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I have the most wonderful and supportive partner. He has helped me to see how I beat myself up and I’m slowly learning from him that I can be kind and open with myself. Having said this, I believe it’s important [especially in our situation] to remain independent and to remain as separate characters.

I’ve started to notice lately that I’m feeling much stronger and independent; as a woman with skill, knowledge and passion.

I’ve noticed that my main escape from life comes in the form of visualisation: Especially focused on the future. Sometimes these are mood-lifting; while others bring me down. Sometimes I spend the day (in my mind) with a close friend, my future kids or my partner; while at other times,; my mind brings to the foreground someone who hurt me.

Since I’m feeling stronger on my feet, I’ve decided I should make an effort to be excited alone; to be happy in myself, to be beyond contentment and to work as myself: To stay in the present moment.

I’m not sure if these revelations came from my recent ShivaNata work [I’ve had the DVD less than a week; but have been doing daily practise], from analysing myself with my psychology training or just from my own moodling and noodling; but yesterday morning I got up and decided that:

– I wouldn’t do a forth zero-chocolate day

– I would take time to read; regardless of what I “feel like I SHOULD be doing”

– I would read both a leisure book [see right-hand side bar for the books currently on my bed-side table] and Psychologies magazine [which vaguely feels like work as it relates to my degree].

– I would do some work on my lab report, but not force myself to do anything I didn’t want to [e.g. I did the statistical analysis until I got bored/stuck and then decided to switch to pouring through papers for my introduction]

– I would drink lots of green, jasmine and nettle tea

– I would dance to the YMCA (Village People) and It’s Raining Men (Weather Girls), despite not being familiar with the beginner positions

– I’d remind myself often that I’m a capable, independent woman with power and potential

– If any negative memories/people came to mind, I wouldn’t let them stay

– I’d keep Kitten in my lap and stroke her whenever negativity surfaced

– I’d take care of my body by moisturising my hands, eating fruit&veg and sitting up straight

However exciting and empowering these decisions feel, I think it’s to be expected I’m also a little nervous, a bit *flail* and may well need some support in this adventure.

And if anyone can see which box I packed my nettle tea in, I’d be grateful if they could let me know.

~Rose

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