Conversation: Compassion and Politeness

Tags

blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, reflection, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

When did it become more important to be polite than compassionate?

I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life in an unsafe state; switching between anxiety, panic attacks and depression. At university and through this blog, I found supportive places.

I joined an online Native American Spirituality group who confirmed to me “no, that isn’t okay.” I made friends with people who believed in the power of positive thinking and even had a lovely card and bright magnet saying I was part of something good. I sought out yoga and meditation, took my vows of attempting pacifism through druidry and began a gratitude practise.

I offered my home and my listening ear to those who needed it, including people I didn’t like – because they deserve to be listened to – no matter what my feelings were for them.

~

Now I’m an adult. I have a job and a flat. I’m meant to have “more control” of my life. I’m meant to be polite and kind, to balance me-time with social-time and having been told for 18 years to SAY NO and Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure – suddenly I’m supposed to go to this party and you must eat that last cake and well they’re family so you have to.

People are different, and it’s about time this world actually thought about that.

How is it fair to put me through anxiety, anger and a sleepless night just because you enjoy something? When did it become unacceptable to politely decline? When did it become okay for people to make snide remarks about things that have always been so? They are some things I have never liked. To say I “suddenly” don’t like it now after 20-odd years of not liking it is not appropriate. And rude. And shows you’ve not cared enough to listen before.

I’m so tired of trying to dodge the “don’t be so politically correct” comments as if being equal and compassionate is something negative.

I’m sick of not being listened to because they’re already speaking over me. There’s that phrase from Fight Club about people who: “actually listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.” But I’m noticing more and more that they don’t even bother with that courtesy.

They talk over me. And they do it as if it’s not incredibly rude and demoralising. As if I’m not an adult with the same rights as them. 

It saddens me to think that even the people who can be understanding and talk about being caring don’t take the time to listen or think about why someone is saying no.

And it worries me that you can’t just say “no, thank you” any more.

If you ask me to JUSTIFY why I’m saying no, you need to find a new friend. Because it’s not necessary and not always appropriate. Especially if I then trust you with the answer and you then try to change my mind – pressure me into it. So just don’t ask.

Is this just me? Or is this actually something important we need to be addressing? What’s more important – compassion or social-acceptability? 

I know which I value more.

The Written Word: A Love Affair

Tags

blazing-crusade, connect, LiteratureLessons, novel, potential, reflection

This morning, I got my first official rejection. This led to me buying a kindle and a load of new books to read, as well as increasing my motivation to edit my novels.

 

~

 

I grew up with books.
In a way, I grew up inside books.

And most of my core beliefs now stem from some of the books I read as a child.

Having beliefs that your parents disagree with, and don’t understand, was always a real problem in my house – but when I look back on those series, I realise the true importance of the written word on who I am today.

The first set of books that taught me about life were by Kenneth Oppel: Silverwing, Sunwing and Firewing. This was the first set of books I’d read where a creature died, and it’s spirit was free to continue flying through the trees (it was a bat), and I began to question the aspects of life and death as experiences.

Next, I discovered the strong female figures – Lyra from His Dark Materials Trilogy, Myrina from Troy and the Warrior Women Series, Magda in the Forestwife Series, Sabriel in the Old Kingdom Trilogy and Renn in the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness.

Then, the ideas of family and honour arose as I read The Sight and Fell by David Clement-Davies.

 

Moving Forward

Today, I bought a second-hand Kindle on eBay. I place all blame on my sister of the written word, and her bad influence. She too, is an avid reader and writer, though our favoured genres are often very different.

This led to me spending a lot of time in the Kindle online store today, and, unfortunately, to buying a lot of paperbacks.

The idea of paying more for a Kindle book than a new paperback, let alone a second hand paperback, doesn’t sit well with my beliefs, nor my wallet.

But I bought some books.

 

The Importance of Reading

As far as my reading habit goes, this is a brilliant step forward. I’ve not been reading much over the past couple of years, nor even in the past two months, even without a TV in my flat. Finding new authors and series to trial has re-sparked that love of reading and I’m already back on track to reaching this year’s goal of completing 26 books minimum, and ideally aiming for 35-40.

Through university, my reading list considered a lot of books on quantum physics, spiritual exploration and psychology or writer non-fictions…

As a writer now editing my books, I feel that now is the time to keep myself immersed in good writing – now I’m less afraid of accidentally stealing ideas as the plot is already laid out – so I can focus on making sure my tone and style really expresses the places and people I’ve created.

