30DOD – 16 – Inspirations: Prayer and Meditation

Tags

30daysofdruidry, druidry, obod, paganism

 This is the sixteenth post in the 30 days to Druidry series.

I began meditating in the Summer of 2004. I found Paganism in May/June I remember spending the summer holiday nights cross-legged on my bed, either feeling the buzz of my skin, seeing colours in front of me, or feeling for the ground with an invisible root

I discovered this energy I’d never been told about, and found myself able to cope with the suffering of my daily life. I could come home and close my eyes and see the forest with its lake, and a wolf stood beside it. I could hike that imaginary forest and find the cubs. I could visualise the colours of my aura and change them at will.

My imagination had needed a release before I learnt to paint and write; and meditation was my space.

Prayer was a more painful space for me to be within. During a tough space in my life, I prayed to the Christian God, and got no response. Once I found Paganism, I found that my prayers were answered, but in a different way. After some answers, I began to use prayers to give thanks. I began to sit on the floor of my room and have conversations with the Gods.

These days I don’t really pray much, but I have this awareness of a presence. I meditate and I have a space of quiet a couple of times a week should I need to hear something. I also give thanks on a weekly basis, which is more let out to the earth and air; but if a deity wishes to hear them, that’s fine too.

In my opinion, meditation is my space and prayer is the God’s space.

In light,
Rose

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2012 Word Breakdown: IV. Connecting to Practise

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13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here. If you missed all three, here’s the third, on emotion.

 

IV. Connecting to Practise

‘Practise’ is a term I realised in 2008, meant “life”. Each experience is a practise run for the next. This hour is a practise for the next; which I’ll learn from and use in future events.

For this goal, that’s kind of how I’m covering it: life.

And having though of it like that, I feared this post would be long and rambly. In fact, it’s short and simple, though a little jumpy due to nature of change and realisations.

I want to reconnect with the spiritual energy I found in 2004, which gave me hope. To get back to learning about energy from books (physics) and to practising it (Reiki, meditation).

 This includes getting outside at least once a fortnight to experience the energy of the land, of the trees.

 

Practise of Wellness

This is a recent finding.

I posted over at the Phoenix Mind about my steps back to mental wellness. This involved having systems for when life was tough, and if that’s not practise, I don’t know what is.

As of last week, I’m back to exercising. I have a six-minute routine I’m doing twice a day to get my abilities back to a decent level, covering core, arms, legs and balance.

I have a couple of comedians DVDs on my laptop for times I just need to laugh, and I found that novel-writing really is my best escape.

I’d like to find more items to sit in this first-aid-box of life’s negative turns; so that I can always bring myself back, once I’m ready.

What have I missed?

So that leaves me with a few goals from my original 13. The learning and getting outside come under other aspects. The two finalists come under all the aspects, so let’s have them now.

–          Read 26 books this year (Legacy, Practise)

This comes under all four; and in my first post outlining the themes, I shared the books I’d be reading throughout the year. I have to say that, as of January 28^th I’ve read 4.5 books, which is well on track for 26 in 12 months.

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study (Practise, Legacy, Space, Spirit)

Related to spiritual space, I’d like to practise paganism more; to study, attend or partake in ritual, prayer, meditation.

So that’s my 2012 planned, and January almost done with. I’ll be back in February to share my January accomplishments and February’s plans.

In Light,
Rose

2012 Word Breakdown: III. Connecting to Compassion

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, on space, head here, or my second post, on legacy, head here.

This particular post has a lot of personal information, so please be respectful when commenting.  

 

III. Connecting to Compassion

In 2000, I began to experience Depression.

I had “nervous break downs” as someone termed them, though I now know they were “panic attacks”.  I disliked my school, where I had come from a normal school (being top of the class) to a private school where I was suddenly lower-middle in each class (and bottom in some!).

I felt unsure of this move, felt useless as a student (if you’re a regular reader, you know I’m obsessed with this scholar idea) and felt unsafe wherever I went. I was a loner; having no actual friends until I was 14, and was bullied by three particular people through those five years.

To add to this, I didn’t live in a safe space either.

 

The Emotional Relationship

My relationship with negativity began here, with depression and trauma; with PTSD-like symptoms and with crippling nightmares. I learnt to get by without sleep, to cry silently and I spent each break and lunch time in the basement of the old school, writing poetry.

I began to exhibit symptoms of OCD, panic attacks became more regular and teachers began stopping me in the corridors to ask if everything was alright at home.

Even now, I couldn’t tell why the hell I said Yes. I’d not been threatened to not tell anyone, as if no one had suspected I’d tell anyway.

Essentially, though the various experiences from 2000 to 2008, I’ve had a few traumas which have in turn caused PTSD, ED, OCD, anxiety and depression. I ended up in hospital, with a plan to run away once I was out.

