Conversation: Compassion and Politeness

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blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, reflection, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

When did it become more important to be polite than compassionate?

I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life in an unsafe state; switching between anxiety, panic attacks and depression. At university and through this blog, I found supportive places.

I joined an online Native American Spirituality group who confirmed to me “no, that isn’t okay.” I made friends with people who believed in the power of positive thinking and even had a lovely card and bright magnet saying I was part of something good. I sought out yoga and meditation, took my vows of attempting pacifism through druidry and began a gratitude practise.

I offered my home and my listening ear to those who needed it, including people I didn’t like – because they deserve to be listened to – no matter what my feelings were for them.

~

Now I’m an adult. I have a job and a flat. I’m meant to have “more control” of my life. I’m meant to be polite and kind, to balance me-time with social-time and having been told for 18 years to SAY NO and Don’t Give In To Peer Pressure – suddenly I’m supposed to go to this party and you must eat that last cake and well they’re family so you have to.

People are different, and it’s about time this world actually thought about that.

How is it fair to put me through anxiety, anger and a sleepless night just because you enjoy something? When did it become unacceptable to politely decline? When did it become okay for people to make snide remarks about things that have always been so? They are some things I have never liked. To say I “suddenly” don’t like it now after 20-odd years of not liking it is not appropriate. And rude. And shows you’ve not cared enough to listen before.

I’m so tired of trying to dodge the “don’t be so politically correct” comments as if being equal and compassionate is something negative.

I’m sick of not being listened to because they’re already speaking over me. There’s that phrase from Fight Club about people who: “actually listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.” But I’m noticing more and more that they don’t even bother with that courtesy.

They talk over me. And they do it as if it’s not incredibly rude and demoralising. As if I’m not an adult with the same rights as them. 

It saddens me to think that even the people who can be understanding and talk about being caring don’t take the time to listen or think about why someone is saying no.

And it worries me that you can’t just say “no, thank you” any more.

If you ask me to JUSTIFY why I’m saying no, you need to find a new friend. Because it’s not necessary and not always appropriate. Especially if I then trust you with the answer and you then try to change my mind – pressure me into it. So just don’t ask.

Is this just me? Or is this actually something important we need to be addressing? What’s more important – compassion or social-acceptability? 

I know which I value more.

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Conversations: Systems and Honour [really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear]

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, kitten, LiteratureLessons, metaphor, processing, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

This is a really long post where I coach myself out of anger and into fear; covering many vulnerabilities and odd thoughts. Uncensored. 

Warning: incredibly long post with a hell of a lot of vulnerabilities and code-names in use. Please be incredibly careful in any comments to double-check your meaning and how you express yourself; this is a major aspect of my insecurities and I’m posting them here in the hope that others can use these tools to help themselves.  

Nearly every link is to The Fluent Self, which is a truly wonderful blog full of amazingly helpful tools.

The Shoe

Exams are looming, the house is getting tense – three of us with exams, one finishing her Masters portfolio… tension is running high and that sense of urgency is tugging at my every move.

This is not a good time to be reminded of how little people respect other people’s time and space.

Literary Confusion

I remember a day when “in a minute” meant.. “in the next minute or two”.

Or do i?

Has any parent said “just a minute” and then taken a minute? Has anyone ever said just a minute, meant it AND followed through with a concrete action to match their promise?

Or is everyone guilty of this lie; this deception.  Actions speak louder than words and I’m at the end of my tether with this maxim that sociolinguist Grice investigated in 1975. The four maxims of speech which mustn’t be violated: quality, manner, quantity, and relation.

I wrote about this in my dissertation, and although not many people know about them academically; if you ask someone a question, you expect honesty.

Maybe it’s just me – if you ask for the time and I lied; it would probably annoy you a bit. If I said the price of something was low and it was high; you’d probably wish I hadn’t lied.

Why is the maxim of honesty so important in some aspects of life – work or the law, yet not in relations with friends and family?

