Fears

Tags

catharsis, stormy seas

Laptop is still dead, so I’ve come onto campus early to say hi 🙂

“hi”

Warning: this is just going to be an incoherant mindrantthing.
As someone afraid of the dark and anxious in silence, the next few nights are going to be hard. I usually leave my laptop playing music very softly as I sleep – providing light from the screen and nice classical music. Last ngiht I used my mp3 player, but charging it takes hours, and I need it for using public transport, which also makes me nervous. So the next few nights, it appears i’ll be facing some of those fears and trying to get a good nights sleep; despite housemates coming home loudly at 4am. 

I’m trying to think of it as a media retreat, with time and space to face these fears, but that doesn’t always feel comfortable (though I guess that’s the point).

If anyone else is having sleeping issues, I recommend this post by Havi 🙂

To those of you who attend Anderida Gorsedd; i’ll be there Sunday for Beltain. For the rest of you, I hope to be back on your screens in a week or so.

Take Care,
~Rose

Trials

Tags

potential, soar

My laptop has died =( It’s either visual card/drivers failure or a loose/broken connection within the screen itself. It’s a little bit annoying, to say the least.

I’ve borrowed my housemates laptop in order to type this/check emails/twitter etc and since my written blog posts are all ona  hardrive I can’t access, I’m going to be a little brief and incoherant.

Yesterday, Aiyana and I went litter-picking at University; followed by a small ceremony at the eastern point of campus. It was great to get back into the spirit of celebrating the Full Moon and means I’m now really looking forward to celebrating Beltain this weekend.

So many people are doing amazing things at the moment, i’m not sure i’ll remember them all, but I want you to know I’m so proud of all of you and verily excited!!! Squeee!

Elizabeth‘s continuing her Reiki Journey, Victoria is doing this AMAZING workshop call, Lisa running her Love That Room course, Josiane teaching ShivaNata and a couple of people moving house.

You’re all wonderful stars.
-Rose

Experiments

Tags

potential, shivanata, soar

You may remember two weeks ago I finished The Happiness Project (by Gretchen Rubin). I started to talk about it and then life came along and I never really got round to posting all these un-finished blog entries about it.

However, the wonderful Elizabeth over at Retinal Perspectives has reminded me of the book with her idea to have a year of experiments. Hers is based on Shannon’s experience, while mine triggers the rough plans I made at the end of the book. What I could do in which months, some key themes and the resolutions.

But I think Elizabeth has got the key.  I’m joining her in her journey to practise ShivaNata every day. And yes; those two minutes while the kettle boils counts.  I start today, the 25^th April.

I’m so excited lately to see people following their hearts. It’s a beautiful thing to witness; the opening of a heart and the shimmer of potential beneath their eyes.  To anyone doing what you love, I’m so proud of you, and I care for you. You’re wonderful, just as you are.

You’re all Stars.

“I’ve been thinking ’bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Begin to look like home

I’ve been thinking about everyone
Everyone; you look so empty

But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars, I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself.”

– Stars, Switchfoot.

What changes would you make?

Take Care, (I support you)

Rose.

Support

Tags

enchantress, Insights, potential, soar, vpa

I have so much to say, and no clue how to say it. I guess I’ll start with updates.

I’ve been making real headway from the Very Personal Ad I posted two weeks back. I’ve noticed opportunities I know I’d have shrugged off elsewise, I’ve signed up for some things and I’ve had a little breakthrough regarding how I can tweak my degree to point me in the right direction.  I’ve been jotting down notes in lectures, sitting on the grass between classes and generally filling a few pages of my notebook with mind-maps & lists. I love my lists <3.

Drawing
Overall though, I wasn’t feeling too strong this week; so Thursday afternoon I sat down with a HB pencil and dug my putty rubber out from under all the clutter in my drawers. And I drew.  I drew myself, in my enchantress state.

It took three attempts and I went through three types of outfit. I’m not happy with the standard of my drawing when it comes to the traditional flowing robes; so I dressed her in clothes I’ve worn myself, as a reminder that she is a part of me; a facet of my personality: not some aspirational and unreachable ideal.