I couldn’t see a way out. 

 

Systems

As I’ve now attended the same 6-week Anger Management course and will be doing so for another course in February; I’ve discovered systems for dealing with Anger. So much so, that I’d say anger is no longer my biggest emotional issue. However, that means that my Guilt, my Terror/Fear and my Worry are now really paramount in my mind.

So, if I have systems for one, why not for others? I’ve got the books ready and I’m planning to develop my own system for dealing with these issues as best I can.

Again, I’m not fully sure how this will work, but I’m documenting my journey to compassion through over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share.

This is my search for a system of self-compassion; of healing and of calm. 

 

Role of Peacemaker

This is an investigation specifically into Compassion and nonviolence. I like the idea of nonviolence, yet grew up with an aggressive family, and a submissive family; and unfortunately, anger DID work VERY effectively at reaching the goals of the aggressor.

Again, as I find out more about the peacemaker label of the Druids, I’m feeling that pull of heritage and the knowledge that I want my children to understand the power in nonviolence – I have to understand my feelings on the subjects. I’ve begun to have experiences with compassion as a force, and that has inspired a more structured search through the library of this emotional state.

I want to make my own mind up on my values, and to really explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others.

Once more, I’ve books on the subjects, the OBOD Gwersi, and I meditate – this is my journey and I’ll be speaking about it here; with essays of theory, examples of life and possibly theories of structure.

 

Speaking and Silence

Then, there’s this relationship sharing with my own views, and my feelings. This act of complaining, the “whose had a worse life/essay/volunteering mess-up” challenge and my fear of silence (which leads to me babbling on about myself for no reason).

 I want to explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from.

 

Next time I’ll cover the final aspect of Practise and the aspects of my potential I’m hoping to reach for this year.

In light,
Rose

2012 Word Breakdown: II. Connecting to Legacy

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, paganism, plans, potential, reflection

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap each month. For this first month, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

If you missed my first post, head here to view my plans around Connecting with Space.

 

II. Connecting to Legacy

Legacy is a word I don’t hear much among the students I see around university. Nor is it a word I hear from parents or friends of the family. However, I once saw a talk by Gary Vaynerchuck where he said:

“Legacy is greater than currency. Has everybody completely grasped that your great, great, great grandchildren are going to watch and see everything you’ve ever done? I think about that every single day. I want my grandkids to be proud of me.”

Legacy is important.

 

The Legacy I’ve Watched

In July 2011, I was told that my Grandfather had suspected Dementia.

I won’t go into the massive details but he is the only male in my entire family I think has played his cards right, is a fully worthy human being and has done the best he can. He has the kindest heart and the gentlest manner, despite fighting for his beliefs; his mind has always been sharp and he loves to walk up mountains despite being quite old.

Legacy is finding out that I am like him, that I have some of that amazing greatness in my potential. I know of his life choices, his mistakes and especially the things he regrets but I think were the right choice.

As a Bardic student, I’m now learning the legacy of the Druids; the poems that taught of magic and emotions, and as a reader, the parables which told of the morals (Western) humans usually abide by. This has given me a glimpse of how much knowing the legacy and heritage of a belief, a label or an action can enrich an experience.

Legacy is important, and none more important to me than my own.

I want to know and understand my legacy – my family tree and the heritage of the family I’ve made for myself.

 

Connecting with Values

I’m looking at the genealogy within my bloodline; of the Irish great-grandparents, of the quintessentially English grandparents, of the French surname and of the Estuary English dialect I speak mixed with my mother’s odd northern pronunciation.

This is a delve into the past; of who I was made to be, how I got here and what possibilities lay within my veins.

I’m trying to bring that sense of welcome into my own personality; for nothing is more important than honour and hospitality in my grandfather’s eyes.

Unfortunately, I grew up miles from him and only one mile from other family members, who value educational terms, grades, money and… well. They said “That’s allowed then” when I told them my other half was studying Medicine.

 

This year I’m exploring the labels I’d always thought I couldn’t change, and deliberately adopting new ones through re-definition.

 

Emotional Legacy

This includes the labels around being a student, a wife, a mother; all the things I hope to be. I want to really understand where my values are in how to treat differences (my family are generally quite judgemental), how to deal with emotions like anger and my views on non-violence.

This links to my third focus a little but essentially, emotional legacy covers my past labels around emotion like anger solves everything & weak people cry, and covers what kind of legacy I want to pass on to my friends, to my kids, to my friend’s kids.

 

I’m not yet sure how to go around this, except I’ve begun a journey along my thoughts of compassion over at The Phoenix Mind, which I’ll be updating each time I feel I’ve something to share. This will also cover the third aspect of my theme for the year; emotion a little too.