The Minute

If you were one minute late to work, even if you were a minute late A LOT of the time; I think you’d be let off.

To say you’d be somewhere in a minute and still not be there 25 minutes later probably wouldn’t go down so easily. Especially not if it’s your pattern; if you do it a lot.

This is especially upsetting when I’ve been told to wait for a minute – meaning that I believe I can’t start anything long-term because you’ll interrupt my work and since I asked you to come in; I wouldn’t be able to complain. So wasting that 25 minutes waiting; especially when I’ve exams to revise for, class plans to draw up, books to read and so forth upsets me.

Similarly to saying you’ll be somewhere at a time – I head to the meeting place at that time, and then find out you’re still in bed.

My Generation

Is this a disease of the youth of today? How can we be on time for work yet put the people who mean something to us through so much? How can you value your boss’s schedule more than your loved ones?  And why lie about it?

And this is where I notice the hurt, the monsters, and remember to engage in the conversation. I step outside, having waited 25 minutes for no reason. I walk back to the bus stop as my friend is still in bed. I sign offline when she was an hour late at coming online. And the void is there; that space where I can see the hurt, rather than just feel it.

 

I see that fear called kitten, cowering in a feeling of unsafety; and step over to give her some milk.

 

Systems

I look around for the systems; those things in place to keep me feeling safe, wherever I am. A lot of these have arisen from tools mentioned at The Fluent Self; such as the Hello Day exercise, knowledge about Safe Rooms and the V Formation, or general destuckification basics. However, I have my own in place – the knowledge that opening the window, having a dance or taking a moment to centre can resolve the external anger to reveal the pain beneath it.

Calm Me: You look scared and hurt. What are you feeling?

Kitten: Betrayed. Worthless. Obviously not deserving of someone’s time; or their honesty. Humans lie in order to manipulate. I’m confused as to why someone would choose to manipulate someone they’re supposed to consider a friend/family.

Calm Me: What are the causes of these feelings; how do they arise?

Kitten: I’m worth less than whatever took that 25 minutes, that lie-in or that hour of lateness. I’m obviously not worth their time.  There’s a lack of respect – that forgetfulness that I have a life to live; I have to use my time effectively. Time is Precious.

Calm Me: Where could this forgetfulness have come from?

Kitten: They could be engrossed in their work; but then say “not now”. They probably had good intentions, but actions speak louder than words and all three people in these situations do it ALL the time.

Calm Me: All the time? Are you sure love? Can you think of examples?

Kitten: Yes.. although some had good reasons; like the water pipe bursting is a good excuse(*) for being late.  But some of the others don’t seem to have any reason.

Calm Me: What about their own state of mind?

Kitten: Everyone has a responsibility to be aware of their state and to make decisions in accordance with it. If I’m in a bad mood or busy, I say no to intrusions or tiring aspects of activity.

Calm Me: I can see you feel really strongly about this. What can we do to make these behaviours less like thrown shoes?

Kitten: Never trust people again. They’re all liars and mindless – never taking a moment to see how they are, to consider what they’ve just given their word to do or taking into consideration the reasons people have asked for their help at this moment.

Calm me: Ooookay… I can see you’re in a space of “all about them”. Let’s take a step back and focus it back on us. This is our REACTION to someone else’s Actions. We’re only responsible for our side so how can we put a system in place to change this reaction?

Kitten: …

The Next Steps

Calm Me:  So we’re hurt, betrayed, distrusting, confused and feeling useless/worthless and scared. How could we, for example, tackle confusion?

Kitten: … Ask them why they did it?

Calm Me: And if they were confused?

Kitten: Be more specific?

Calm Me: Maybe change the wording – “hey, can we do this at X time BECAUSE I need to do y by Z time”?

Kitten: Or check before leaving the house that they ARE at the space before I go there to meet them?

Calm Me:  That’s it.. And for the other situation?

Kitten: Put a note saying ‘great, but please let me know if you’ll be late as I need to use my time effectively?’

 This sounds like a lot of work.