So, as a fan of books, who loves hearing about other books, here are the purchases I’ve made this weekend:

“Fire” – Cashore, Kristin
“Graceling” – Cashore, Kristin
“Geist (Book of the Order)” – Philippa Ballantine
“2k to 10k: Writing Faster, Writing Better, and Writing More of What You Love”  – Rachel Aaron [Kindle Edition]
“Runemarks” – Harris, Joanne
“Gardens of the Moon (Book 1 of The Malazan Book of the Fallen)” – Erikson, Steven
“The Spirit Thief (Legend of Eli Monpress)” – Aaron, Rachel;
“The Agency: Volume 2” – Dianne Sylvan [Kindle Edition]

I will of course be rating these on my reading list.

 

Writing

Also, March is my month of novel-editing, and here is the latest update:

Day: 3
Pages Edited: 17/314 and 0/310
Scenes Edited: 3/71 and 0/80

Don’t forget to find out more about my books from the my writing page.

NaNoWriMo 2012 ~ The Beginning

Tags

blazing-crusade, dancing-with-limitation, nanowrimo, novel, plans, potential

National Novel Writing Month begins in 6 hours.

Having participated and won since November 2009, I don’t feel like I am allowed to fail. And this year, I’m writing a sequel. That means I have a basic plan, a good foundation and lots of prior plot threads to draw upon.

But, I also don’t need to spend hours world-building and can spend less time dealing with my main character descriptions… Two aspects which are very helpful in the 50,000 word challenge when your word-count is a little low.

What else am I doing in November? Oh yes, moving out of my parents house, into a one-bed flat and starting a new job. My first job. In a completely new setting/field.

And writing 50,000 words of novel.

For some reason, I’m beginning to feel unsure.

 

But I’ve planned something. It will be my first year of planning a storyline, and I feel confident that if I fail, I’ll have good reasons and the words I will have written will be decent. I have mind-maps at the ready, a list of scenes and suggested orders for those scenes and the odd bit “what if X character is actually a Y?” in case I get stuck and need to twist things up.

Last week I shared the best books and programs for my writing processes. Today, I’m writing to work through the anxiety of another month of stress. But I know I can make it. I know I can miss three days of writing and still get up to speed. I know that I can write crap until the decent stuff starts to pour out. And I know that having an on-the-go project will, overall, help me cope with the other stuff.

So let the challenge commence, and may the first few scenes flow easily.

In Light,
Rose

Connecting: Best Friends

Tags

13/4, breaking habits&labels, connect, Insights, processing, reflection

Hope you don’t mind me posting this, Rach.

Today, my parents and I helped a friend of the family move house. Her daughter, Rachel, was there to help.

I think my mum met her at a mother & baby group, but wherever it was, her daughter and I became best friends in nursery school, and stayed like that until I went to secondary school when I was 11.

We did everything together; from learning to ride bikes (two of us on one bike was a common sight) and roller skates to sleepovers and daily fights. Rach even broke her foot the same week I broke my toe (in completely unrelated incidents I must add) and we spent two weeks at play-time sitting together on a wall outside our classrooms.

When we went to separate secondary schools, she made friends (and had friends from our old school) while I went to a private, all-girls place with only one girl from my school; who I barely knew. I made two friends in my five years there, and then went to college and made two more friends (one is now my partner, so he doesn’t really count). Of those four people, only one contacts me when I try to connect.

So in 2005, I discovered online friends and am very grateful to the three wonderfully stable best friends I still have: Kami and Josh in America, and Amma who lives in the nearest big town to where I grew up. Through Skype and smartphones, I’ve been able to see a live woodchuck on the campus of an American University and hear the laughter of these friends, despite the miles between us. I meet up with Amma an average of once every 2 years, and I speak to Kami or Josh once every 3-4 weeks on Skype.

 

Re-connecting

This morning, I met that girl again; that best friend from my childhood, Rachel. That sweet and pretty little girl who rode on my bike and whose hair caught fire due to sparklers (I think I just laughed, but we were only 3 and 4)… is now a beautiful woman living in a flat with her partner and a full-time job and car. And she studies at her job to boot! I’m in awe of how much she has achieved, as I still remember her, aged 3, crying with her hair on fire.

It felt awkward to say hi to her again, as I’ve spoken barely 20 words to her in the last ten years. This grown up lady who I’d vaguely heard updates about from her mother, and had seen the odd picture of on facebook, sounded so different to those memories I had.

