Conversation: Compassion and Politeness

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, reflection, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

When did it become more important to be polite than compassionate?

I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life in an unsafe state; switching between anxiety, panic attacks and depression. At university and through this blog, I found supportive places.

I joined an online Native American Spirituality group who confirmed to me “no, that isn’t okay.” I made friends with people who believed in the power of positive thinking and even had a lovely card and bright magnet saying I was part of something good. I sought out yoga and meditation, took my vows of attempting pacifism through druidry and began a gratitude practise.

I offered my home and my listening ear to those who needed it, including people I didn’t like – because they deserve to be listened to – no matter what my feelings were for them.

~

Now I’m an adult. I have a job and a flat. I’m meant to have “more control” of my life. I’m meant to be polite and kind, to balance me-time with social-time and having been told for 18 years to SAY NO and Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure – suddenly I’m supposed to go to this party and you must eat that last cake and well they’re family so you have to.

People are different, and it’s about time this world actually thought about that.

How is it fair to put me through anxiety, anger and a sleepless night just because you enjoy something? When did it become unacceptable to politely decline? When did it become okay for people to make snide remarks about things that have always been so? They are some things I have never liked. To say I “suddenly” don’t like it now after 20-odd years of not liking it is not appropriate. And rude. And shows you’ve not cared enough to listen before.

I’m so tired of trying to dodge the “don’t be so politically correct” comments as if being equal and compassionate is something negative.

I’m sick of not being listened to because they’re already speaking over me. There’s that phrase from Fight Club about people who: “actually listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.” But I’m noticing more and more that they don’t even bother with that courtesy.

They talk over me. And they do it as if it’s not incredibly rude and demoralising. As if I’m not an adult with the same rights as them. 

It saddens me to think that even the people who can be understanding and talk about being caring don’t take the time to listen or think about why someone is saying no.

And it worries me that you can’t just say “no, thank you” any more.

If you ask me to JUSTIFY why I’m saying no, you need to find a new friend. Because it’s not necessary and not always appropriate. Especially if I then trust you with the answer and you then try to change my mind – pressure me into it. So just don’t ask.

Is this just me? Or is this actually something important we need to be addressing? What’s more important – compassion or social-acceptability? 

I know which I value more.

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2013: The Year I Became a Writer First

Tags

1-4, 13/4, 3/2/1, decluttering, novel, obod, paganism, plans, reflection

In March, I had the sudden idea that of these seven attempted novels, I kind of love three of them, and maybe I should begin looking at this whole… writing thing… in more detail.

I ended up with a website, new blog, and creating a 120,000-word edited draft. I also stopped blogging here, in order to blog twice a week over at that one. If you haven’t seen my writing ramblings and want to, here’s the link: K R Green

~

Now it’s December. I moved into a new flat two days ago, and I’m evaluating my year.

It looks like a year ago, I decided to focus on the same things I’ve been focusing on for about 4 years, just using different words:

Food, clutter, strength and learning.

But in the last year I also had to work out how to be an adult. I started driving five days a week.  I now had a 9-5 job, five days a week. I have no close friends or family even living in the same county. Around April-May time, I accidentally stopped eating. I couldn’t meditate. By September, I stopped attending my social and spiritual groups, including writing groups.

Writing has been my only constant in a world of uncertainty.

But next year I want to bring a little bit of my real life back into my world; not just the fantasy ones I create.

~

2014 is just around the corner. 

I’m not sure yet what I want to do with this coming year. However, what I do know is that there are a lot of changes ahead.

Did I mention that I got engaged in July? If not, then that happened, and planning for moving house, possibly jobs and then wedding/hand-fasting planning is all on the cards for 2014.

1 . De-cluttering

So ~ if you’ve been following my previous blogs, you’ll not be surprised to learn that de-cluttering is back up to the top of my list. I moved into a new flat two days ago, and it took 4 car-loads on Saturday, and then around 7 car-loads including the furniture on Sunday. My parents, who arrived around 8:30am Sunday, didn’t leave until 9:30pm.