Calm Me: It does. How can we make this less work?

Kitten: Just have shitty expectations?

Calm Me: … … …

Kitten: -sigh- I don’t know. I still vote for never trusting people again. It’s so much easier.

Calm Me:  Do you really want to cling to all that negativity and have it brought up every time you ask someone to do something with you?

Kitten: We could stop asking people. Just ignore them all.

Calm Me: We’re not making progress here… -looks around for a new system tool; hoping to find a negotiator–

Enter the Negotiator

Calm Me: Wow, you look a lot like a kit-kat doing Shivanata. Oooh.. I see. Shivanata. Unravelling the patterns of hurt and stuckness.

Negotiator: -nods-  I see a lot of statements up there ^. Are they true? What is true?

Calm Me: Kitten? When we were reading last night, what did we see?

Kitten:      “We often hear people say: This world is ruthless and if you want to survive you must become ruthless too. I humbly disagree with this contention.  This world is what we have made of it. If it is ruthless today it is because we have made it ruthless by our attitudes” – Arun Gandhi, NVC, 2003.

Negotiator: So… what is true? What’s also true?

Kitten: These are old feelings.

Calm Me: And where are they from?

Kitten: The past. It’s different now?

Negotiator: How?

Kitten: I’m in a safe place. I have a lock on my door.  Now is not Then.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: I’m not defined by that feeling of worthlessness anymore. It’s no longer insinuated that I am in fact a disappointing excuse for a human.

Negotiator: Indeed. You’re surrounded by compassionate people who love you, and you know that you bring a huge amount of worth to their lives. Everyone automatically has a minimum worth, in my book. 

Kitten: …

Negotiator: You always had worth. Deal with it. Now what else is true?

Calm Me: I live with nice people? Safe people.

Kitten: …who won’t hit us or call us names or tell us how stupid [or worthless] we are.

Negotiator: That’s true. What else is true?

Kitten: We’re able to think for ourselves. Freedom of speech. Except not.

Calm Me: Still limited, but not completely shot down for having alternate views..

We have the tools! We find the tools.

Negotiator: What else is true?

Kitten: We have the tools to deal with this.

Negotiator: That’s a good truth.

Calm Me: I like that one.

Negotiator: Me too. So which tools?

Kitten: I don’t want to say; else it may take away the power.

Negotiator: Okay, let’s use code names.

Calm Me: SILENT RETREAT!  -runs away-

Kitten: -giggles-

Negotiator: -smiles- haha, yeah. And?

Kitten: Books. Worlds of imagination to dive into and those special manuals.

Calm Me: and mindfulness- meditation or reiki.

Negotiator: and…

Excited Me: and Shivanata!

Negotiator: Huzzah!

Kitten: W00t w00t, dat is da sound of da pol-ice!!! W00p!

-all giggle-

Negotiator: Great. So how can we set these up to best support us?

Kitten: Metaphor Mouse? And.. plans. Treasure Maps and Finding Clews! -runs off to grab colouring pens-

– – – * * * – – –

So, Calm-now-Excited-Me and Kitten are off to make a new system:

The Lighthouse system of Emblazing Penguin. Or something.

Reflection Point-

What systems could you use? What’s true? What statements of untruth dictate your life? Do you keep your word?

In Light,
Rose.

(*) Here, excuse is used as it originially meant “a reason to be excused” – it is NOT derogatory or negative, but neutral until placed in context. Here, it’s positive – it’s a valid reason thus a positive excuse.

Lessons from Nature: the Healing Strength of Trees

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blazing-crusade, breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights, metaphor, nature, WorkingOnStuff

This blog entry covers negative personal issues; so this is a little trigger warning. Due to its nature, though I love comments, I ask that you please be respectful. Thank you.

I believe that all humans experience negativity. I think we all have some experience within our lives that pushes us to our boundaries and makes us feel helpless. Like many people, I’ve experienced something that became a trauma. It was an experience when I was 15 and it happened in a little wooded clearing on the outskirts of the town centre. It’s a trauma I’ve been actively healing for about four years now.