 It’s a pleasure to introduce you to Enchantress Rose.

And to bolster myself after creating her, I went over to Leonie’s site and bought her Goddess Workbook. I’ve no idea why I didn’t do it January when all my twitter friends were dropping praise for it all over the net, but I guess I wasn’t ready then.

Support 
Which leads me on nicely to the next point of notice. This week I’ve had a massive urge to support.  
I’m seeing people starting to teach, moving to their dream house in the country and I’m finding myself buying any workbook, course or teleclass I see; purely to support someone who’s following their dreams.  To see these people make a living from helping people and doing what they love; it’s inspiring beyond belief.  

So far I’m supporting Love That Room and Finding Your Thing, as well as the Goddess Workbook.

Signs
As a part of moving forward in my VPA-thinking, I did an interesting visualisation this morning. I sat down and worked out how much it would cost me to attend one of Havi’s events. Adding in costs of getting to/from airport + flights and food for those retreats without it included- I’m looking at between £3,300 and £4,900. And I want it. Sooo much. I’m getting some interesting vibes and I’m taking my visualisation to interesting places.

I also sat down and did a Tarot reading for myself.  Could it be any more cool that this?

An underlying theme of patience (relax and it’ll come to you) with the specific steps of Creativity, Ripeness – ready to share gifts & Possibilities.

So, things are moving, which is nice. Slowly but surely, I’m feeling right.
~Rose

Kitten Conversations: i

Tags

enchantress, kitten

Conversations with a Fear called Kitten

I’m suddenly feeling really anxious. It’s just hit me. I’m not sure of a cause. So it’s time to step into Enchantress mode and see what we can uncover.

Kitten, darling, would you come sit with me upstairs? I’ve a fresh glass of milk and we can put on some awesome music. Hey, my little familiar; my black bundle of fear, with your gorgeous yellow eyes. What’s up? Come sit with me.

 Let’s stop and set intention. Take a breath. Be patient Rose, she’s hurting.

You’re tensing my muscles and wow, okay; I feel panic. What’s wrong?

Okay, let’s get up and just look outside. We’ve learnt from our cottage retreat that opening the window and taking a couple of deep breaths can solve 90% of our immediate problems.

Look at the gorgeous blue sky. Okay sweet. How can I help you feel less vulnerable? We’re not in pain, we’re safe here. You’re in a locked room with the window open onto a gorgeous blue sky. Look, there’s a coal tit in the tre- no sweet, you can’t chase it.

As I saw this bundle of fluff try to get down from my arms to chase a bird, I thought of children. 
She’s just a young being of spirit; a sacred and confused being. She has instincts that tell her to get onto the windowsill and chase a harmless bird just as she has those that fight anything that will threaten my safety.

Is there something that’s triggered this?

I looked down at her cute yellow eyes and saw her expression change, as if speaking.

“It’s all so confusing.”

She buried her head beneath her paws and my grip on her tightened in what I hoped would comfort her.

“I’ve never had to be so responsible. You’re getting into all these new things and there are threats and could be any number of dangers from any of them and what if I can’t watch your back from every one?  Things aren’t simple anymore. Those things you thought were simple aren’t.”

“Hey, okay. Shhh. It’s okay. Let’s have a look shall we? I’m not doing anything I’ve not done on a lower scale. Last term I tried lots of new things; these are just more/longer versions of things we’ve done before – and I was fine after those.

I have people here who care about us. Aiyana wouldn’t let us be in pain. If she saw us hurting, she’d be there to support us. As would Ant and Rebecca. If they couldn’t support us then we could all share somewhere; we can share the burden and cost and be each others penguin.”

(In this sense I’m referring to the fact that penguins huddle together for warmth, support and community. We’ll share our resources and gives and receive in equal measure. You, dear readers, are my penguins like Havi has commenter mice.)

 

“Hmm..” 

She seemed to tilt her head in thought. So I waited and watched. I let my body relax, realising how tense it was and waited patiently for any change in her posture or expression.