 

Spiritual Legacy

Finally, I want to continue the journey I began at 11 when I lost my faith in Christianity.

I want to really understand my choice not to continue with that path, to be able to explain why I’ve chosen Druidry, and to get my head around what I want to pass on to my children.

I want to understand the heritage of the land; this sacred isle surrounded by water and covered with history and mythology. And in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it.

 

Legacy is all about my past lessons and what I want to pass on.

Next time I’ll cover the aspect of Compassion and the emotional aspects touched on here in more detail.

In light,
Rose

2012 Word Breakdown: I. Connecting to Space

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, fitness, nature, plans, potential

It’s January. Last year, I did a 3/2/1 recap. This year, I’ll be doing a similar thing at the end of the month with my outcomes for month 1 and the plans for month 2.

For this first month though, I’ll be talking a little more about my four focus attributes: space, legacy, emotion and practise.

 

I. Connecting to Space

Practical goals such as budgeting, exercise, healthy food, exploring minimalism, keeping space for spirituality and sleep are interesting in terms of a student who straddles two bedrooms but no external house-space.

 

The Goal of Space

Connecting to Space is a major goal of mine this year, and covers my bedroom/living space, getting outside to explore the land and my bodily space; what I feed it, how I treat it and how I sleep.
My bedroom in my parents house is my only “me-space” – the only space which has my belongings in it. I think the cabinet in the living room has a statue I made when I was 3 and a porcelain doll which I wasn’t trusted to keep safe as a young child; but all my living items are upstairs; in this medium-sized room.
At university, it’s a similar story – one room holds a study, exercise space, ritual space and a bedroom, all encompassed within a room smaller than my home bedroom.

No wonder I can’t get rid of half the stuff… a lot of it would live in a living room if I had one.

 

So this year, I want to streamline, to minimalise, to find the right amount of stuff that will keep me happy but make my rooms pleasant and easy to find things in.

 

Again, being a student, I have a load of crap I won’t need once I’ve graduated (unless I get into the PhD in which case it’ll all be bundled up once more and taken to a new tiny study/bedroom –sigh–), but can’t yet part with as I’m still using it.

However, I’m looking at getting rid of the junk freebies from first year and clearing the floor space around my desk so that the carpet is clear and usable again (I like to dance and do exercise; both of which have caused injury as I’ve trod on a plug or broken something underfoot).

 

Sacred Space

This process should then leave me a space to sit and meditate, a space to place candles and incense, and a space to just keep clear to make the room feel spacious. I can put down soft cushions or just put images on that part of wall and sit/lie beside it.

 

I’d like to set up a proper altar I can use for my pagan practise. And then use it regularly.

 

Outer Space

I’m a Pagan who dreamt of being a wildlife camerawoman, who painted landscapes each time the school holidays arrived and who wants to work with birds of prey…

And I know nothing about this land; the plants which grow here, the animals which live here and the history of the areas.

 

I want to connect with the trees, to climb the hills and photograph the flowers. Once a fortnight will be my beginning goal; spend 30 minutes each two weeks outside, dedicating space to the outdoors.

 

Bodily Space

Then we have my body; where food and exercise come in. I want to keep my brain going with knowledge and my mind healthy in terms of well-being; and then eat fresh foods and get the right amount of sleep and exercise. That alone can be a massive job, let alone as part of four separate foci this year.

I want to cut down on the processed foods; on chocolate and crisps, instead turning to healthier alternatives and getting my body used to gaps between meals. I want to get a good exercise routine going, and to keep my sleep and brain as healthy and effective as possible.

If you’ve been following my blog for long, you’ll know I’m both a fussy eater, and terrified of weight loss. I want to have energy and be healthy, but I mustn’t lose ANY weight as I’m still technically “underweight” according to the BMI measures and despite eating well over 2500 calories a day in chocolate, potatoes, marzipan, nuts and actual meals.

However, I am going to try and shift my unhealthy eating habits; but do so with a vigilant eye on the scales (once a fortnight).  I’ll be making pasta salad and ham or marmite sandwhiches for lunches, re-heating rice (zomg, no!) and taking my own flasks of green tea into University.

 

So I’m starting with some little rules to guide my new year in terms of food:

–          Protein every day, three forms a week (three types of meat or one meat, quorn & vegetable protein).

–          Potatoes!!! At least once a week on average!

–          Pasta more than pizza

–          No more than £20 a week on general upkeep (two big shops a term will go over this)

–          Use up that crap in the cupboards!!!

–          Make own puddings for “sweet treats”

–          butter + basil on sweetcorn, toast or potatoes as a “savoury snack”

–          dried banana, canned peach slices, tinned pineapple and sultanas in everything (cereal, snacks, puddings, lunch?)