But after carrying heavy furniture together down some stairs, into a van, onto a trolley and up to a storage place; I was hugging her and we were taking photographs together. I expected so much to have changed in that decade, but after 3 hours together, it was like I had my best friend back. It still felt odd to hug her, but it’s something I used to value more than anything; the feel our arms behind each other’s back; because that’s how best friends used to stand together. United against anything; inseparable.

Connections

I made a goal at New Year to make sure I connect with people more. I’ve made a consistent effort to make it to the pagan meet-ups, to celebrate the seasons and to honour the tradition of seeing my friend from college.

I’ve tried to see the possibilities and the potential in everything, and to trust that some people are good examples of the human race. I grew up with the lesson “people are mean and you need to be meaner to succeed” and it’s taken a lot of time and experiences to redefine that: to recognise that some people will give, just ‘because’.

 I haven’t had a close friend I can regularly see and hug and laugh with for ten years. And in re-connecting with my old best friend, I’m realising that’s something I’ve really needed. Especially as my partner’s three counties away and I’ll soon be moving to a new town.

I’m sure Rachel has changed, just as I have. But she stills laughs at my jokes and we still say the same things. We were almost finishing each other’s sentences again.

And now I feel sad, because I’m leaving and I’ve lost ten years of that. I hadn’t fully realised how much of a hole not having a best friend leaves.

So I’m hoping to change that by seeing her again before I move into my flat; and maybe when I return for weekends or Christmas. If nothing else, it’s a lesson about connection I’d rather learn now, than in thirty years time when we may have lost touch forever.

In light,

Rose

Sharing my #InsurancePoll Story

Tags

connect, fitness, Insights

Ellie Di posted a story the other day about her insurance policy. It seems to have started with Amanda Palmer’s insurance poll which began on Twitter.

I wasn’t going to write about it, because my health is covered by the NHS… something which the government are phasing out and hasn’t cost me anything yet because I’ve been a student.

However.

On Friday, I went to the dentist. I spoke briefly about my first visit to this dentist over at my other blog, but today, I have a lot of rants I want to voice.

There will be swearing in this, and it’s all my own opinion. I’m also still pissed about it, so in two weeks, these views may dissipate a little.

As I’m responding to a poll; these are the questions:

1)       COUNTRY?! 2) profession? 3) insured? 4) if not, why not, if so, at what cost per month (or covered by job)?

My answers are: UK, soon-to-be-family-support-worker, NHS. This current piece of dental treatment will probably cost £500 overall.

The National Health Service

When the coalition decided to do away with our NHS, I fought. I’m still fighting in little ways – I attended a march, I applied for NHS jobs, I still sign petitions, and I try to only go to a health centre if I really need something.

Of course the waiting lists are out the door and the treatment can be shocking. I would probably say the chance of having the wrong leg amputated is a good 1 in a 500 if not more… in all seriousness.

Access to Files

My main issue today, is that they don’t have access to any records. We find it iffy to buy a used car without the service history, but the fact that the dentist numbed my mouth so I couldn’t speak, and then asked me questions about my medical history… then prescribed me tablets when I can’t swallow tablets and I had to really emphasise “I must not see the needle”.

Especially asking me questions he can see answers to – he’s taken an X-ray of my mouth, I told him I moved dentists because the other didn’t fucking tell me he was taking a fucking tooth out and I get asked if I’ve had this tooth out because it’s not showing on the X-ray and also doesn’t appear to be in my mouth.

READ THE FUCKING NOTES.

This is not news; when I had Glandular Fever/Tonsillitis and had to go from A&E to out of hours doctors to staying three days in hospital over Christmas, then to two different doctors in GP surgeries… and they all KNEW what I can and can’t take and which drugs I was (by this point) now immune to.

Despite staying in the same dentist’s surgery, the new dentist they employed didn’t know my file and now I’ve moved and filled out the health form again they STILL don’t know.

I would be furious about it, but I’m shaking and crying instead.

The Story

I have insurance; the bog standard same-as-everyone-else insurance. I only paid £7 for a prescription of drugs I’m struggling to take. I should have checked – I should have asked the dentist if it’s soluble and then checked the pharmacist gave me soluble. But with a numb mouth and tears still drying on my cheeks I didn’t think to divulge my entire history to every person I met.

And it annoys me that the default is I have to do that. And I will remember it in future.  Clearly, I must tell my medical history to every single medical professional I meet. Makes me wonder what the hell they write all those notes for.