 

I’m so blessed to have you looking after me. I understand that you’re only trying to protect me from pain. I would like to express that pain is just a signal that we need to stop and take care ourselves. I’m so grateful that you try to warn me of that before the pain sets in. I’m doing everything I can to stay safe and well – how can I reassure you in this?

She didn’t seem sure of how to respond, so I’ll give her time to work out what she needs from me.

)~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~(

It’s really odd to be talking to myself (you may have noticed I talk more than she does..) in this way; but it also feels kind of natural, if you know what I mean. It feels almost, freeing, to speak to myself as a young, scared kitten. I guess since we all feel fear, we may all have a scared kitten who’s just trying to protect us.

Yours In Safety,
~Rose & Kitten

Summer

Tags

meditation, potential

It seems that I may not have internet for the next week. This makes things difficult. I met some more resistance about posting here; so this post is likely to be short.

Firstly, I want to point you in the direction of a collection of short letters written by Havi. I’d secondly, like to show you Elizabeth’s gorgeous poem without words; and finally, I should probably write something of my own.

A Review

The last four weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I read a few books and I explored my own healing.  I also had some interesting revelations about metaphors; finding one that suits me; I danced until I found some patterns and learnt to ask for help.

I did a bit of clutter clearing, exercised and meditated. I took some steps toward generosity and patience, and I drank an average of 8 cups of green/nettle tea a day. I’m looking forward to being back in Brighton. I’ll be able to take a step toward my possible careers, to eat 5-a-day and to give up chocolate again. I’ll be able to attend Pagan events [pub moots & Sabbats], to try new tai-chi/yoga/meditation styles and to spend time with those I care about.

Brighton

I’ll miss the cats, and dislike doing washing; I’ll get annoyed with my housemates and I’m sure I’ll get stressed about exams. But overall, my health is better at University. I eat more healthily; I exercise more and I follow my heart.

Here’s to Summer.

Take care,

Rose

P.S.   I love Trees.

Rumination

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights

On p274 of The Happiness Project, Gretchen speaks of rumination and of how women seem to ruminate more than men. She then brings up the “area of refuge”, which is generally a positive experience (memory or trigger) that you can focus on to bring back positive feelings. And boy, does that sound like an AMAZING idea or what?

Healing

I think this is a key lesson for me at this point in my life. When my mindfulness slips; I visualise those conversations with people I feel negatively toward and obviously, focusing on negativity; for me, isn’t healing. At the beginning of this blog, the first entry I wrote (though I didn’t post it), was titled “healing” and I spoke of how I wasn’t sure what was best: remembering the negativity I’ve survived vs the focus-on-positives-only approach. I wrote that “as an individual human being, I’m not sure how to go about healing. Some days, like today: I meet up with friends, try something new and let my hair down to be Rose. Others, I feel that moping and moodling are the day’s prompt: that reflection and analysing the past may be beneficial.

Some believe its good to talk about it, let it out or relive it until it’s less painful. Others talk about the power of focus and bringing about what we think about, intention and being in the present moment.”

Focus

Earlier in the book, Gretchen also mentions that not expressing anger leads to dissipation while focusing on it makes it more common. This reminded me of something Havi said about dealing with shoes: (Shoes refer to people saying mean things about you)

“Not interacting with people throwing shoes at me means not having to build all that processing-and-recovery timeinto my schedule. Because even if you delete a shoe, it still hurts.”

I’ve discovered that, for me, not analysing and going with the flow, trusting life to take me where I’m needed – makes me happier. As I know about the law of attraction, the power of language and that our perceptions create our reality (all the stuff I’ve learnt and I feel I could teach), I went with it and made my own Areas of Refuge– things I can think of and focus on without any negativity in them.