Context

Being back at my parent’s house for the holidays brings back bad memories; though I feel safe in my room; able to open the window and put on some pretty music.

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking to town on autopilot. I’ve walked this way hundreds of times in the past 5 years and I was singing along to my music player rather than watching my step. Somehow, I veered off the path, crossed a duel carriageway [and a pedestrian crossing point] and found myself standing amidst that clearing. I don’t remember how I got there; I don’t remember looking both ways and crossing that road; nor stepping off the path onto the soils of the bank.

When I was 16 and explaining why I have certain issues to my other half; I took him there. It still felt oppressive and I could feel the energy pushing at my skin. It was really unpleasant.

This time, 4 years later, the nearby building has been taken over by a hotel and the little clearings trees have been cut back; letting in slightly more sunlight. The trees have grown so tall and the air is light and fresh. It reminded me of re-birth.

A place remembers; but it also heals.

Healing

Those trees couldn’t sit and visualise the memory fading the black and white or consciously choose to use mantras when they remember.  As me (perhaps related to my Virgo, psychologist and control-freak sides), I analyse everything. Over and over again I relive how I feel I *should* have handled the situation; how I would deal with any experience like that if it were to happen again and what I’d do if I saw that person again.

And this week, I realised that I re-live these imaginings because I need to feel that I’m strong enough to face them.

A New Strength

I spoke about my beliefs of strength last post. Again, due to early lessons, it became an obsession of mine; which is why I avoided picking the word in previous years.

Those trees though, they don’t fret about the past; they focus all that power on growing taller, stronger than before. They breathe in that poisonous carbon dioxide and cleanse the air with each exhalation of oxygen. They purify and cleanse that space, bringing the sacred into the present and future; because the present is what matters. To dwell on that constricted breath, is to keep the young shoots around them within that space.

Given the choice of dwelling and keeping that clearing dark and uncomfortable; or clearing out the pain, rejuvenating the soil and letting the sun shine it’s light upon their leaves so that they may grow and be strong; they choose strength.

This year, I decided that I too, would choose strength.
And perhaps that begins with cleansing the air around me, breathing in positive thoughts and letting that old memory lay to rest.

It’ll remind me of its presence sometimes. And I can breathe in the clean air of my thoughts and send it fierce compassion.

I can grow in my strength like a tree, in my defiance as a wolf.
I can heal in the face of remembrance.

In light,
Rose

Progression, Remembrance & Love

Tags

catharsis, processing, stormy seas, WorkingOnStuff

There’s nothing special about today.

Except the freedom from a cloud of depression that’s haunted me; the rain cold and empty on my skin.

Except for the shivanata I practised about 5 times throughout the day.

Except for noticing I judge a guy in my class; and asking that judgement to be quiet. And discovering his point to be valid.

Except for meeting a pagan and some spiritual society members; and seeing Eat, Pray, Love in the cinema.

Just an ordinary day.

Of beauty, potential and connection.

Of progress in processing.

 

The Memories

I read the book (Eat,Pray,Love) earlier this year.

And let’s just say that in my past I had my own David; without the physical side of the relationship. (For those who don’t know, he’s kind of her obsessive rebound from her divorce. they fight all the time but are so passionately head-over-heels that neither can give the other up) . I poured myself into the man in question, and though we fought so often and to such a heated level of passion; we couldn’t let go. And thus made plans. Or I did.

He seemed to change his mind constantly.

“What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly… but we can’t live without each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together – in misery, but happy not to be apart.”

In the end, he left. He emailed on Valentine’s Day to say that I had to either be his girlfriend/fiancé again; or he couldn’t face speaking to me. I knew then that I’d never be with him again.

 

Noticing Patterns

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

The words certainly sparked in me the obsessive love I used to be a part of. I now recognise that it was a great love because I fell in love with the image of his good side.

“In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.”