But when I couldn’t breathe, swallow water or sleep because I began to drown in my own saliva – I could go to the hospital, despite it being boxing day, and it didn’t cost my parents anything to have those 7 different drugs. I was even given special circumstances for the exams two weeks after I got out of hospital.

Generally, the fact that I don’t need to worry about paying for an ambulance has never occurred to me ~ because if you need an ambulance, something is serious – and a human life is priceless. But discussing my granddad’s Alzheimer’s and the side effects of his medication; in view of their visit to see his daughter in Germany – I was told about the cost of ambulances there too.

With the USA bringing in an NHS and the UK Prime Minister slowly destroying our NHS, a lot of health policies are changing.

Dentists are the only service I have had to pay for*. And only since half-way through my BSc.

*Although in the last 6 months the privatisation has led to charging for things that have never, ever before been charged for under the NHS scheme.

Opening the Story Pages

As Amanda Palmer said, no one knows the state of other’s health stories until they are told.

When I joined the revolution of “we are the 99%” I read hundreds of pages of pictures; telling people’s stories of choosing between rent and cancer drugs. I spoke to my two best friends in America; about their health plans and how they balance the minimum wages of three jobs and schooling just to keep themselves alive.

So that’s my story, and that’s the UK system as a newly-out-of-education person sees it.

I’m worried about the future, because the NHS is getting worse in every way – waiting lists are longer, training is poorer, standards are dropping, and for all this worse service they’re beginning to charge.

But right now, I don’t have to choose between having this tooth out and buying my iron tablets.

What’s your health insurance story? Share it in the comment, write your own blogs and/or tell it on Twitter using the hashtag #insurancepoll:

1) country? 2) profession? 3) insured? 4) if not, why not, if so, at what cost per month (or covered by job)?

In Light,
Rose

A Scrambled Panic About Writing Novels

Tags

blazing-crusade, connect, dancing-with-limitation, novel, reflection, writing

I’m a writer.

In November 2009 I began National Novel Writing Month with an idea, and ended with 50,000 words that looked far too much like a book I’d just finished reading.

In the Summer of 2010, I wrote another, which ended up being a part-sequel of the first. This sequel ended up at 91,000 words, and still unfinished. I have seven main characters and once I know how to deal with something of that size, I’ll revisit it.

In September 2011, I began a third novel. This is still in progress; at around 20,000 words of fully written scenes. I don’t have a clue where it’s going.

November 2011: NanoWriMo the Third… Got to 50,000 words, but it had no cohesion and two days before the end I decided to add in icelandic translations of my spells, poems and prophecies in order to boost the word-count. >_>

January 2012. Began the current novel. Got to 30,000 odd words by August.

September 2012: Realised I need to finish by October 4th. Panicked. Began writing furiously. Let human beings actually proof-read the bits I’d edited. Got two positive feedbacks. One very negative. Freaked out. Felt sick. Hated my writing. Got picked up by two more positive reviews. Breathed.

~

My mummy proof-reading my first six chapters❤

Here I am. September 19th 2012; working on my (technically fifth) third proper story-line.

I have 36,374 words of well-written, proofed work. I have 9,000 odd words of notes/ scenes to be edited and scrap i’ve kept as a “just-in-case”.

The minimum is 75,000 words for submission… that’s 40,000 more to write and edit.. and those 9,000 to sort out something with.

By October 4th. Then I need to edit and re-write and edit and proof and then submit by the 9th.

The time-scales are already ridiculous – but I’ve written 50,000 words in 30 days. I’ve written 91,000 words in 50 days. I’m unemployed. I have a vague sense of where I’m going. I should be able to do it, if I focus and breathe and plan and work it all out as I go.

~

Yet, as each new day creeps forward, the panic rises. I had a month to write 50,000 words. I now only have 14 days to write 40,000. This isn’t good.

Each day I feel this anxiety, not even writer’s block; but an inability to write what comes next. I stare at the page, fingers poised over the keyboard, and I feel sick.

~

I need readers, editors and critiques. I need the energy to see this plan through; to keep writing. I need support, connection and time-outs. I need to plan what will happen next.

I need to edit the things already critiqued. I need to edit it and then re-sent out the edited bits for more critiques; for new critique.

And I need to eat meals, sleep at night, talk to my mum, drink tea and speak to my other half.

I need to give a speech tomorrow, to attend a job interview next week, to keep applying for jobs. I need to keep clearing out the crap in my room, I need to look for a car and a house to actually keep driving because taking 4 days off brings back the fear.