1. Pigs   – my partner wants some in our garden once we live together.
2. Djali (the goat) from the Disney movie “Hunchback of Notre Dame”
3. Eating Pizza with Aiyana
4. Making daisy chains with my partner and a friend in Summer 2007
5. Winning [completing] National Novel Writing Month 2009 with Variations of Light: Time Heals  at 50,123 words in just 29 days
6. Getting into Sussex University
7. For doing my Reiki level 1
8. Co-running SS and CMB societies at University
9. The Hawk Conservancy
10. Being at the library with my partner in 2007 [holding hands under the book stands]
11. The ‘rehab’ section of the 2003 modern take on Pride and Prejudice film
12. Having my birthday on Lundy Island
13. Pied Wagtails [who came for breakfast on Lundy- I could have touched them, they were so close]
14. The Sight/Fell by David-Clement Davies
15. The Moon Riders/Voyage of the Snake Lady by Theresa Tomlinson
16. Apple Jjuice
17. The butterfly pendant my partner gave me after our first month together [I’m very picky with jewellery and he’s always got me PERFECT items ^_^]   ~ Make that any jewellery he’s give me in our three years – the butterfly pendant, a ring, a bracelet and a locket with a lock of his hair in it.
18. The night in Wales where my partner and I sat talking for hour about everything from dentists to wedding rings to dining room table styles.
19. Yawning Matches
20. LOTR
21. Queen of the Damned

Could you shift your mental focus to increase your happiness?Do you have any areas of refuge?

~Rose.

Insights & Pleas

Tags

breaking habits&labels, Insights, meditation

Firstly, I had a mini-epiphany, inspired by my note-taking and meditation on The Happiness Project:

There’s very little that can’t be remedied by opening a window to hear birdsong, take a deep breathe, and sip/splash your face with water. ~ Rose.

I’ve had a couple of these epiphanies this weekend, which are fabulous to be experiencing. I blame ShivaNata and taking time to really think, feel and trust the flow of every day. For now, I want to share some thoughts and feelings that were inspired by a wonderful post at The Fluent Self.

Last week, Havi wrote a post about Insights. And I wanted to share three here, and why they particularly spoke to me.

Insight #9: People are kind.

Or: there are kind people.

Like the friend I made who decided to help me before any of the yoga studios in Berlin would work with me.

This term, I found myself in a house of students who smoked drugs in the house. The smell, the smoke, the loud movies in early-morning hours all worried me. I wasn’t sleeping, the air in the house wasn’t safe, and I had to write almost 20,000 words in 5 weeks.

And I actually trusted a friend with this information. She let me yell about these people, she offered to come over and support me if we held a house meeting and she let me sleep in her room one Thursday night when I couldn’t cope with it anymore.

Insight #10: Support takes many forms.

Even when your perception of the world based on your experience is that there is no support, there is still support.

The housemates said I was being unfair: that it wasn’t every single night; that my bedroom door was shut so it shouldn’t bug me (because I don’t need to go to the kitchen for tea/food or the bathroom?).

I felt alone. And because of how powerless I felt; knowing that University is socially accepted as a time for booze and drugs. And I did something really amazing for me. I asked for help.

I mentioned it to people who knew the students in question and they offered to sit in a meeting, to text the students about how that was enough for one night. Even in my doubt about how I acted, I found support. I’ve never been so supported by actions. It really is true when deeds are said to be more powerful than words. I found support.

Insight #11: The job of my anger is to keep me from being sad.

Wait. All this anger is covering up a ton of sadness and loss. And fear of experiencing it again. But mostly sadness.

Most of this action was spurred by anger. I spoke to the three people who supported me: I called the students names, I came into lectures with “this time they did THIS as WELL” and I basically let my anger say it all. Even when I spoke to one of the students, it was anger that let me say it.

I started with “I know you enjoyed it and you’ve finished your work – you want to celebrate” and ended up close to tears of anger as I basically yelled at him.

But that anger was a cover for the fear and worry and pain I felt. I felt betrayed as they’d said they wouldn’t do this. I felt scared because I know the effects of second-hand smoke, I know I’m at risk. I was worried about my grades from the sleep-deprivation.

If I’d broken down, I’d possibly have been put down as an emotional female. PMS or something. My anger kept me from the pain until I took action.

I needed those reminders. There’s a reason you do what you do. All those monsters are trying to protect you. Kitten is just trying to protect me.

