and find out what their story was.

3) What genre does your book fall under?
Young Adult Fantasy

4) Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
Not a clue. Let me wait until the drafts are edited and I know which characters are actually appearing in each book. I guess the main character resembles Katie McGrath so that would work.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
(I hate this bit; it never feels I can do the book justice… I don’t think the first book’s very good but this makes it sound so much worse =P)
Alina, heir to the throne, flees her village when bandits come for her. Heading for the city, she seeks the faction known for helping those with magic and endeavours to take her rightful place as Queen. But the raptor who helped her flee has a connection to the Otherworld that she may not be able to escape.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
Ideally represented by an agent but as it’s currently in the hands of a publisher (no high hopes for the first attempt), who knows. Ideally, some form of official representation would be nice.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?
Nine months, though of that, only about 2-3 months actual writing time. It spent a lot of time sitting.

8) What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Not a clue. I’m not sure it’s even a finished story yet – the sequel brought up a lot of shifts I may need to account for.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book?
Skell. I had the image of Alina and him together, and of the kingdom she begins in. I just had to find out what that was all about.

10) What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?
Depends what they like to read, but there’s magic, romance, murder, adventure and myth all rolled up, so if that’s your cup of tea, then great.

I quite like the format of this, so I’ll probably do another for the sequel, and possible for my current WIP too. We’ll see.

As for tagging, I tag Sorcha and anyone who reads this and writes 🙂 Leave a link in the comments so I can read it, too!

In Light,

Rose

Month XII – the iii,ii,i plan

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Rose in Personal Notes

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Tags

3/2/1, Autumn, dancing-with-limitation, seasons, WorkingOnStuff

Well, it’s December and someone forgot to tell me…

I’m home from university, though this holiday is broken up a bit, and I’ve completely failed to keep you updated.

Last Month – November

So what did I do for November:

* applied for a Doctorate course at 4 institutions
* attended another interview

* got accepted to 3 placements

* turned 1 down

* began training for 1 (start in January EEEEE!!!)

* attended a steering group meeting, two focus groups and began helping out at another Anger Management course
* got my old job back/ renewed

* attended Masters course classes

* had dinner with friends twice

* submitted 3 pieces of work for University
* extended the mini-ebook

* created a worksheet
* began new Skype Shivanata sessions
* ran the meditation society
* attended Witchfest International
* got so wrapped up with my other website; The Phoenix Mind

December – Current Activities and My Final Plans

This is the final month of 2011, so I’ll be putting up a post about my word of the year; Strength in a separate post. This month really is all about tying up loose ends and making sure I’m prepared for January and the new year.

My final training with Mind is this Saturday, I’ve begun my essays and I’ve nearly finished reading my book (I’ve read half as many books as I usually do!! Just 11 instead of 25 (or the 26 I read in 6 months of 2010!).

I’m focusing on The Phoenix Mind throughout this year of my degree, but I will be updating hopefully at least twice a month here, because I really want to keep my spirituality and reading as strong focuses in 2012.

Tomorrow I’m heading back to Brighton to see a friend fromAustralia. She’s staying until Tuesday, so I’m going to my training on Saturday morning, then to the Right Here Ice Skating Social on Monday. I arrive home Tuesday evening in order to prepare for the Yule Party we’re holding for my other half and his family. Otherwise, Christmas should be quiet this year.

This month, exercise is the main goal.

iv/iii/ii/i

iv. Finance: frugal-fifteen
Still on hold; although I made £15 again this month and have a garenteed day of work (£50) in January, to help with the outgoing £1,551.50 of tuition fees and £321 rent… >_>

 

iii. Exercise; physical strength
I managed to keep up my physiotherapy for two months, but have dropped it for the last two weeks. Back on that and re-introduced myself to the wii fit yesterday – with some lunges, push ups and triceps extensions.

ii. Diet: energy/vitality
I’m working my way to waking at 8am again – been waking at 10-11am, but this morning got up at 8:25 and will be getting up at 8:15 tomorrow to catch the train toBrighton. My protein is high, and I’m taking my iron tablet regularly again.

i. Meditation; spirit/strength of mind
Right now, I’m actually happy to led meditation fall to the side. I have so many goals right now and I’ve begun to feel the emotions within my body as a general practise, and don’t feel that I need it as much at this point.