When I read Eat, Pray, Love; I found a crying wreck of my old self – that heartbroken girl; too afraid to trust. I found wounds that hadn’t healed from his abandonment, the broken promises and a small voice of anger that I let him get away with it.

“I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said — that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.”

 

Remembrance

Tonight, I saw the movie. It’s become cliché, they missed out some amazing spiritual moments [the petition to god, the Italian lessons, the “I have been there” phrase, surrender, the swearing football match, the cream puffs, the boy she sang the gurit- meditation thing too, the list the Texan Richard gives her (and the conversation that follows), the struggle to get the single mother a house] and people found the main character hard to sympathise with (possibly because they’ve ripped about 80% of the emotion from it).

However, I found the “getting through the betrayal and the obsession” parts to be real enough to spark my own cognition. (And they didn’t miss out too much in the India section).

“How could two people who were so in love not end up happily ever after? It had to work. Didn’t it?”

It’s been a couple of years and I’m happy in my current relationship. Yet, I’d never fully closed that door. I miss his friendship; his company. I couldn’t see how a relationship so emotion-filled could really dissipate to dust and memories. Yet he’s spent two years ignoring me. I never saw what I’d gain by actively letting his memory go.

Now I’m in questioning,

I’m not claiming to be able to “see clearly now” because I’m blinded; seeing how she was happy but in the end; so much happier. Making excuses that it’ll be different for me; that my situation was different. Every moment we shift; I’m not the person I was last night; when I began writing this. My every experience is a shift in ‘me’. This is progress.

It’s a process;
we’ll see where I end up.

 

In Light,
Rose

P.S. All quotes in green are written by Elizabeth Gilbert in the book, Eat, Pray, Love.

VPA #2 – A New Tradition

Tags

catharsis, stormy seas, vpa

Some of you may remember that a few weeks back I posted a VPA (Very Personal Ad). For those who don’t know, this is an exercise I do over at Havi’s blog, The Fluent Self. As a bid to learn about asking for help, and because I’ve had success in my previous couple of asks; I’m writng these weekly. Because I love how she puts it, I’m going to copy the blurb from her own VPA with her explanation of the practise:

“Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.

So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!”

 Although I’m a somewhat private person, for me, this blog is about finding sovereignty and being authentic, so I’ve decided I may make this a ritual of mine too.

This week, I’m going into more detail on the Ad I posted in Havi’s comments.

 The Background:
I saw my other half this weekend, and that was wonderful. We’ve gone from seeing each other five days a week to one weekend every 4-5 weeks.
There’s a new shift upcoming, and it’s going to happen during some pretty important exams.

He’s taking what are in effect, finals – though he’s only half way through his degree. I’m taking exams which will amount to half my degree. Those run from now to July 13^th. And then he’s off to Cambodia for a month placement.

It’s quite likely I won’t see him now until 17^th August. And that fact really doesn’t sit comfortably with me.

           Exams are hard.

                      Exams + Separation = Harder

                                  Exams + Separation – Recovery = …

He’s flying alone (his first ever flight on an aeroplane & he gets travel-sick), then has 4 weeks in a foreign country (with disease and dangerous animals and etc etc) and then a flight back, also alone.

This Ad is very personal to me, and it’s for strength.

I need to access my patience, my trust, faith and support. I need to be there for him and I need to give him space to revise and plan.

Here’s what I want:
-I want to be able to spend the next three months without too much worry. I don’t want any monsters to show me the worst case scenario when it comes to his health and safety as we take University exams and then he flies half way across the world on placement for a month.
-I want to be able to sleep. I want to be able to get out of bed each morning not worried. I want to feel safe and supported and I want my abandonment monsters to be reassured (because I may not be strong enough to reassure them myself).
-I want to be able to cope with the 3.5 months away from him; without all that past-stuff taking over my life.

Ways this could work:
-Breathing. Crying. Dancing. Singing. Fruit & vegetables. Talking. Lots and lots of communication with trusted people. TRUSTING. Loving. Waiting. More breathing. Faith.

-People may send me random comments and notes with uplifting/supportive content.