I need to get over the overwhelm.

~

It’s a gorgeous blue-skied day outside; and I can’t justify going for a walk because I should be here, writing. I know I won’t write, sat here, but nonetheless, I am paralysed, chained to this laptop and the next clear steps for my character to walk.

Unable to write, unable to see the goal being met.

Unable to see the final dream, of being a published author.

Connecting to Practise – iv – A Seeker And The Shadows

Tags

13/4, blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, connect, enchantress, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, potential

As part of my connection theme for this year, I’ve been turning to written material. I’m on the eighth Gwers of my Druid studies, over half-way through Spirits of the Sacred Grove [Emma Restall Orr] and I’m taking Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad course.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a new blog and picked up an e-book called Walk Like a God by Drew Jacob.

I had a few revelations, so this is a long post, and may stretch two. They’re a little bit jumpy, but there is a thread (my trail of thoughts) flowing through each section, so I hope it makes some sense. I’ve also had a lot of blocks to posting this openly, but I feel it’s an important journey dialogue.

 

Connecting the Connections

If you’ve been following my blog for the last two years, you’ll know I have this mild obsession with labels, and have spent a lot of time searching for that “perfect term” for myself; still defining the goal of my life. That dream I’ve always wanted to attain but never even felt I got onto the path of.

On this journey, I have found comfort in the term of enchantress, found joy in the label of priestess, and I’ve valued dance, martial arts, strength-building and writing as the highest values of my life. I can take a label from each of these, yet it’s never covered every part of me.

This week, I’ve been focused on my lack of motivation to wake early and get back into writing (I’m on novel #5 now). Throughout my various reading of the past few weeks, I saw the connection.

 

Having talked about the success of forming habits being based on motivation, I know that personally, the defining of the end goal is a big block for me in forming a new habit. The more I try, the more I began to ask myself why I’m not living life as I want to. Why can’t I wake early and meditate?

Is it all an issue of definition?

 

Enticement

As I shuffle through the memories of this “seeking self”; the search for strength and for quietude have been the greatest and longest lasting. I’ve craved focus as much as I’ve enjoyed being distracted.

In each story, I find that thread of desire for stillness. I find the scholar who wants to understand what others understood, the psychologist who wants to understand people’s volition, the star-gazer who wants to absorb the knowledge of the universe and the reader who wants to feel every emotion of every character invented. Yet within this dream is that underlying sense of quiet spirit. And below that, power.

I sense a deep thrum of power, and I seek it. I am enticed to follow the silent calling.

 

If I understand why people act as they do, why that works as it does; why atoms form like that – I have knowledge of how everything moves. I’ll be able to understand and maybe to change how those worlds work. Underlying the scholar is the strength-seeking woman who wants to connect with the world. In my mind, I see a stealthy being, cloaked in silence and able to experience things most people miss.

I notice in the shadows of stillness, that’s what I seek. This is the Connection to Practise I spoke of.

 

A Specific Term Speaks

Last week, I found myself flickering through the various minimal and spiritual posts I’ve found over the past couple of years, and through various links, ended up at Drew Jacob’s blog: Rogue Priest.

I hadn’t read a single blog post before I felt the ripple. The terminology alone hit home for me and the thrum got louder as associations flew into my conscious awareness.

 

Rogue… off the trodden path, a skilled thief in the ragnarok online game. A shadowy figure who uses stealth and skills. Sometimes wild and untamed yet all about the quietude… Focused and still… unseen yet powerful. Connecting to the land but often without obvious knowledge of it.

 

Priest… quiet, connected to spirit, focused and calm. “Witchy powers” came to mind, as I began my spiritual path self-defining as a witch. Also shadowy due to the silence, the reverence. All these associations flew forward: those and less relevant ones like my connection between martial arts and monasteries… the discipline and quiet appeal.

 

This is exactly what I’ve sought.  This is a label I could happily follow. Reverence, priesthood, stealth, quiet…

I want the structure and focus yet simplicity of priesthood. I want the freedom, passion and skill of a rogue.  I want that thrum, that power, that passion. This is the form of practise I want to connect with.

 

 

Head high, cloak draped over my shoulder, I step out of the sunlight and into the shadows: a seeker of stillness.