Strengthening aspect for Month XII
For November I focused on quietude. This month requires more integration; into society as a friendly person and into myself with the knowledge and the skills I’ve been learning in my training.

What are your plans for the month?

In light,

Rose

Buddhafield Festival: Aspects to Nourish

18 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Rose in Adventure, Healing, Insights, Personal Notes

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, buddhafield, buddhism, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, meditation, processing, reflection, SlinkySummer, soar, WorkingOnStuff

I’m back from Buddhafield festival. I had a really good time overall, although I left early and had to spend 8.5 hours travelling with the flu; including a 90 minute train where there were no seats. I sat on my suitcase in the corridor because I could not physically stand without support.

Feeling a bit better today but that experience is clouding the overall sense of how I found the festival. So I shall leave the actual review stuff to another day.

There are a couple of aspects I loved so much that I want to bring them back here though; to the real world:

Checking In and Out

Mindfulness Cue

Listening to my body – hunger and feeling

Receiving

Documentation

Dance!


New Systems

[Context: I was on the early morning shift at Buddhafield Café – arriving at 7am and leaving between 1:30 and 2pm]

Each morning, we grabbed some breakfast and headed into the café space; where we sat on carpet-covered crates and ate in a circle. Once our co-ordinator joined us and most people had arrived; we began Checking In.


The Check In

This is a process where you explain how you’re feeling, what you think you’d be best doing today and anything you want the group to know. Common comments were “tired but good” or “did a workshop last night which brought up some stuff for me; feeling a bit fragile, can I do washing up?”

– This process allows everyone a space to really feel how they’re feeling.

– It also tells other people to avoid you/subjects/give you hugs/be extra kind and so on. If a job needed doing and I couldn’t do it; I knew which people weren’t feeling tired or who was in a good mood to ask if they could do it. The awareness of others was a big part of how we got each shift smooth; despite any hiccups [the wind blowing out the grill fires, having no hot water and the gas bottles dying for example].

– I also felt I knew my colleagues much better on a personal level; which helped me to feel okay helping with other jobs. I know I may have thought 2that’s not my job; you do it” but knowing how people are and that we all have days where we pick up the extra bits; it was so helpful to have made the strong connections.

– we also had dharmashamin attend our check-in and check-outs to provide a little “bit of wisdom” or Buddhist thought – e.g. “notice when you’re feeling content or not”, “can we all share one thing we’re grateful for?”, “notice if there’s anything you want to give; such as a hug or do another person’s job without them asking”.

After our shift, we met again in a circle and began the process of checking out.


The Check Out

We finished our shift at 1pm and met in the Dome with our lunch to discuss how the shift went. We discussed how we each felt, how we each thought the shift had gone. Then once everyone had expressed feelings; our co-ordinator then talked through any practical things about the good/bad bits of the shift. We also took this time to reflect on Dhamrashamin’s suggestion for the day; saying if we’d remembered it and what we’d experienced.

Not only did this help me to separate work from non-work; it kept me grounded for that space in integrating a thought or awareness for a few hours a day. It was good to say goodbye to everyone at the end of the shift; unlike in a normal job where you may say bye to your one friend/close colleague.

This practise also made us aware of the different energies of the different roles.

After a hectic shift on the counter, the washing up people said their space had been quite relaxed; despite being just 3-4 metres form the counter while the cook said she’d made her curry pot almost a little shrine where she poured love into her stirring. Being aware of other roles are; which ones drain energy and which ones leave you feeling energetic; this again helps with the flow and knowing who to ask to do what how each person must be feeling during the shift.

All this greater awareness came from spending just a few minutes with each person at the beginning and end of the shift. And it meant we felt like a fellowship; cared for humans; not worker bees needing to be fast and earn a lot.


Mindfulness Cues

As we worked, anyone was free to ring the mindfulness bell which gave us a 5 second or 60 second gap to just notice how we were; to get back into our body and to perhaps call to mind Dharmashamin’s thought for the day.  You could take as much time for it as you needed/wanted, but this depended on the job – half way through serving customers, you can perhaps only take 3-5 seconds; but that’s sometimes enough.