Moving in with the O.H. sometime around August, therefore, means I need to probably get rid of about 50% of what I have currently. And I need to try to persuade him to de-clutter at his end, which will be interesting…

2 . Spirit

This year, I’ve completely shut off from my spiritual practises. The closest I’ve come to any connection with my beliefs is that I finally bought a lovely little Buddha statue for my altar; having spent around four years looking for one that spoke to me. It actually made me laugh that after that wait, I found one that is close to perfect for how I visualise Buddha – and ended up finding it in Evolution for £2 with it’s own “gift bag” complete with stereotypical images of pebbles and sand…

But he’s lovely and serene.

I really want to get back into my OBOD course and to get at least a vague once-a-week meditation practise back. Or even just re-connect with the Gods again by chatting to them every now and again. When I found Paganism, the first thing I did was balance out prayers asking for things with prayers of thanks. But one of the key aspects of Paganism that fit for me was the imminent/manifest aspects of deity. This isn’t a lofty God watching from a cloud; it’s a man stood beside me offering me a pint as I moan about things.

And I miss that cautious friendship I began to foster with my deities.

3 . Routine

My job enables me to build my own diary to some extent. If I book to see a family at 9am in Crawley, I leave early to get there. If a family wants to wait until 10am because they need to clean the house and eat breakfast after the school run, and they live nearby, I leave a bit later.

But this means I’ve lost my morning routine, which impacts my bedtime routine. And a sleep-deprived Rose is a grumpy Rose.

4 . Writing

Finally, I want to officially set myself some goals for writing. I’ll outline these in detail on my writing blog in January, but essentially, I want to be seeking agent representation by August, in time for FantasyCon 2014.

So that’s my goal list for 2014, now named the “1-4”:

1 – Remove items and minimise bringing new ones into my life.

2 – Chat to the Gods.

2 – Complete more of OBOD.

2 – Meditate where possible.

3 – Wake at 7am each morning. Maybe 7:30 at weekends.

4 – Meet writing goals for 2014.

4 – Continue to strive for the annual “Read 26 books” challenge.

What sort of goals do you have for 2014?

The Written Word: A Love Affair

Tags

blazing-crusade, connect, LiteratureLessons, novel, potential, reflection

This morning, I got my first official rejection. This led to me buying a kindle and a load of new books to read, as well as increasing my motivation to edit my novels.

 

~

 

I grew up with books.
In a way, I grew up inside books.

And most of my core beliefs now stem from some of the books I read as a child.

Having beliefs that your parents disagree with, and don’t understand, was always a real problem in my house – but when I look back on those series, I realise the true importance of the written word on who I am today.

The first set of books that taught me about life were by Kenneth Oppel: Silverwing, Sunwing and Firewing. This was the first set of books I’d read where a creature died, and it’s spirit was free to continue flying through the trees (it was a bat), and I began to question the aspects of life and death as experiences.

Next, I discovered the strong female figures – Lyra from His Dark Materials Trilogy, Myrina from Troy and the Warrior Women Series, Magda in the Forestwife Series, Sabriel in the Old Kingdom Trilogy and Renn in the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness.

Then, the ideas of family and honour arose as I read The Sight and Fell by David Clement-Davies.

 

Moving Forward

Today, I bought a second-hand Kindle on eBay. I place all blame on my sister of the written word, and her bad influence. She too, is an avid reader and writer, though our favoured genres are often very different.

This led to me spending a lot of time in the Kindle online store today, and, unfortunately, to buying a lot of paperbacks.

The idea of paying more for a Kindle book than a new paperback, let alone a second hand paperback, doesn’t sit well with my beliefs, nor my wallet.

But I bought some books.

 

The Importance of Reading

As far as my reading habit goes, this is a brilliant step forward. I’ve not been reading much over the past couple of years, nor even in the past two months, even without a TV in my flat. Finding new authors and series to trial has re-sparked that love of reading and I’m already back on track to reaching this year’s goal of completing 26 books minimum, and ideally aiming for 35-40.