-I can look at photographs of us and remember the wonderful times – I can look back at the obstacles we’ve overcome before and remember that this is just one more obstacle.

-I can remember that we already spend weeks apart, 14 is going to be difficult, but it isn’t impossible. I know people who’ve had to go 6-12 months without seeing their other half. People do survive it and I’m lucky to even have him in my life in the first place.

-I’ll remember that there is still the possibility I’ll get to see him the week before his flight. There’s still hope. In fact this VPA could work by making sure we have a day together before his flight in July.

My commitment.
-To try my best at accepting help when offered.
-To ASK for help when I need it (like posting this blog today, because today is Hard)
-To trust him– he’s sensible and healthy. He can take care of himself.
-To be honest with myself about how I am feeling.
-To revise for my exams despite wanting to curl up in a ball and cry (even more).
-I won’t talk negatively to myself when I do cry.
-To listen and to breathe as best I can.

I need to be strong enough to get on with it. I need to revise and finish this coursework. I need to pass my exams. I need to fuel my body with healthy foods and get enough sleep. I need to take care of myself.

This morning I had to fight to get out of bed; something I’ve not felt in a couple of years. This is my ad for strength, support, encouragement and courage.

This is Rose, asking for help.

Fears

Tags

catharsis, stormy seas

Laptop is still dead, so I’ve come onto campus early to say hi 🙂

“hi”

Warning: this is just going to be an incoherant mindrantthing.
As someone afraid of the dark and anxious in silence, the next few nights are going to be hard. I usually leave my laptop playing music very softly as I sleep – providing light from the screen and nice classical music. Last ngiht I used my mp3 player, but charging it takes hours, and I need it for using public transport, which also makes me nervous. So the next few nights, it appears i’ll be facing some of those fears and trying to get a good nights sleep; despite housemates coming home loudly at 4am. 

I’m trying to think of it as a media retreat, with time and space to face these fears, but that doesn’t always feel comfortable (though I guess that’s the point).

If anyone else is having sleeping issues, I recommend this post by Havi 🙂

To those of you who attend Anderida Gorsedd; i’ll be there Sunday for Beltain. For the rest of you, I hope to be back on your screens in a week or so.

Take Care,
~Rose

Rumination

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, Insights

On p274 of The Happiness Project, Gretchen speaks of rumination and of how women seem to ruminate more than men. She then brings up the “area of refuge”, which is generally a positive experience (memory or trigger) that you can focus on to bring back positive feelings. And boy, does that sound like an AMAZING idea or what?

Healing

I think this is a key lesson for me at this point in my life. When my mindfulness slips; I visualise those conversations with people I feel negatively toward and obviously, focusing on negativity; for me, isn’t healing. At the beginning of this blog, the first entry I wrote (though I didn’t post it), was titled “healing” and I spoke of how I wasn’t sure what was best: remembering the negativity I’ve survived vs the focus-on-positives-only approach. I wrote that “as an individual human being, I’m not sure how to go about healing. Some days, like today: I meet up with friends, try something new and let my hair down to be Rose. Others, I feel that moping and moodling are the day’s prompt: that reflection and analysing the past may be beneficial.

Some believe its good to talk about it, let it out or relive it until it’s less painful. Others talk about the power of focus and bringing about what we think about, intention and being in the present moment.”

Focus

Earlier in the book, Gretchen also mentions that not expressing anger leads to dissipation while focusing on it makes it more common. This reminded me of something Havi said about dealing with shoes: (Shoes refer to people saying mean things about you)

“Not interacting with people throwing shoes at me means not having to build all that processing-and-recovery timeinto my schedule. Because even if you delete a shoe, it still hurts.”

I’ve discovered that, for me, not analysing and going with the flow, trusting life to take me where I’m needed – makes me happier. As I know about the law of attraction, the power of language and that our perceptions create our reality (all the stuff I’ve learnt and I feel I could teach), I went with it and made my own Areas of Refuge– things I can think of and focus on without any negativity in them.