On Saturday, I attended a talk by Amarantho who said whenever he sees a church, he uses it as a cue to be aware, to come back to his practise. I think I could do this pubs or buses around Brighton.


Listening to the Body

He also spoke about going on retreat and having no schedule; which forced him to listen to his body to know when to eat; if he wanted to meditate, to read, etc.  I began to get good at this while I was at the festival; I’d eat when I felt hunger as I could take as many free meals as I wanted from the café during the week. On evening I went to see a band who then said “this isn’t sitting down music, we want you up on your feet and going crazy” at a time when I was tired. I liked the music but didn’t feel it was dancey music.   I took a good 5-10 minutes to debate with myself

“I feel tired. I want to sit.”

“You’re now the only one sitting. Others want to dance who can’t get in.”

“But I’m so tired. I hurt. Standing hurts.”

“Then let’s go”

“But the festival finishes now. This is my only chance to see them.”

“Well, decide because we hurt. We need to respect that. And standing for 6 hours tomorrow morning at the café to add onto anything we do tonight.”

“Okay, let’s go back.”


Receiving

A couple of comments struck me form that dharma talk from Amarantho.

“Not one person in here isn’t pure, innocent. You have all your energy. You can always have your energy.”

“We just want our love received. As a baby, we are loved and our love is received.”

“Presence is just Pre-essence. Get out the way and be present”.

“Offer each other presents. Offer presence.”

“The Universe only blesses”.

And lastly, “Receiving yourself after taking a breath.”

This is the practise done when cued to midnfulness. Ground, get into your body and then see how you feel. Take a breath, maintain your energy and receive yourself.

I’ve not heard that phrase before but it struck me quite strongly. I can receive myself. Just as I am. Take a breath, and accept/receive myself.


Documentation

While I was there, I wrote a diary. Not a diary on lined paper in sentences. Scribbles of feeling, thoughts, notations.

For example, one page says:

 “Saturday. Feeling versus acting. Worked counter – money, complaints, refunds, choc bars, teas, water, muesli, fruit. “feel sad but can still smile & be friendly”. Fragile + feeling ill – eyes, head, stomach. Jacket, cous cous, roll. Phone charge. Nap! Shower. Naked man. Pancake!!! Ritual sparklers. “other languages say ‘I have sadness’ which doesn’t define their being” (e.g. Spanish). I owe Hannah £6.50. feel body need sleep + ;left music. I don’t have a kissing-cheek friend. Bellydance show.  Began panic- got into rhythm.”

That’s enough for me to know what I did that day. At the café we were told to be mindful of how we feel, but that we had a choice to act as we wanted. Hannah and I were spoken to by a random naked man as we walked through one field; very odd/new experience for us both. I noticed a lot of friends just kiss each other on the cheek while giving hugs. I know what I did on shift, what I did after – music, bellydance show & the ritual. I have pancakes, jacket potato, cous cous and a bread roll. And so on.

I want to keep this documentation up if I can. I’ve not been good at it in the past; and it’s essentially what I tell Phil each evening so maybe that’s enough; now I’m back. We’ll have to see how it goes and how I feel about it.


Dance!

I attended Introduction to Tribal Bellydance, Instinctual Body, and part of Creative Movement 1: Balancing Yin and Yang. I remember how much I love to dance and that I don’t do it much a University for fear for being too loud/people hearing. However, it used to be a really big part of my life, my practise and I want it back. So I hope I can reclaim that a little. I’m going to look at more formal classes and see if anything sparks my interest and until I find something, commit to dancing once a week for a minimum of ten minutes.


Home

Wow, that was longer than I expected. I’ll be writing a couple more pieces about my experiences at Buddhafield, but those are the really important aspects I want to bring home in some form. I’m planning to add a checking-in process into my morning ritual, to listen and receive my body, to dance regularly and to document something in some way.

In light,
Rose.