Through university, my reading list considered a lot of books on quantum physics, spiritual exploration and psychology or writer non-fictions…

As a writer now editing my books, I feel that now is the time to keep myself immersed in good writing – now I’m less afraid of accidentally stealing ideas as the plot is already laid out – so I can focus on making sure my tone and style really expresses the places and people I’ve created.

So, as a fan of books, who loves hearing about other books, here are the purchases I’ve made this weekend:

“Fire” – Cashore, Kristin
“Graceling” – Cashore, Kristin
“Geist (Book of the Order)” – Philippa Ballantine
“2k to 10k: Writing Faster, Writing Better, and Writing More of What You Love”  – Rachel Aaron [Kindle Edition]
“Runemarks” – Harris, Joanne
“Gardens of the Moon (Book 1 of The Malazan Book of the Fallen)” – Erikson, Steven
“The Spirit Thief (Legend of Eli Monpress)” – Aaron, Rachel;
“The Agency: Volume 2” – Dianne Sylvan [Kindle Edition]

I will of course be rating these on my reading list.

 

Writing

Also, March is my month of novel-editing, and here is the latest update:

Day: 3
Pages Edited: 17/314 and 0/310
Scenes Edited: 3/71 and 0/80

Don’t forget to find out more about my books from the my writing page.

2012 in Review

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, plans, processing, reflection, seasons, WorkingOnStuff

This year, my word was CONNECTION. As I love planning and list-making, I ended up with four categories of connection, and one sub-category per lunar month:

Connecting to Space:

–          Streamline & minimise

–          Set up a proper altar I can use for my pagan practise

–          Connect with the land every fortnight

–          Cut down on the processed foods; and get a good exercise routine going, and to keep my sleep and brain as healthy and effective as possible

Connecting to Legacy:

–          Understand my family tree and the heritage this land; and in exploring Celtic spirituality, reach out to the Germanic and Saxon paths which have influenced it

–          Explore and redefine my labels

–          Read 26 books this year

Connecting to Emotion:

–          Explore my feelings of non-violence and compassion toward others

–          Explore why I feel the need to express everything, spend more time in quiet and see where this fear of really stems from

Connecting to Practise:

–          Reconnect with spiritual energy (Reiki, meditation)

–          Practise redefinition by default, practising what I preach

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study

–          Discover why I’ve chosen Druidry, and what I want to pass on to my children

As you may be able to tell from the lack of posts about this challenge, I didn’t do as well as I’d have hoped…

The Breakdown

Connecting to Space ~ I did make a lot of minimalism progress, moving into a flat and removing extraneous items. However, this needs to continue.

~ I did not set up a working altar for the whole year, but I did a lot of work in terms of ritual with others and I’m still working through the Gwers. I also completed Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course, which included work on my altar.

~ I did connect with the land often for the first six months, but by July, that faded. Now I have a car, I’ve noticed it’s even less likely to happen.

~ Processed foods dropped a couple of times in the year, but I need to get serious about this again. I lost motivation for exercising too, so I need to work out what made this ‘not matter’ before I try again.

Connecting to Legacy ~ The Gwers talk a bit about the legacy of this land, and the family tree is in progress.

~ I’ve done a LOT of work on labels and redefinition this year. From starting new placements, completing an MSc and driving to moving out to live alone and starting a new job.

~ I used to be an avid reader, but that slipped. So I planned to read one book per fortnight (26). At this rate, I’ll be at 24 by New Year’s Day. I might even consider that a success, as last year I only managed 12.

Connecting to Emotion ~ I’ve spent a lot of this year coming to terms with the fact I’m not naturally non-violent, but actually do seem to be naturally compassionate. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling “overly-sensitive” since trying to find my innate care for others.

~ The fear of silence is less of a fear now, though I haven’t yet found the stem of it.