I know all this, but sometimes I forget.

This is my reminder to be kind to myself. After all, I’m currently trying to work out what to do with my life and to bridge life as a teen/student to a twenty-year-old woman with honour, patience, understanding and love. Can you help me? I’ve a compass but no map.

Take Care,

Rose

Feeling Right: An Inspired VPA

Tags

enchantress, metaphor, potential, soar, vpa

Feeling Right:
An Inspired, Very Long, Very Personal Ad With Many Metaphors

As I read The Happiness Project, I find things jumping out at me. For example, on page 66, Gretchen talks of the “feeling right” aspect in life. I guess that’s what I slid into as I settled into University life. Suddenly I was free from the same 7 meals in a cycle [my parents have a set 7-day menu]; I could read instead of tidy my room; clutter was minimal in student accommodation and I had a housemate I really got on with. Thus I had time to write blogs, read, dance, sing, chat and meditate. I could meet each need.

Then Gretchen goes on to talk about her career as an author and I recognised something. A part of me keeps writing. I don’t have the talent to turn a storyboard into a novel [though my ideas are good] and I feel that poetry is too much of a subjective topic to consistently feel good with [though I’ve been writing poetry for over 6 years].

However, I feel like one day, I’ll have a story I need to tell. And I know that if that happened, I’d be a good person to tell it; I’d have the skills to tell it. I feel in my core that I will be a writer of some kind.

When this hit me, I panicked over my degree in Psychology; but to understand life, a Psychology degree is useful; let alone when writing about characters. Thus my degree is to purpose; just maybe not the one I’d first thought.

Teaching

Tonight, Josiane from Kimianak spoke on her twitter of teaching ShivaNata to some storytellers. And something in me recognised that as something I feel I could do. I recognised some potential. I saw the step and thought “yes”.

I do not want to be a teacher. But I want to teach. I’ve discovered I don’t want to teach children. Okay, let’s not quite rule that out yet, let’s say I do not wish to teach in an institution.

College, University; in both you have students who don’t wish to be there. They want the post-grad study or a decent job; but they don’t have a love of learning.

I do not possess the patience [and I highly respect those who do] to deal with those who don’t want to be there.

Life-coaching, writing a book, holding courses/retreats or selling products like e-books to my “right people” seems to really click with me. I have No IDEA how I could formulate this. How could I, a nineteen-year-old student who’s never had a job have something to offer others? What could I teach?

I’m not far enough along any path [shivanaut, minimalist, graduate, writer, painter, Reiki, psychologist, wild-plant-use] to be able to offer one service. I think the only thing I’m particularly skilled at is making people laugh and maybe visualisation. I’m not entirely sure how I could do that online or with strangers.

To be honest, I feel I’d want to split my focus and teach many things. Like Havi at The Fluent Self – she teaches ShivaNata, destuckification, biggification, monster-talking, calming-techniques, VPAing and more. To be honest, any of the blogs on my blogroll appear to cover a couple of topics.

The Mission

I read Havi’s page on the monster colouring book and one particular section of her letter spoke to both me and my monsters (Kitten was meowing):

“Part of my mission (and I say that in complete awareness of how cheesy and stupid that sounds but there just isn’t a better way to put it) is to be your Negotiator. It’s a kooky-ass gift, yes, but I can talk to people’s monsters. And they will talk to me. And I am immune to any of the crazy shit your monsters pull on you.“

Part of her MISSION is that she CAN DO THIS and thus DOES IT. She has something I wouldn’t have logically thought “she could use that gift to support her/her playground” and yet she does.

The Ad

So how could I do that with my own? You’re probably all raising your eyebrows at me now but that very idea just threw me. I could do what I love, what I’m good at; and I could support myself [at least in part] with it.

I guess that’s a VPA and a half, no?

So first I need to know what my skills are and then I can work out methods each could support me: either by relaxing me, providing me with money/gifts [skill-swapping] or building foundations from which I could get money/relaxation/growth.