Wednesday Reflection: Defining Shivanata as a Teacher

Tags

dancing-with-limitation, shivanata

It’s Wednesday.. that means I should be giving you a ShivaNata update; on my 30 days of shivanata challenge where, as a dance of shiva teacher, I should be always practising and learning and keeping ahead of my clients and should want to practise every day! Except that I’m human, and I’ve had two tiring days following an entire weekend off.

However, Elizabeth has been doing well and you can check in over at her blog to share your own experiences with us.

As things stand; Today is day 2 of my 30 days.. instead of being day 8. But never mind, let’s go with it.  I’ve just been doing levels 1 and 2 because I’ve been exhausted when I get home and that’s all I can do right now.

The Context

However, today I also finished a two-day training course: Days where I woke at 7am and got home at 5:30pm.

Days where I had to speak in groups, speak in front of people, and speak about suicide; of all subjects.

ASIST: Grassroots Training and LivingWorks course for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training.

I’d thoroughly recommend the course – I’ve talked a good 6-10 people out of suicide and I still learned so much. I feel a lot more able to discuss it and to help someone in need. I got a grant due to my volunteering situation; but I’ve actually needed it in the past for friends in need; so everyone and anyone could benefit.

However, it’s been an incredibly tiring day. I’m used to heading into University at 1pm to have a one-hour lecture; doing the full 9am-5pm day, and two days running has left me exhausted.

Yet, I met some lovely people and got to hear about others experiences. This situation, however, opened me to that situational question:

“Can we each say a bit about what we do?”

Oh goodness. This was the point I stumbled over. I’m not even volunteering at the organisation who sent me on the course; at this point.

 

So this ended up being a training course where I found myself mentioning that I teach shivanata, and giving out business cards.

I hit the stumbling block: unable to define what it is I do.

I wished I’d remembered to say I’m an International Woman of Mystery and explain that Shivanata is an IWOM skill/spell.

But who can really describe it?

The Description

I think I actually went from “yoga-teacher” to “dance of shiva yoga” to “it’s a kind of dance based on yoga” and then ”it’s a yoga brain training dance” and thus no doubt left my audience more confused by the second.

Can any other shivanauts comment here on how they’d describe it to a new person?

Here are the resources I’d like to refer to here; in case he still has my blog address and looks at this.

A video demonstration: a glimpse of Level 2 done by the number two world expert

Link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ctuyg7rLX0

For that member of my group interested in it, these are the best resources I know of for finding out more about it (short of coming to a class or getting the DVD):

–          the Dance of Shiva Kit explaining what it does and what its for.   [click the ABOUT tab under the banner for more information]

–          Andrey Lappa – the inventor/discoverer/ number one world experts take on it.

–          My own view on the practise

How would you describe it if you’d said yoga and then someone had probed for more information?

Danielle: “I call it a mind-body movement practice that gives your body and your brain a work out. Then I follow it up by saying it’s like to doing a puzzle with your body. Then I explain how I’ve never before stuck to any movement/exercise practice like this one precisely because my brain is involved too and it feels like a game.”

Kalyani: ‎”It’s a mind body practice that makes you smarter and happier in less than 5 minutes a day! It was discovered by a Ukrainian yogi in a cave in Tibet… I don’t ever say the Y word, because I don’t know anything about yoga. And I think Dance probably puts people off, since people have such bad experience with grade-school jazz or whatever.”

Honey McMoney’s site: “Shiva Nata is a movement meditation about patterns. Synchronizing spiral movements of the limbs with the breath creates a constant and intensive energy consumption from the surrounding space, translation of it through psychic-energy structure channels, and accumulation and radiation into the surrounding space.”

In light,
Rose

Two Links to Perspective

Tags

Insights, reflection

My exams are in full-swing. One down, one to go.

I found these articles on life’s meaning a couple of weeks ago, and keep meaning to write a post about them.  I’ve been experiencing a lot of uncontrollable low moods in the past few weeks, so I feel a bit odd linking to two posts about this subject; but they’re beautiful in their own right and so, I’d just like to point you to them.

1. Don’t Fear. “Death is not Scary”

A post linking the fear and shock to a peaceful state of calm.. leading onto the next piece I found.

2. Love Conquers All; Love is what Remains. “The Last Post”

It’s the last post of a blogger who died of cancer, and it’s essentially a love-letter to those he left behind. It made me cry and reminded me of all the good in my life. A post that really put things into perspective. We rarely see the world through someone else’s eyes; so I’m grateful to Derek for disclosing this.