Connecting to Practise ~ I reduced my meditation, but did more Reiki this year

~ I’ve been quite good in terms of practising what I preach; even releasing the Alchemy of Redefinition course.

~ The final two items about paganism and how I practise are still in progress. Studying for an MSc meant I didn’t study the Gwers as much as planned, and the travel meant missing group ritual and moots.

So the way I count that, I’d say that’s 7/13 partially done, but only 4 fully completed.

Extras

Despite these failing, I did loads of things that I didn’t expect to!

* I finished a novel and submitted it to a publisher
* I wrote the sequel to that novel, ready in case the publisher was interested
* I watched 68 educational television programmes
* I visited Brighton Buddhist Centre
* I spoke as part of group ritual
* I saw the Dalai Lama speak
* I read 24 books, which is double last year’s number!
* I created an e-course and a couple of freebies in the library
* I connected with two old friends for the first time in years

Two Thousand and Thirteen

So, where to?

This is difficult one. I’ve spent exactly six days in my flat, and just five days at my job. The idea of planning goals when I’m in a state of finding-my-feet feels counter-intuitive.

Also, having made such progress in 2011, I’m disappointed by missing out on so much.

So, I’m keeping it simple.

2.0.1.3

Two Words ~ Seeking Stars  (or Star-Seeking)

Zero Expectations

One Theme ~ Improvement

Three Goals ~

1. Reduce excess: food & ‘stuff’

i.      Cut down on junk food
ii.      Head for minimalism to the point where I’m content

2. Create: relaxation & exercise

i.      Meditate, dance & put systems in place to deal with work
ii.      Get healthy/fit so that I feel happy in my own strength again

3. Bury myself in learning

i.      Read books and watch educational programs
ii.      Continue home-study courses

How was your 2012?

In light,

Rose

NaNoWriMo 2012 ~ Finishing Early

Tags

13/4, dancing-with-limitation, Insights, LiteratureLessons, novel, reflection

I finished my novel last night.

I wrote the ending two scenes and the epilogue about 4 days ago, and then went back to fill in the 10k that was missing. Not the best way of writing, but it did have some positives.

Yesterday I finished the final scene (one about 5 scenes before the end) and though “I barely described anything. And I’ve killed off a villain who I only introduced two scenes ago. Really, he’s not much of a villain.”

So I wrote more – I added background and some actual details about the key places like rooms visited a lot and after finally reaching 79k – matching the 79,200 of the first book in the series, I found the 800 words weren’t too much of a stretch.

I still don’t really have a villain. But I’ve been writing these characters since January. I have written or planned the storyline in this world EVERY DAY since the beginning of September.

I love it, and I’m sick of it.

National Novel Writing Month

This is my forth year of “winning”, but it’s the first year I feel I’ve won fair and square. I didn’t plaugerise another storyline, didn’t have a character sing a song all the way through, including the chorus every time… and I didn’t panic on the final day and paste Finnish poems and their english translations into the “epilogue” (See last year for details).

I finished a storyline, with a few days to go, and on average that meant writing 2,900 a day. True, I’m living at home with no job, but this year I tracked my rough hours, and worked out that I only spent 65 hours writing. That’s an average of 2.4 hours per day, which could be fit into an evening after work, if necessary.

 

NaNoWriMo, for me, was the first step into realising I could create my future. It was my step in to Redefinition Alchemy and the first thing that made me go “if I want to be an author, why don’t I write a book?”

In hindsight, it sounds like a ridiculous comment; but thinking about the labels of “an avid reader” or ” a lover of artwork” – are you actually doing the things you want to be in your future?

I wasn’t.

 

Where To Go From Here

I’m not sure. I have a lot of ideas for the third book – possibly the last in the series; though to be honest, I’ve built up a world that I’d love to explore for many more hundreds of words. But the main characters from book 1 will end at book 3.

And the only way to improve my world-building skills is to practise.