1. Pigs   – my partner wants some in our garden once we live together.
2. Djali (the goat) from the Disney movie “Hunchback of Notre Dame”
3. Eating Pizza with Aiyana
4. Making daisy chains with my partner and a friend in Summer 2007
5. Winning [completing] National Novel Writing Month 2009 with Variations of Light: Time Heals  at 50,123 words in just 29 days
6. Getting into Sussex University
7. For doing my Reiki level 1
8. Co-running SS and CMB societies at University
9. The Hawk Conservancy
10. Being at the library with my partner in 2007 [holding hands under the book stands]
11. The ‘rehab’ section of the 2003 modern take on Pride and Prejudice film
12. Having my birthday on Lundy Island
13. Pied Wagtails [who came for breakfast on Lundy- I could have touched them, they were so close]
14. The Sight/Fell by David-Clement Davies
15. The Moon Riders/Voyage of the Snake Lady by Theresa Tomlinson
16. Apple Jjuice
17. The butterfly pendant my partner gave me after our first month together [I’m very picky with jewellery and he’s always got me PERFECT items ^_^]   ~ Make that any jewellery he’s give me in our three years – the butterfly pendant, a ring, a bracelet and a locket with a lock of his hair in it.
18. The night in Wales where my partner and I sat talking for hour about everything from dentists to wedding rings to dining room table styles.
19. Yawning Matches
20. LOTR
21. Queen of the Damned

Could you shift your mental focus to increase your happiness?Do you have any areas of refuge?

~Rose.

Cottage Retreat – Recognition ii

Tags

breaking habits&labels, catharsis, LiteratureLessons

ITALY – Recognition of Friendship – Part ii.

(Part i found here) Did I mention that I want to experience?

I have this friend at University, Aiyana, who has skydived, sailed and snorkelled in Australia with her family. She’s visited Hong Kong, America, Rome, France, Egypt, Tenerife, Jersey and Amsterdam.

She talks about travelling after University – about perhaps going to visit Buddhist temples in Thailand and experiencing all these cultures. I can see her joy at experiencing new things; learning about the culture and daring to give things a go. I can see her in a tent with [or without, for that matter] me at that Buddhist retreat next Summer. And I want to go.

I may have never understood students wanting to go to America for a year out; but perhaps I do understand her desire to experience culture and new activities. We’ve also had talks about how there’s so much culture and history in the UK itself; so visiting sites like the waterfalls in Wales [which I’ve been to] or Stonehenge; the Scottish lochs or the lake district are also great opportunities.

And on page 62 I read of Elizabeth’s friendship with Luca and I see Aiyana and myself.

The Buddhist teacher who leads our weekly meditation actually said to her last week that he’s enjoyed watching our friendship blossom. We’ve been getting close for nearly a year now and it’s been so perfect for both of us. She gives me the support and patience, the kindness and understanding while I make her laugh and do what I can to… in fact, I don’t really know what positivity I bring to her. I make her laugh and we dance around like children at a beach party when she’s feeling tired.

She’s helping me to learn patience and peace while I guess I’m a reminder that individuality and being passionate about things that really matter are important? And this book is reminding me of why we see each other daily/meditate/walk together, will be living together next year and then may go to that camp together. We fit into each other’s growth for now. She’s been helping me to heal.

ITALY – Recognition of Support – Part iii.

And on that note, who would sign my petition to heal in the comments or in their heart? Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s petition to be free from her ex-husband, I wrote one for myself.

Dear Pagan Gods,

Please help me to heal from this hurt. The negativity it now harbours (these patterns) are harming those close to me as I re-live the old, useless patterns of anger and sorrow.

There are many more in need than me, but I am also a child of your light and I feel that I am ready for this change. I have tried to heal via my own processes and now pledge to do all I can still, in that vein. However, I need your aid. I would not ask for help before because I did not feel worthy. But now I feel strong enough to do this with you; that I owe everyone who supported me something amazing and I know that once I’m further in my path of healing, I will be able to bring that to those I care for. I know that I have the ability to heal now; I’m ready for this change. I just need your guidance.