This blog, I believe, is a safe haven for this kind of realisation [especially since I’m doing ShivaNata every couple of days]. Therefore I’m going to take Havi’s Very Personal Ad for her Playground and see I can use the template. I hope she won’t mind.
This is for Clarity.

What I know about you

You are a collection of skills I love; perhaps an enchantresses spell-chest or a locket with my special magical powers… yes, that sounds right. I’ve all these powers and I need a chest of tools. I need a wand and conical hat to channel the energies to those who need my help.

I know you’re a practical method of providing others with the help I can give.
You are charming, charismatic and thus enchanting.

You find yourself at home on this blog and you fit me like a glove. You may even be a form of beautiful spell-casting gloves I put on to distribute my gifts and services.

I love you. I love using you to reach people and I love the task of reaching them. I love using the gifts you channel.

You are light. You may even be wings because you soar. You shine and you’re an infusion of pure potential. Of goodness and of awe.

What it is like to be with you

I feel so powerful and capable and wondorous. I’m so buzzed and full of energy and I love everything about you.

I know that you will allow me to grow; to discover new powers and gifts; to learn as I teach. You will be the tool that helps me learn new crafts; and then to teach those new things.

You feel so right.

Where you are

On your way to me.

Pluses (We don’t have to have these things but we’d really like them)

It would be amazing if you gave me some form of foundation for supporting myself financially. Even if I couldn’t see how at the time. Perhaps you will lead to opportunities in a years time that then give me income. If I could gain substantial income from you. From loving you.

Important Qualities

Light. Safety. Possibility. POTENTIAL. Grounding. Soaring. Playful. Joyous. Belonging. Creative Inspirational. Not necessarily a new idea.  Magical is a MUST.

Ways this could work

You could find me via meditation, Shiva Nata or someone who post you to me [via comments, twitter or email]. I could see you for sale [a course, book or see how someone else does this via a blog].

Someone may read this entry and know how to help. Please, I trust you, email or tweet to me from my blog. I can ask around twitter and leave this on Havi’s next VPA post in case others can help you find me.

Remind myself of how important and how possible this is.

I’m going to focus on what it’s going to be like to be connected to you, and figure out the rest as things begin to move.

My commitment

To be patient.
To appreciate you.
To dance with and enjoy you.
To respect you.
To cleanse you regularly and only use you for good. For light.
To take care of you when you are in need of repair or replenishment.
To breathe.
To dance.
To cry.
To laugh.
To listen.

Thank you for reading and if you have anything that may help; please leave a comment, tweet to or email me.
~Rose

Cottage Retreat – Week iii

Tags

cottage

Week three of my “cottage retreat” has arrived. My second week was only 3.5 days in the end, but I did relax over the weekend too, at my partner’s parent’s house; so I’m counting those days as well. The week was an attempt to focus on Poise, where I:

* Read Enchanted [Nora Roberts]
* Did Yoga, ShivaNata, Meditation & Reiki every couple of days
* Sang and danced
* Caught up on blogs I hadn’t read in weeks
* Met up with an old Friend
* Had meetings with a metaphor mouse
* Finished my 21-day commitment to daily Reiki self-treatments
* Spent two days with my partner, eating new foods and relaxing with his parents

Week three begins today, and shall contain four [8 hour] days of peace without parents. I’ve two choices really. I could choose the words Strength, or Quietude. I know what next week’s word is, and I know I want to get back into my strength exercises this week. I’m going to do yoga twice this week, and meditate daily. I want to practise ShivaNata daily and get outside for a walk once.
This week is also about work; apparently one of the coursework pieces should take us between 50 and 60 hours to complete… I figure I should start that while I have time. I posted an application form today too, so wish me luck!

Well, let’s go with Strength for now. I’m reading Gretchen Rubin’s book; The Happiness Project this week, and have to confess I’m already in love with it. It’s a perfect meld of psychology and philosophy mixed in with real-life application and human opinions. Highly recommended.

I guess I better stop writing this and just get on with the yoga. I don’t enjoy it as such; but it makes meditation easier and does seem to make the day go smoother. I’ve just got to motivate myself to get downstairs.

Take Care,
Rose.