 

Currently, I’m taking at LEAST four days off and then I’ll have a look at Resilience again – probably my favourite idea for a book ever; though I’ve tried to re-write the 20k I have about 15 times. I can’t find the right place to begin the story; so I’m going to try and plot it as if it’s a new book.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

In light,
Rose

NaNoWriMo 2012 ~ Half Way (in which I think I know what I’m doing and then find I don’t)

Tags

breaking habits&labels, connect, dancing-with-limitation, LiteratureLessons, nanowrimo, novel, plans, potential, reflection

It’s November 11th. I should have finished last night at 16,667 words. Instead, I went to bed with 25,151 under my belt.
The 50,000 word aim in 30 days has always been “do-able” for me.

I met the goal in 2009, though the ideas were very much stolen from another set of books.
In 2010, I wrote the ideas myself but had a lot of loose ends and half-written scenes. I didn’t finish the story, though a book was ‘done’.
In 2011, I used a lot of cheats to win.

But I’ve completed it 3 years in a row.

This year, I decided not to use any cheats. I use a # to denote the end of scene, as is common practise in manuscripts. I have chapters which adds 2 words every 5000 odd. I even have two-half scenes at the end; which I hope to include, but didn’t want to happen until later in the book. I wrote them in the 30 days, so I’m counting them.

I thought this year would be harder, and so far it is.

As Rachel Aaron pointed out on the forums, a sequel is harder.

As someone who’s currently finishing up the third book in her second series, I’m of the opinion that second books are the hardest, because you’re still figuring out the world and the characters to a large extent, only now, thanks to book 1, you can’t just change everything to suit your plot.

So I never expected to write 5,019 words on day 5. I didn’t expect to suddenly be ahead by three days. Yesterday, I wrote 5,925. And I’ve been keeping track of the actual time spent writing, to give me an average words per hour and and idea of how many hours it takes to write a novel.

I’ve been using a tag on twitter to do word sprints, where you set a time of say, 15 minutes, and see how many words you can write, and then compare it to others. I’ve begun running my own with friends and strangers who wanted to do extra ones.

This year I’ve also ended up with more people ahead of me (in terms of word-count) than behind me, which is rare. It’s an odd feeling to wake up and find people are 6-10k ahead of my own, also-ahead goal. Yesterday morning, one of my new NaNoBuddies in Aus (so it was the end of day 10 for them) was at 33k.

I thought after three years and having written the first novel, this would be more familiar. Not easier, but that I’d know what to expect. Instead, I’m wondering if I can meet a higher goal than the 50k in 30 days, and desperately trying to catch up with my friend who reached 30k as I passed 25.

If I can reach 30k tonight  I might actually finish the book by the end of the month, reaching 85k. However, I’ve only got the next four scenes planned out and I’m aware of all the things I need to do about my new job, finding a flat, de-cluttering and packing for the move, writing my blog, practising driving, doing housework, working out finances and such.

 

NaNoWriMo is always one of those things I look forward to, although I’ve attempted just as many novels outside of November too. What I hadn’t expected was the connection with others, the ability to prove I can write 650 words in 15 minutes and the way a novel kind of makes itself once your make the world and characters real.

Just create characters, set them down in a place, and they will live. 

Connecting: Best Friends

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, Insights, processing, reflection

Hope you don’t mind me posting this, Rach.

Today, my parents and I helped a friend of the family move house. Her daughter, Rachel, was there to help.

I think my mum met her at a mother & baby group, but wherever it was, her daughter and I became best friends in nursery school, and stayed like that until I went to secondary school when I was 11.

We did everything together; from learning to ride bikes (two of us on one bike was a common sight) and roller skates to sleepovers and daily fights. Rach even broke her foot the same week I broke my toe (in completely unrelated incidents I must add) and we spent two weeks at play-time sitting together on a wall outside our classrooms.