It is my humble request, that you help me to end this conflict with myself; to aid me as I seek patience and to provide guidance when I cannot see or hear my instincts well enough. I know that once I am on the right path (for me), I’ll be able to help people and will bring more light to them than if I do not heal.

I thank you for your attention, patience, support and kindness.
In trust, Rose.

As an idea of why I’m doing this, I’ll share an except of Eat, Love, Pray where Elizabeth’s friend, who is driving, talks her through the signatures:

I handed the petition over to her with a pen, but she was too busy driving, so she said, “No, let’s say that I did just sign it. I signed it in my heart.”

“Thank you, Iva. I appreciate your support.”

“Now who else would sign it?” she asked.

“My family.  My mother and father.  My sister.”

“OK,” she said. “They just did. Consider their names added. I actually felt them sign it. They’re on the list now. OK – who else would sign it? Start naming names.”

So I started naming names of all of the people who I thought would sign this petition. I named all my close friends, then some family members and some people I worked with. After each name, Iva would say with assurance, “Yep. He just signed it,” or “She just signed it.” Sometimes she would pop in with her own signatories, like: “My parents just signed it. They raised their children during the war. They hate useless conflict. They’d be happy to see your divorce end.”

I closed my eyes and waited for more names to come to me…

…The names spilled from me. They didn’t stop spilling for almost an hour, as we drove across Kansas and my petition for peace stretched into page after invisible page of supporters. Iva kept confirming – yes, he signed it – yes, she signed it – and I became filled with a grand sense of protection, surrounded by the collective goodwill of so many mighty souls.

The list finally wound down, and my anxiety wound down with it. I was sleepy. Iva said, “Take a nap. I’ll drive.” I closed my eyes. One last name appeared. “Michael J Fox just signed it,” I murmured, then drifted into sleep.”

Her petition was answered and I felt joy as I read about that success.

If you could sign my petition ( even if it’s now August 2nd 2013), to help a girl heal from a difficult past, please send a little note my way [even just in your head; sign my petition], or you can write your support in the comments.  I’ll do all I can to make sure that your signature will aid others as a bi-product of my healing.

And to all those who’ve written a petition like this; I’ve just signed it with my heart.

Many thanks,
Rose.

Letters Home: I

Tags

catharsis, cottage

 

Dear Those-Who-Wonder-What-On-Earth-I’m-Doing-Here,

 

I’m settling in well and really enjoying the solitude here. The cottage is gorgeous; the walls are painted in light shades of lilac, blue and green and the décor fits in nicely with them. I was so ecstatic when I saw the window seat that I put down my suitcase and ran to sit on it!

When I arrived, there were freshly cut flowers in the vase and a banana cake on the kitchen table. It smelt as though  someone baked it only that morning.

 

My bedroom (like the entire cottage, come to think of it) is simplistic and functional; thus ideal for me. I invited my neighbour, Elizabeth round the other day and we shared a lovely cup of tea, so I’m far from lonely. It’s wonderful to have support so early on in this journey.

 

The view of the ocean is breath-taking and in the morning I can hear birdsong from my bedroom. Thank you for inspiring me to follow my instincts and allow this baby idea to blossom: For taking the chance and actually investing in my own health and happiness, despite your confusion in my reasoning.

 

Today I’m going into town to grab some art supplies and stock up on fresh fruit and veg before tackling some baking. I’ve never felt comfortable enough to experiment; but there’s no one here to judge me. Even my Kitten is settling in and taking long, peaceful naps.

 

I spent last night in catharsis, mourning everything from experiences which still haunt me to the death of my first hamster. I woke with stinging eyes but a lighter heart. Don’t be sad for me, the entire point of this voyage is to have a safe space where I can heal.

 

Overall, I’m having an amazing time and shall send a postcard with my next letter to share some of the sights with you.

I hope all is well back home and take care,

Rose.