In Light,
Rose

Conversations: Systems and Honour [really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear]

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, kitten, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, processing, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

This is a really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear; covering many vulnerabilities and odd thoughts. Uncensored. 

Warning: incredibly long post with a hell of a lot of vulnerabilities and code-names in use. Please be incredibly careful in any comments to double-check your meaning and how you express yourself; this is a major aspect of my insecurities and I’m posting them here in the hope that others can use these tools to help themselves.  

Nearly every link is to The Fluent Self, which is a truly wonderful blog full of amazingly helpful tools.

The Shoe

Exams are looming, the house is getting tense – three of us with exams, one finishing her Masters portfolio… tension is running high and that sense of urgency is tugging at my every move.

This is not a good time to be reminded of how little people respect other people’s time and space.

Literary Confusion

I remember a day when “in a minute” meant.. “in the next minute or two”.

Or do i?

Has any parent said “just a minute” and then taken a minute? Has anyone ever said just a minute, meant it AND followed through with a concrete action to match their promise?

Or is everyone guilty of this lie; this deception.  Actions speak louder than words and I’m at the end of my tether with this maxim that sociolinguist Grice investigated in 1975. The four maxims of speech which mustn’t be violated: quality, manner, quantity, and relation.

I wrote about this in my dissertation, and although not many people know about them academically; if you ask someone a question, you expect honesty.

Maybe it’s just me – if you ask for the time and I lied; it would probably annoy you a bit. If I said the price of something was low and it was high; you’d probably wish I hadn’t lied.

Why is the maxim of honesty so important in some aspects of life – work or the law, yet not in relations with friends and family?

The Minute

If you were one minute late to work, even if you were a minute late A LOT of the time; I think you’d be let off.

To say you’d be somewhere in a minute and still not be there 25 minutes later probably wouldn’t go down so easily. Especially not if it’s your pattern; if you do it a lot.

This is especially upsetting when I’ve been told to wait for a minute – meaning that I believe I can’t start anything long-term because you’ll interrupt my work and since I asked you to come in; I wouldn’t be able to complain. So wasting that 25 minutes waiting; especially when I’ve exams to revise for, class plans to draw up, books to read and so forth upsets me.

Similarly to saying you’ll be somewhere at a time – I head to the meeting place at that time, and then find out you’re still in bed.

My Generation

Is this a disease of the youth of today? How can we be on time for work yet put the people who mean something to us through so much? How can you value your boss’s schedule more than your loved ones?  And why lie about it?

And this is where I notice the hurt, the monsters, and remember to engage in the conversation. I step outside, having waited 25 minutes for no reason. I walk back to the bus stop as my friend is still in bed. I sign offline when she was an hour late at coming online. And the void is there; that space where I can see the hurt, rather than just feel it.

 

I see that fear called kitten, cowering in a feeling of unsafety; and step over to give her some milk.

 

Systems

I look around for the systems; those things in place to keep me feeling safe, wherever I am. A lot of these have arisen from tools mentioned at The Fluent Self; such as the Hello Day exercise, knowledge about Safe Rooms and the V Formation, or general destuckification basics. However, I have my own in place – the knowledge that opening the window, having a dance or taking a moment to centre can resolve the external anger to reveal the pain beneath it.

Calm Me: You look scared and hurt. What are you feeling?

Kitten: Betrayed. Worthless. Obviously not deserving of someone’s time; or their honesty. Humans lie in order to manipulate. I’m confused as to why someone would choose to manipulate someone they’re supposed to consider a friend/family.

Calm Me: What are the causes of these feelings; how do they arise?

Kitten: I’m worth less than whatever took that 25 minutes, that lie-in or that hour of lateness. I’m obviously not worth their time.  There’s a lack of respect – that forgetfulness that I have a life to live; I have to use my time effectively. Time is Precious.

Calm Me: Where could this forgetfulness have come from?

Kitten: They could be engrossed in their work; but then say “not now”. They probably had good intentions, but actions speak louder than words and all three people in these situations do it ALL the time.

Calm Me: All the time? Are you sure love? Can you think of examples?

Kitten: Yes.. although some had good reasons; like the water pipe bursting is a good excuse(*) for being late.  But some of the others don’t seem to have any reason.

Calm Me: What about their own state of mind?

Kitten: Everyone has a responsibility to be aware of their state and to make decisions in accordance with it. If I’m in a bad mood or busy, I say no to intrusions or tiring aspects of activity.

Calm Me: I can see you feel really strongly about this. What can we do to make these behaviours less like thrown shoes?