 

This of course stretches to other bodily actions though, such as for exercise:

–          daily physio

–          daily stretches

–          daily arm exercises

–          twice weekly shivanata

–          weekly dance

–          fortnightly walks in nature

 

Then in terms of sleep; get to bed by 10:30pm and TV off by 11:45pm. I have a 9am start on Thursdays this term; while my earliest was 11am last year; so those times may alter slightly as I’ll be waking at 7am.

 

Finally, I have a few brain exercises to keep myself in the scholar mindset, to ensure a continued flow of neuronal messengers (the more you use, to more produced) and of course, so I can learn as much as possible this year:

–          mentally add up products around supermarket

–          read a book a fortnight

–          Shivanata every 2-3 days

–          colour code lecture notes

–          watch 3 educational/informational programs a week

–          study OBOD gwersi weekly (even if only one page a week)

 

So those are my goals in terms of space. Next time I’ll cover the aspect of Legacy and what heritage means to me this year.

In light,
Rose|

30DOD – 15 – Inspirations: Awen and Creativity

Tags

30daysofdruidry, druidry, paganism

 This is the fifteenth post in the 30 days to Druidry series.

We’ve finished the Foundations and Relationships prompts and are now meeting Inspirations.

Awen

Awen. A term I’d never heard before the 3^rd of May 2009.

A term I first heard at the Long Man, with a Scottish Druid standing beside me, singing the Welsh word with around a hundred others.

Yet, it’s not simply a word used in ritual. Awen means “divine flow, inspiration” and is used to contact high power in ritual and in creative pursuits. As an artist works, she is connecting to Awen, as a poet speaks, he is invoking Awen.

Writing

I found poetry in 2005, and reached a point of writing more than 4 poems a day. I’ve over 500 poems written, four of which are in anthologies. I’ve now moved to stories; to novels – and of course, my two blogs. Although the content has shifted, the feeling I get when I’m writing hasn’t changed much; and that too, is Awen.

 

Creativity is an interesting one – I can think of jokes and creative messages, I draw and I used to paint – yet I’d say my most creative moments now are not writing novels, singing or painting, but in how I manage my time, how I move through the world.

Living Spirit

Creativity is not just a pen on paper, it’s how you move, do you dance or do you walk?  Are you a creative being? If someone blocked your path, would you not think of all the other routes to get round it? If someone threatened to harm you, would your mind not give you the words to calm the storm or disarm them?

 

Awen and Creativity are not two words that are only for bards; they’re for dancers, singers, writers, artists, post-women and businessmen… Humans are creative and we can all connect to Awen.

 

In light,
Rose

30DOD – 14 – Relationships: Rites of Passage

Tags

30daysofdruidry, druidry, obod, paganism

 This is the fourteenth post in the 30 days to Druidry series.

This post has been really hard to write. I’m not even sure why. However, I need to finish it in order to continue with the other prompts so.. here goes.

 

The balance between spirituality, work and education is one close to me.

The original reason for my consideration of further education was to stay close to my Druid Grove. It’s difficult to get from my parent’s house to the grove space in time for the ritual, and to get back, even if I left the ritual early, would not get me home before 11pm, walking 45 minutes home from the train station in the dark. And that’s with the shortcut along the passage by the railway lines; and I wouldn’t trust it.

Choosing to do an MSc was something of a rite for me because I didn’t ask my parent’s permission. And this year, I forgot to keep them updated on applying for my PhD.  I’ve begun to follow my instincts and my dreams, not the wishes of those who barely know me.

For me, these are rites of passage in a way. I began to take action based on what I truly want and need, without checking for permission or asking opinions; without second guessing myself.

 

In June I bought my year of Gwersi of the Bardic Grade; the first of which talks you through a self-initiation ceremony. I remember my original ritual; back when I dedicated myself to the Gods on the 4^th of June 2004; with a ceremony I thought up myself.

The lesson arrived in.. end of June, and then in November, I felt ready to actually perform it. Eight lessons in, I was ready to initiate myself as a Druid, within my inner grove.

Having a set procedure that allowed for my own personality in terms of alterations but also had the same structure that hundreds of people have followed; it was a really interesting space.

 

And that ritual has led me to this focus on compassion. I was already helping out with this Anger Management group for Right Here, but now each lesson I re-learned through helping out was related to peacemaking and the odd times I’ve covered sections of the teaching I felt this ripple of energy surge through me as I invoke that aspect of my personality; the Druid aspect, the peacemaker.

I’m still very new to this journey, and hope to have many more years of exploration of this topic; but that was a real rite for me, a real alteration in and of myself.

In Light,
Rose