When we went to separate secondary schools, she made friends (and had friends from our old school) while I went to a private, all-girls place with only one girl from my school; who I barely knew. I made two friends in my five years there, and then went to college and made two more friends (one is now my partner, so he doesn’t really count). Of those four people, only one contacts me when I try to connect.

So in 2005, I discovered online friends and am very grateful to the three wonderfully stable best friends I still have: Kami and Josh in America, and Amma who lives in the nearest big town to where I grew up. Through Skype and smartphones, I’ve been able to see a live woodchuck on the campus of an American University and hear the laughter of these friends, despite the miles between us. I meet up with Amma an average of once every 2 years, and I speak to Kami or Josh once every 3-4 weeks on Skype.

 

Re-connecting

This morning, I met that girl again; that best friend from my childhood, Rachel. That sweet and pretty little girl who rode on my bike and whose hair caught fire due to sparklers (I think I just laughed, but we were only 3 and 4)… is now a beautiful woman living in a flat with her partner and a full-time job and car. And she studies at her job to boot! I’m in awe of how much she has achieved, as I still remember her, aged 3, crying with her hair on fire.

It felt awkward to say hi to her again, as I’ve spoken barely 20 words to her in the last ten years. This grown up lady who I’d vaguely heard updates about from her mother, and had seen the odd picture of on facebook, sounded so different to those memories I had.

But after carrying heavy furniture together down some stairs, into a van, onto a trolley and up to a storage place; I was hugging her and we were taking photographs together. I expected so much to have changed in that decade, but after 3 hours together, it was like I had my best friend back. It still felt odd to hug her, but it’s something I used to value more than anything; the feel our arms behind each other’s back; because that’s how best friends used to stand together. United against anything; inseparable.

Connections

I made a goal at New Year to make sure I connect with people more. I’ve made a consistent effort to make it to the pagan meet-ups, to celebrate the seasons and to honour the tradition of seeing my friend from college.

I’ve tried to see the possibilities and the potential in everything, and to trust that some people are good examples of the human race. I grew up with the lesson “people are mean and you need to be meaner to succeed” and it’s taken a lot of time and experiences to redefine that: to recognise that some people will give, just ‘because’.

 I haven’t had a close friend I can regularly see and hug and laugh with for ten years. And in re-connecting with my old best friend, I’m realising that’s something I’ve really needed. Especially as my partner’s three counties away and I’ll soon be moving to a new town.

I’m sure Rachel has changed, just as I have. But she stills laughs at my jokes and we still say the same things. We were almost finishing each other’s sentences again.

And now I feel sad, because I’m leaving and I’ve lost ten years of that. I hadn’t fully realised how much of a hole not having a best friend leaves.

So I’m hoping to change that by seeing her again before I move into my flat; and maybe when I return for weekends or Christmas. If nothing else, it’s a lesson about connection I’d rather learn now, than in thirty years time when we may have lost touch forever.

In light,

Rose

A Scrambled Panic About Writing Novels

Tags

blazing-crusade, connect, dancing-with-limitation, novel, reflection, writing

I’m a writer.

In November 2009 I began National Novel Writing Month with an idea, and ended with 50,000 words that looked far too much like a book I’d just finished reading.

In the Summer of 2010, I wrote another, which ended up being a part-sequel of the first. This sequel ended up at 91,000 words, and still unfinished. I have seven main characters and once I know how to deal with something of that size, I’ll revisit it.

In September 2011, I began a third novel. This is still in progress; at around 20,000 words of fully written scenes. I don’t have a clue where it’s going.

November 2011: NanoWriMo the Third… Got to 50,000 words, but it had no cohesion and two days before the end I decided to add in icelandic translations of my spells, poems and prophecies in order to boost the word-count. >_>

January 2012. Began the current novel. Got to 30,000 odd words by August.

September 2012: Realised I need to finish by October 4th. Panicked. Began writing furiously. Let human beings actually proof-read the bits I’d edited. Got two positive feedbacks. One very negative. Freaked out. Felt sick. Hated my writing. Got picked up by two more positive reviews. Breathed.