Day off! In which I declare silent retreat for no reason

04 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Rose in Healing, Living Metaphor, Personal Notes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

dancing-with-limitation, metaphor, processing, WorkingOnStuff

I declare today a no-leaving-the-house-day!  /except to take the bins out because it will make me feel better/

And I’ve decided to make my bedroom into a playground/lighthouse/cottage.

 

As an only child who traditionally “doesn’t like people”, having to watch everything I do and say for over 50 hours this week, then talk to housemates and attend my course Thursday and so on, I’m shattered.

 

Today is a day of Introvert Recovery while Connecting with Friends.

And I’m yelling “SILENT RETREAT!”

I’m adding a beat to everything I do [paws! *makes puppy hands!*]. Well, -pawses-, trying to experiment with doing so.

 

The Plans

So, it’s a Monday. I’m working Tues-Friday, Monday, then Tues-Sunday is a festival where I’m working. Today is a time for respecting my capacity. With incense.

 

As part of Introvert Recovery, I’m singing and finding pockets of silence. I’m also meeting Sacred Intentions; reflecting on the past 6 months and the next 6. So, here’s the programme for the day:

 

-tidy room as it makes me feel ick to look at right now 😛

-listen to shivanaut snack call

-read OBOD bardic gwersi

-read some books

-read psychologies magazines

-novel-editing?

-game?

-talk to my best friends on skype ❤

-batch cook healthy food for tomorrow night

 

Are you getting enough space and time? How could you take an hour of retreat this week?

 

In Light,

Rose

Gentle Exposure in Re-definition

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Rose in Healing, Insights, Personal Notes

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, WorkingOnStuff

Since Spring 2010, I’ve been exploring the aspects of redefinition. I began with soul searching and a failed attempt at starting a business.

Come Spring 2011, I got my first ever paid job [which I lied in order to get], my business took off, began teaching, made a commitment to Druidry and Buddhism, and began to specifically explore the role of re-definition in how I label my role; and more recently, how I interact with the outside world.

 

Essentially, due to a couple of traumatic incidents, I don’t like being in my body.

This is something I talk about when I discuss breathing meditation, body scans, reiki, dance or feeling ill. It’s a phrase I say a lot. “Well there’s breathing meditation, but I feel really squeamish about my ribs”.

 

A Form of Truth

This is partly true.

Background Information: Traumas involved being in hospital unable to breathe and panic attacks where I couldn’t breathe.

I dislike feeling my ribs, I tend to control my breathing when I should be watching it, and I hold my breath a lot during stressful times [or times I’m thinking about stressful stuff; which is often].

However, I enjoy dance. I can focus on the out-breath, or put on music and just let my breath follow the tune. This allows me to sit in my body without panic.

I’ve also found that feeling my pulse in my wrist is something I can come back to.

Similarly, my Buddhist teacher KJ suggested I have some beads or something to fiddle with in my hands – so instead of “coming back to the breath”, I can come back to the sensations in my fingers. Which are part of my body.

 

Re-Writing Terminology

“I dislike being aware of my breath.”

“I enjoy following the rhythm of my heartbeat.”

“I love the tingling in my hands when I bring the energy of awareness to them” [ie. In Reiki]

Those are very different to “I hate experiencing my body”. But the more I said it, in my mind and to others, the more I found myself panicking before I’d even begun the breathing meditation.

 

Gentle Exposure

This week, I’ve tried to be more aware of myself.  I concentrate on my fingers and toes feel when I’m awaiting sleep. I take deep breaths of the rain-filled air outside; enjoying the coolness. I dance. I rest in my chair; back straight and shoulders relaxed.

And I notice.

 

– Just lowering/relaxing the shoulders has an instant softening effect.

* Getting up to do three touch-your-toes stretches and sitting back down, awakens me.

~ Feeling my stomach as I breathe deeply, isn’t too unpleasant.

 

I nod at the “be mindful” advice and take time to smell the roses. But sitting at my desk, I do everything I can to avoid being anywhere but my head.

This week, I’m doing my physiotherapy, daily shivanata, stretching 3-4 times a day and trying to feel different parts of my body.

 

What could you redefine? What are you not noticing?

In light,
Rose

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