Kitten: Never trust people again. They’re all liars and mindless – never taking a moment to see how they are, to consider what they’ve just given their word to do or taking into consideration the reasons people have asked for their help at this moment.

Calm me: Ooookay… I can see you’re in a space of “all about them”. Let’s take a step back and focus it back on us. This is our REACTION to someone else’s Actions. We’re only responsible for our side so how can we put a system in place to change this reaction?

Kitten: …

The Next Steps

Calm Me:  So we’re hurt, betrayed, distrusting, confused and feeling useless/worthless and scared. How could we, for example, tackle confusion?

Kitten: … Ask them why they did it?

Calm Me: And if they were confused?

Kitten: Be more specific?

Calm Me: Maybe change the wording – “hey, can we do this at X time BECAUSE I need to do y by Z time”?

Kitten: Or check before leaving the house that they ARE at the space before I go there to meet them?

Calm Me:  That’s it.. And for the other situation?

Kitten: Put a note saying ‘great, but please let me know if you’ll be late as I need to use my time effectively?’

 This sounds like a lot of work.

Calm Me: It does. How can we make this less work?

Kitten: Just have shitty expectations?

Calm Me: … … …

Kitten: -sigh- I don’t know. I still vote for never trusting people again. It’s so much easier.

Calm Me:  Do you really want to cling to all that negativity and have it brought up every time you ask someone to do something with you?

Kitten: We could stop asking people. Just ignore them all.

Calm Me: We’re not making progress here… -looks around for a new system tool; hoping to find a negotiator–

Enter the Negotiator

Calm Me: Wow, you look a lot like a kit-kat doing Shivanata. Oooh.. I see. Shivanata. Unravelling the patterns of hurt and stuckness.

Negotiator: -nods-  I see a lot of statements up there ^. Are they true? What is true?

Calm Me: Kitten? When we were reading last night, what did we see?

Kitten:      “We often hear people say: This world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless too. I humbly disagree with this contention.  This world is what we have made of it. If it is ruthless today it is because we have made it ruthless by our attitudes” – Arun Gandhi, NVC, 2003.

Negotiator: So… what is true? What’s also true?

Kitten: These are old feelings.

Calm Me: And where are they from?

Kitten: The past. It’s different now?

Negotiator: How?

Kitten: I’m in a safe place. I have a lock on my door.  Now is not Then.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: I’m not defined by that feeling of worthlessness anymore. It’s no longer insinuated that I am in fact a disappointing excuse for a human.

Negotiator: Indeed. You’re surrounded by compassionate people who love you, and you know that you bring a huge amount of worth to their lives. Everyone automatically has a minimum worth, in my book. 

Kitten: …

Negotiator: You always had worth. Deal with it. Now what else is true?

Calm Me: I live with nice people? Safe people.

Kitten: …who won’t hit us or call us names or tell us how stupid [or worthless] we are.

Negotiator: That’s true. What else is true?

Kitten: We’re able to think for ourselves. Freedom of speech. Except not.

Calm Me: Still limited, but not completely shot down for having alternate views..

We have the tools! We find the tools.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: We have the tools to deal with this.

Negotiator: That’s a good truth.

Calm Me: I like that one.

Negotiator: Me too. So which tools?

Kitten: I don’t want to say; else it may take away the power.

Negotiator: Okay, let’s use code names.

Calm Me: SILENT RETREAT!  -runs away-

Kitten: -giggles-

Negotiator: -smiles- haha, yeah. And?

Kitten: Books. Worlds of imagination to dive into and those special manuals.

Calm Me: and mindfulness- meditation or reiki.

Negotiator: and…

Excited Me: and Shivanata!

Negotiator: Huzzah!

Kitten: W00t w00t, dat is da sound of da pol-ice!!! W00p!

-all giggle-

Negotiator: Great. So how can we set these up to best support us?

Kitten: Metaphor Mouse? And.. plans. Treasure Maps and Finding Clews! -runs off to grab colouring pens-

– – – * * * – – –

So, Calm-now-Excited-Me and Kitten are off to make a new system:

The Lighthouse system of Emblazing Penguin. Or something.

Reflection Point-

What systems could you use? What’s true? What statements of untruth dictate your life? Do you keep your word?

In Light,
Rose.

(*) Here, excuse is used as it originially meant “a reason to be excused” – it is NOT derogatory or negative, but neutral until placed in context. Here, it’s positive – it’s a valid reason thus a positive excuse.