~

My mummy proof-reading my first six chapters ❤

Here I am. September 19th 2012; working on my (technically fifth) third proper story-line.

I have 36,374 words of well-written, proofed work. I have 9,000 odd words of notes/ scenes to be edited and scrap i’ve kept as a “just-in-case”.

The minimum is 75,000 words for submission… that’s 40,000 more to write and edit.. and those 9,000 to sort out something with.

By October 4th. Then I need to edit and re-write and edit and proof and then submit by the 9th.

The time-scales are already ridiculous – but I’ve written 50,000 words in 30 days. I’ve written 91,000 words in 50 days. I’m unemployed. I have a vague sense of where I’m going. I should be able to do it, if I focus and breathe and plan and work it all out as I go.

~

Yet, as each new day creeps forward, the panic rises. I had a month to write 50,000 words. I now only have 14 days to write 40,000. This isn’t good.

Each day I feel this anxiety, not even writer’s block; but an inability to write what comes next. I stare at the page, fingers poised over the keyboard, and I feel sick.

~

I need readers, editors and critiques. I need the energy to see this plan through; to keep writing. I need support, connection and time-outs. I need to plan what will happen next.

I need to edit the things already critiqued. I need to edit it and then re-sent out the edited bits for more critiques; for new critique.

And I need to eat meals, sleep at night, talk to my mum, drink tea and speak to my other half.

I need to give a speech tomorrow, to attend a job interview next week, to keep applying for jobs. I need to keep clearing out the crap in my room, I need to look for a car and a house to actually keep driving because taking 4 days off brings back the fear.

I need to get over the overwhelm.

~

It’s a gorgeous blue-skied day outside; and I can’t justify going for a walk because I should be here, writing. I know I won’t write, sat here, but nonetheless, I am paralysed, chained to this laptop and the next clear steps for my character to walk.

Unable to write, unable to see the goal being met.

Unable to see the final dream, of being a published author.

Defining Paganism and Spirit

Tags

connect, paganism, reflection

On Monday, I finished my dissertation for good. I left it at 9pm and returned the next day for one skim-read before I printed it off. On Monday night, I made myself a hot water bottle, a nettle tea and sat down to read the blog posts I’d been adding to a tab collection over the past two weeks.

The first one I read was this one, over at Pantheos. Drew Jacob speaks about how Paganism may one day be in the world, and then asks for readers to distil the message of Paganism.

One passage particularly caught my eye in his descriptions:

When entering or leaving a forest; when taking in a mountain view; at sunset or sunrise; when you first see the moon. On entering a city, or a sanctuary. Anywhere you cross from one place to the next you may see people show a little sign of respect. Like asking permission before they barge in.

And suddenly, the voice was there in my mind. “I want to do that, in my Life. I want to ask permission from the place to be there.”

I’ve become caught up in my studies, in my conditioning, in my anxieties. I curled up away from my community a few weeks ago and refused to leave the house to attend a Druid gathering – my last chance to meet those people and get that spiritual support for a while. I tore away from that light and focused only on getting to my destination of the moment.

I’ve lost that sense of magic, that every doorway is a chance to give thanks, that each place I visit has a spirit. I vowed to get that back, if only in simple terms of using doorways as a reminder to be mindful again.

Then, the question came.

As you reach the end of this article, my challenge to you is this: putting aside the question of proselytizing, which is not the idea here, what is Paganism’s message?

If you distilled everything you love about Paganism—everything about it that grips you—into a single sentence, what would it be?

And my answer flowed:

For me, Paganism is my history and my future; it is the quiet spaces in each moment, and the facet of this world which lives on with or without us. It is nature and it is the aspects many in the Western world have forgotten.  It is the stuff which we do not always see, although it is always there (the tree we no longer notice we walk past every day). It’s commonly said that people who find Paganism “feel like they’re coming home”, so I guess in some cases, paganism is that sanctuary, that home that can be found wherever your geographical location – a home which requires no house.

I’m missing my home, missing the spirit and the grateful attitude I used to approach life with. And I’d like that back.

I am a priestess who has locked herself out and forgotten the spare key under the flowerpot.

In light,
Rose

Spiritual Lessons :: Six Months Into 2012

Tags

13/4, buddhism, connect, druidry, meditation, metaphor, nature, paganism, reflection, seasons

Last year, to celebrate Litha (Summer Solstice), I ordered the OBOD Bardic Course. I’m now about a third of my way through it, and I attended the Anderida Open Ritual to celebrate the festival. That group has become my stronghold. I get so much from holding hands on that hill as I do sitting in the pub listening to the debates of various paths, discussions of bringing up children in the faith and feeling the connection of each human who hugs me. Also, I got the oracle card of “Earth Dragon” back at Beltain (this will become relevant later).

The main thing I’ve come to know though, is this:

These people are my Sangha.
For me, Druidry is home.

Buddhism

This year, to celebrate Litha, I’ve stepped up a notch, mixing my Druid practise with Buddhism: I’m attending a talk by His Holiness The Dalai Lama about nonviolence and universal responsibility.

I wrote some notes, scribbled on the back of an envelope I can barely read, but these points were made by him:

– Peace is the basis of harmony. Non-violent, compassionate culture is helpful for peace.

– Everyone has Buddha-nature so it does not matter what nationality the original Buddha was (i.e. Tibetan or Indian)

– We can all be Buddhas

– Respect and love are important, and we must keep these practises going in the Sangha (spiritual community).

– We should not content ourselves with daily prayer or daily mantra, but study. There are three areas of study: Science (of emotion and of mind), Philosophy and Religion.

A Second Sangha

On Friday, I went to the Brighton Buddhist Centre, for the Young Person’s Sangha night, with a theme of Meeting the Dragon of Re-birth.

The dragon can exist in three states: earth, sea and sky. They fly in the air, walk on the land or swim in the sea. They can access the highest realms in the clouds or rest in deep caves underground. Their large eyes allow them clear sight, and thus vision. A symbol of wisdom, and in the eastern world, a protector of an important thing.

We discussed moments of re-birth, and I thought of those I’d experienced as moments of grace thanks to a difficult experience before it.  We were also asked about our connection to the Buddha, and although I didn’t say anything because I don’t feel I have one, I thought about sakura; the cherry blossom which is my symbol of eternal perfection yet potential forever, and of peace and love – that I guess I could define as my idea of enlightenment/of dreams fulfilled.

There was also a statue present in the room which called to me; who I later discovered to be Avaloktesvara, a bodhisattva.

Back to Druidry

During mindfulness of breathing meditation, I performed the Light Body Exercise from the OBOD course, and by the end, I had an odd experience. I was sitting at the base of a tree, and as I explored the branches above me, realised I WAS the tree. I had minimal roots, if any; but I was connected to the grass and my branches felt strong; not over balancing despite reaching far away from my body.

Six months ago, I made 13 resolutions. These included these four:

–          Create a sacred space; to meditate, to place items, to practise ritual (Space, Legacy, Practise)

–          Practise Paganism more often – prayer, meditation, ritual and OBOD study (Practise, Legacy, Space, Spirit)

–          Re-connect with that love of energy; reading about it and sensing it, e.g. Reiki (Compassion, Practise, Legacy, Space)

–          Get outside at least once a fortnight – connect to the land and meditate there, within my grove (Space, Spirit, Land, Practise)

For some reason, I find the tree feeling resonates with all of them, despite not having thought much about these resolutions since I made them. I have an altar now, and I study paganism more than I did last year. However, it seems leaving the house to sit in a room with an open sky above it (ceiling window as it were, four stories up), surrounded by plants and other humans; and sharing the meditation space they created – I found something I’d like to explore more.

 

Have you had any spiritual breakthroughs or moments of grace lately?

– Rose –